Shattered
by naughtynyx
Summary: After Buffy's funeral, Willow and Angel turn to each other in their grief. One night changes things forever.
1. down we go together

Willow spotted him standing up against a tree across from the spot where Buffy's grave was placed. He was alone in the shadows. _Typical Angel_, she thought. She couldn't see his face from this distance of course, but she knew it was Angel. She knew he would show up for the funeral. Buffy's funeral.

She tried to swallow down the seemingly permanent lump in her throat. It was still so hard to believe Buffy was gone. She arranged to have a night time funeral so Angel could be there, and Spike, too.

She glanced at the blond vampire. He was holding a sobbing Dawn close to his chest. His face was like stone. His jaw set in a tense line, blue eyes shining with tears he wouldn't allow to fall. Willow's heart went out to him. She was sorry for the way everyone had teased him about his feelings for Buffy. _He really did love her._

Everyone was gathered around the headstone.

Buffy Anne Summers  
>1981-2001<p>

Beloved sister  
>Devoted friend<p>

She saved the world  
>A lot<p>

The last bit was Xander's contribution. A very fitting epitaph, for it was true. She had saved the world. A lot. Saved the lives of every person on the planet.

And not one of them would ever know.

The slayer was not laid to rest in one of the many cemeteries she had spent so much of her time fighting evil in. That had seemed wrong somehow.

And after Spike had voiced the ugly truth about what a vampire or demon might do if he got hold of a slayer's body... well, they had to find a safe place for her.

So they did. They found a good size clearing out in the middle of the woods. It was hidden enough that it wasn't likely anyone would stumble upon it, but still easy enough to find if you knew where it was.

Willow was relieved Angel was able to follow the directions she had given Cordelia to pass along. She knew he would want to be here to say good bye to the woman he had loved so much.

With that, her thoughts turned back to the vampire. She felt the sudden urge to go to him. He shouldn't be alone, no matter how much he wanted to be. She made the decision to cross the cemetery to him, but when she turned back to the tree where he had been standing, he was gone.

_Good riddance_, Spike thought as he sensed his grandsire's presence disappear. He had been standing tensely ever since he felt the great poof arrive. He was glad he at least had the decency to keep his distance.

Well, glad wasn't really the right word, was it? There was no more glad. Not now that Buffy...

He felt the weight of his tears pressing heavily, looking for release.

_No_, he thought, clutching the girl in his arms more tightly. _Can't break down now. Gotta stay strong for the bit. That's my only purpose now. To be here for Her sister. It was what She trusted me to do. I'll be even more damned than I already am if I let Her down_. It was too painful for Spike to even think her name. He hadn't said it out loud since...

He sniffed away the tears and clenched his jaw together so hard it was a wonder his teeth didn't shatter. _No thinking about that now. Gotta be strong for the bit._

He had been loathe to let the young girl out of his sight for even a moment and he vowed, _Never again_.

It had to have been the quietest funeral in history. No one could think of what to say.

There were no words. There were too many.

After about an hour of standing silently around the grave, they all seemed to tacitly decide it was over and made their way back to the cars. Xander, Anya and Giles in one and Willow, Tara, Dawn and Spike in the other, they proceeded back to the Summers home. Or house rather. It didn't feel like a home anymore. It hadn't really since even before Buffy... It's been nothing but a place with a roof and walls since Joyce died.

When they arrived, they all spent another two hours in silence together. Until finally, Giles, Xander and Anya felt it was time for them to leave.

Spike made it clear he wasn't going anywhere. Not for now, anyway. No one argued. Seeing the way Dawn clung to him, no one could.

After everyone else had fallen asleep, Willow crept out of the house. She couldn't explain it, but she felt the need to see Angel. And for some reason she was sure he hadn't left town yet.

She cast a glance at Dawn slumbering in Spike's arms. She knew she'd be okay without her here for now. She was well taken care of at the moment.

Willow's instincts brought her to the mansion on Crawford street that had been Angel's home during his last year in Sunnydale.

Really, where else was he going to go?

He wasn't like Spike; hanging out in crypts wasn't his thing. And she couldn't see him checking into Sunnydale's one and only (flea bag) motel.

Really, this was the only option.

"Angel?" she called out timidly. She bit her lip when she got no response. "Angel?" she tried again. Nothing. She figured she must have been wrong. He wasn't here after all. She was about to turn to leave when a voice stopped her.

"How did you know I was here?" Angel's voice was guttural, stripped raw with emotion.

Willow turned back to see him standing by the fireplace. "Lucky guess," she replied.

"Yeah, right." He snorted, taking a swig from the glass of scotch in his hand. Willow couldn't remember ever seeing him drink before. "So, what do you want?" he demanded.

Willow was stricken by how harsh he sounded. "I-I wanted to see if you were okay."

Angel laughed bitterly. "Okay?" he mocked. "Yeah sure, I'm okay. I'm great in fact. The love of my life was just put in the ground, but other than that everything's just fine. Thanks for asking."

Fresh tears pooled in Willow's eyes, brought on by Angel's cruel demeanor. He had no cause to be treating her this way. Her fist clenched at her side as her anger grew.

"Hey!" she shouted. "I know you're in pain right now, believe me, I understand that. Buffy was my best friend, remember? And that's why I'm here. Because she was my best friend and I know how much you meant to her. I know she wouldn't want you to have to go through this alone. All I was trying to do was honor what I knew she– ". Her voice broke then, unable to contain her emotions any longer.

Angel felt a pang at the sight of Willow's grief. He shouldn't have taken out his own on her. He felt guilty.

He plunked his glass down on the mantelpiece and crossed the room. He enveloped the small girl into his arms. "Shhh," he soothed, kissing the top of her head. "I'm so sorry, Willow," he murmured. "I shouldn't have talked to you that way. I didn't mean to-". He sighed, his explanation dying. He decided there was only one thing he could say that was important, "I'm sorry."

He felt Willow's arms go around his waist. He took the action as an acceptance of his apology and hugged her even closer to him. He squeezed his eyes shut, allowing his own tears fall.

After a couple of minutes of sobbing uncontrollably into Angel's chest, Willow pulled her head back slightly, feeling somewhat more stable now. "Oh God!" she cried. "Your shirt. I ruined it. I got it all snotty and gross. God, Angel, I'm so sorry."

Angel felt the slightest twinge of a smile, the first he had felt in awhile. "It's okay, Willow," he assured. "It's just a shirt. It doesn't matter."

"I'll buy you a new one. I promise."

"Willow," he said in a firm, yet gentle voice. "Look at me."

Willow's head rose to look up at Angel.

"I don't care about the shirt." He looked down at her big green eyes, red rimmed and overflowing. He swept back a strand of hair stuck to her face by her tears.

And then it happened. It was unclear who initiated it, but suddenly their lips were pressed together and they were kissing. The kiss wasn't a light, friendly, chaste kiss. But a messy, wet, kiss full of need. It was not a kiss not borne out of affection or tenderness, but an urge to feel something other than grief. They clung to each other like life-preservers.

Angel devoured Willow's mouth, enjoying the sweet taste of her lips mixed with the saltiness of her tears. He wanted to taste more of her, needed to. His lips roamed down to her neck. His hands explored her body.

Willow moaned as Angel's hand brushed over her breast. He began to work the buttons of her shirt. She fumbled with his in return. Then he was easing her to the ground. She almost gasped feeling the cold cement beneath her. He took his mouth from hers long enough to whip his shirt off, then descended on it once again. 

He pushed up her skirt. She undid his fly, pushing his pants down. He slid off her panties. And then he was inside her. 

Willow cried out.

Angel thrust deeper.

Neither of them were worried about Angel's soul being at risk. They knew better than that. Buffy was dead. Angel would never be happy again. Never mind true happiness.

But right now he could take solace between Willow's thighs. She was happy to let him do so. She wanted to give what she could. And if letting him bury his grief within her would take his pain away for even a few minutes, it was worth it. That was what was going through her mind during the act. All she focused on was the pain he was giving her, mixed with the pleasure. She welcomed it, all of it.

And then it was over.

Angel's body slumped against hers. They lay there for a couple of minutes while their heads cleared. And then the full impact of what just happened hit them. It seemed to hit Willow harder than Angel at first. He slid himself off her and she staggered to her feet.

"Oh God!" she gasped, horrified. Her hand went to her mouth. She was shaking her head. "What have I done?"

"Willow," Angel attempted to cajole. He took a step forward, but she quickly backed away.

"No!" she cried. "Oh God, no." Clutching her shirt closed, she turned and ran out of the mansion.

"Willow! Wait!" Angel's first instinct was to go after her, but he stopped himself. If she had wanted to be anywhere near him right now she wouldn't have run.

Frustrated, Angel stomped across the room. He lifted the bottle of scotch from the mantelpiece, preparing to down the last remaining dregs of it. He lifted it to his lips, but instead of drinking he let out a howl and hurled it against the wall shattering it.

God! What had he done? What had just happened? He just had sex with the love of his life's best friend right after her funeral. How could he do that? Why had he done it?

Of course there were two people involved and Willow seemed to be a willing participant. But what if he'd been wrong? After all he is a vampire. His physical strength outweighs hers by a great deal. What if she had just been too intimidated to say no? Either way, whether she was willing or not, Angel saw himself as the more responsible party.

He rubbed his hands roughly over his face. _God, why couldn't I control myself_? And again he asked himself the question. _What have I done_?

_Oh God, what have I done_? Willow wallowed as she ascended the stairs out front of the Summers house.

The place was quiet when she entered. Spike was still there, curled up on the couch with a sleeping Dawn wrapped protectively in his arms. She trod carefully up the stairs. She went into the bathroom and shut the door, locking it. She leaned against it for a moment, eyes squeezed tightly shut.

Taking a shaky breath, she pushed herself into motion, turning on the shower. A fog of steam filled the room almost immediately. Willow stripped off her clothes and stepped into the stinging hot stream.

The heat didn't bother her. She could still feel Angel's touch on her skin and she prayed that the boiling liquid would burn it away. She stood under the spray, scrubbing herself until the water turned icy. She wrapped herself in her pink cotton robe. She couldn't bare the idea of curling up in bed with Tara after what she'd just done.

_Oh God, Tara, baby_. A fresh lump rose in her throat thinking about the lover she betrayed. She slid to the floor, curling up in the fetal position. And that's where she stayed until morning.

Thank God (Ha! Now that's funny) for Angel's vampire constitution. Otherwise he would have mowed down almost all his fellow nocturnal motorist from Sunnydale to L.A., not to mention every street sign and mailbox, given the amount of alcohol he had consumed while trying to drown his sorrow.

Drunkenness was not the only reason it was dangerous for him to be making the trip back to the city of angels. It was also perilously close to sunrise. He hadn't intended on returning home until the next night for this reason, but after what had taken place in the mansion he couldn't bare to be there for one more second.

He cut it close, just making it into the doors of the Hyperion mere minutes before the sun rose. Had there been any of the usual traffic that strangled the streets of L.A. he would most certainly be a pile of dust behind the wheel. _And so what if I had been? Like my existence means anything anymore_.

He considered trudging up the stairs to his room, but thought against it. It was not like he was going to be able to sleep at all.

He went to his office instead. He plopped down at his desk, pulling open the bottom drawer and extracting the bottle of whiskey he hid there. He unscrewed the cap and proceeded to polished it off, hoping it would wash away the memory of Willow's body lying beneath him and the feel of her hot, smooth flesh under his hands.

Tbc…


	2. cooped up angels

Dawn rapped on the door to the bathroom again. She in the hallway eyes screwed tightly shut, dancing from foot to foot. She had not wanted to get off the couch, leaving the comfort of Spike's arms. But her bladder had no respect for her grief and would not be ignored. "Open up in there, please!" She whined, hopping up and down and pounding the door again.

Willow was pulled up from sleep at the sound. She suffered a moment of confusion waking up on the bathroom floor. 'Wha...' The thought hadn't even had a chance to be finished before the reality came crashing down on her and she remembered what had happened just hours ago. She squeezed her eyes shut, folding an arm over her churning stomach. 'Oh god.'

The same noise that had brought her awake now shook her from her dismay. "Come on, already." she heard Dawn's pleading cry. 'Oh.' She quickly scrambled to her feet unlocked and opened the door. "Dawnie, I'm so sorry." She gushed.

At the sight of Willow's deathly pale face and hideously bloodshot eyes, Dawn stilled. 'She must have been in there crying.' The girl thought. Willow had been the only one who had seem to be remotely put together through all of this. She had been being strong for everyone else, forgoing her own grief. A pang of guilt hit the girl. She looked down and murmured, "That's okay."

A brief beat passed before Dawn's bladder could remain quiet no longer and she began to fidget again. Seeing this Willow quickly dashed out of the way. "Oh, sorry Dawnie, again."

The teen let out a squeal of relief and rushed into the bathroom, "Ah, thank you." she gushed before slamming the door.

The scene was so comical her lips felt the urge to twitch, but she could not oblige. Instead she bowed her head down and turned away.

"W-willow." Tara called, coming out of Joyce Summers' old bedroom, which is was now decided would be where Willow and Tara would sleep.

Willow's head came up. It was like an anvil hit her chest seeing her lover emerging from the bedroom a look of concern in her beautiful blue eyes. "Tara." she choked.

Tara came up to her and pulled her into her arms, patting her hair. "You didn't come to bed last night." It wasn't a question.

Willow pulled back. "No, I didn't want to chance waking you." She lied, tasting it's bitterness on her tongue.

"Oh, that was sweet of you, sweetie, but I wish you had." Tara gently replied with a smile. "So, where did you sleep."

She couldn't tell her the truth, that would have made Tara worry for her even more. "Um, Dawn fell asleep on the couch with Spike, so I took her bed." God, how easy it was! She used to not be able to tell a lie to save her life. What kind of person was she turning into?

The scent of food cooking drifted up the stairs bringing a wave of nausea along with it. Willow clutched her stomach again.

Tara's brow furrowed. "You okay, sweetie?"

Before Willow had to answer the bathroom door swung open and down tumbled out. "Oof, that's much better." She gushed, looking well relieved. "Oh, hey Tara." She said taking notice of the woman.

"Morning, Dawnie." She returned with a sympathetic smile.

For a moment Dawn worried she was going to ask how she was doing. She loved Tara, but god, how she was sick of that question. Her go to answer was always fine. But it wasn't fine and it never would be again, would it? Not giving her the chance to ask, Dawn blurted. "Is that bacon I smell." She didn't really have an appetite but any distraction was a good one.

The three trumped down the stairs and shuffled into the kitchen.

They were greeted by Spike standing behind the stove scrambling eggs. "Morning all."

The girls looked at him with numb surprise. Spike's cooking? For them?

"Morning." They all mumbled.

"This it'll be done in a mo'. Go ahead and have a seat." He used the spatula to point to the counter.

They looked at the counter to see three plates laid out, each with two strips of bacon laying on them. And three glasses filled with orange juice. They each sat in from of one and waited quietly.

"I didn't know you cooked." Dawn ventured into the stillness.

Spike gave her a mysterious smile and said. "I'm full of surprises."

This breakfast had been only intended for Dawn. She was the only one whose well being he cared about. But he figured even if Buffy hadn't asked him to take care of the others, she would probably frown upon him letting them starve. Besides, he had found a supply of blood in the fridge and figured Red was the only one with the forethought to have put it there for him. As for Glenda, well she'd always been decent enough to him he supposed. So on the whole it wouldn't kill him (again) to crack a few extra eggs for the good witches.

When the eggs looked down he carried the skillet over to the counter and piled them onto the waiting plates.

Everyone murmured their thanks, but no one dug in right away. They mostly just pushed the food around with their forks.

Spike put his hands on the counter and leaned over to Dawn. "Come on, you gotta eat something." he urged. "Just a few nibbles at least, eh Nibblet?"

Dawn gave him the smallest of smiles and nodded, putting a tiny morsel of food into her mouth. The moment it hit her tongue her belly rumbled, demanding to be filled.

Biology.

It has no respect

Spike leaned back relieved. He had got her to eat. Even more, he had gotten her to smile. And that small gesture from the girl after all she had been through was enough to carry him into the next century.

The others figured they should lead by example if they wanted Dawn to keep eating. Tara picked up a piece of bacon and took dainty bites from it. Willow shoveled food into her mouth as well, it tasted like ash in her mouth and she wanted to spit it out. But not wanting to insult Spike, she chugged her orange juice to help wash it down.

Spike watched them, mostly Dawn, shovel the needed, if not wanted, sustenance into their gobs. As he choked down his mug 'o blood. It was the good stuff even. Too bad he couldn't enjoy it.

Seeing the look on Spike's face as he sipped from the mug, Willow fretted. "Is the blood, okay? Willie told me it was the best next to human, otter. Do you not like it?"

"It's great Red, really." he assured, punctuating the statement by taking a long pull. He smiled. "See? I love it."

Willow hoped so. It was remarkably expensive and she really couldn't afford as much as she bought. But the memory of seeing Spike thrown off that tower after being stabbed trying to protect Dawn, reminded her that he deserved the best she could offer. "Good."

Silence lapsed. The only sounds in the room were of forks scraping on dishes and the distinct crunch of someone tasting their toast.

Then the phone shrilled disturbing the stillness.

Everyone jumped, even Spike, and looked at the phone like it was a demon that just jumped out at them looking for a fight.

It kept ringing unanswered. For a horrifying second Willow thought it might be Angel phoning. Her throat closed up, not allowing the food in her mouth to go down, and what she had already consumed formed a hard ball in the pit of her stomach.

Tara was the first to move into action. She plucked up the phone carefully, like she was handling a bomb, and said a tentative, "Hello?"

There was a pause while the person on the other line spoke.

"N-no, it's not." Said Tara. "May I ask whose calling?" She waited for the answer. Her eyes going huge when it came. "Just a minute." She said and covered the mouthpiece with her hand.

She looked strait at Dawn her expression one close to panic. "Dawnie, it's your dad." ...

Contrary to what he thought, Angel had apparently found sleep at some point. He became aware of this fact as he was startled awake by the sound of a door banging open, then shut. He shot up on wobbly legs and lurched to the door. A crazy notion in his head that it might be Willow.

"Angel?" Cordelia said with genuine surprise. "You're back. I thought you were staying the day in Sunnydale."

"I changed my mind." He groused, then cast a longing glance at the empty bottle on his desk.

"Oh," remarked Cordelia. "Okay. So, how..." The question died on her lips not knowing how to finish it. How are you? How was it? What was appropriate here?

Nothing.

There was nothing to say.

For probably the first time in the history of her existence, Cordelia Chase was at a loss for words.

Angel had just witnessed the love of his life being put in the ground.

There was no comfort for such a thing.

Cordelia knew how sad she was about the death of the girl who had saved her life... how many times? To many to even count. She wondered if she should have gone to the funeral with him after all. She had thought about going. But knowing Angel, she knew he would want to handle this on his own. Secretly she had been glad to have an excuse to not go. True Buffy was her friend, if grudgingly so, and she wanted to pay her respects to her. But the thought of going back to Sunnydale... She hadn't managed to make a life for herself in L.A. and the idea of going backwards even for a day was not an appealing one.

Still she did feel guilty. There were moments she found herself wanting to break down into tears thinking about the falling hero. Buffy had changed her life. For the first few years she had hated the change, but now, if it hadn't happened she wouldn't be where she is now. And as crazy as it seemed to her, she was happy.

And for that, she knew, she owed Buffy a thank you.

Tears prickled in her eyes. She blinked them away.

She looked at Angel thinking it was a miracle the man was still standing after all this.

If only just, Cordelia noticed.

"Mornin' " Came a twang that was becoming more familiar everyday.

Cordelia turned to see Fred bounding down the stairs. The bright smile plastered on her face seemed completely inappropriate for the somber scene playing out in the lobby.

But after all she'd been through in Pylea, the girl deserved to smile whenever she wanted to.

Cordelia mustered up one of her own in return.."Hey Fred."

"Hey Cordy. Angel!" She gushed brightening even more. "I didn't think you were gonna be back so soon."

Angel didn't respond to her. Instead he crossed the room to the stairs and grumbled. "I'll be in my room."

Fred looked stricken by his reaction.

"Don't worry Fred," Cordelia offered. "It has nothing to do with you."

Fred gave a small smile and nodded. "Yeah, I know." She said quietly. "I just feel so darn bad for him. I wish there was somethin' I could do."

"Yeah," Cordelia sombrely agreed. "Me too."

The rest of the day Cordelia spent debating whether or not to check in on Angel. She always thought better of it, 'cause if there was the chance he was resting she didn't want to disturb.

But by the time evening rolled around she just couldn't take it anymore. She had to make sure he was all right.

She warmed up a cup of blood for him from his supply in the kitchen and took it upstairs.

"Angel?" She called softly, tapping on the door. "Can I come in? I brought you some blood. You really should drink something."

She waited for several beats, after getting no answer she wrapped a hand around the doorknob and twisted it.

Angel heard the doorknob turning. His head snapped toward the door, he leapt to his feet and rushed across the room.

Cordelia creaked the door open a slit. "Angel, I-"

"No!" She heard him growl as she was pushed back and the door slammed shut in her face.

The force caused the blood to sluice over the rim of the mug. It dripped down leaving a scarlet mark on her new Prada pumps. A flash of indignation flared in her and died. She couldn't be mad at Angel right now.

She bent down and placed the mug and what was left of the blood in it on floor. She waited a moment before turning and going back down stairs.

It would have been a disaster if Cordelia had entered his room.

How could he have explained this?

As soon as he had come up here he had sat down at his desk, pulled out stacks of yellow paper and started sketching.

Vampires have extraordinary memories.

Angel remembered every expression, every smile Willow ever made in his presence. He had spent the last hours reproducing them on paper.

The result was hundreds of pieces with Willow's image captured on them.

And they were plastered up on his walls, covering every inch.

**So, if you are interested in reading what happens next,**

**let me know.**

**And tell me what you think so far.**


	3. sick guilt

**Chapter(3/?)**

**Chapter title: Sick guilt**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Pairings: Willow/Angel, Willow/Tara**

**Rated: R**

**Please R&R**

* * *

><p>"What did you tell him?" Giles asked.<p>

They had immediately called everyone, Giles, Xander and Anya, as soon as Dawn had hung up with her father.

"That Buffy was grocery shopping." Tara interjected. "And that Willow and I were watching her."

"Do you think he believed the story?"

"Yeah, he bought it." Said Dawn. "I even whined about being old enough to not need a baby sitter, to really sell it."

Because that is exactly what she would have said if things were normal.

But they aren't normal. And never will be again.

So all she can do is fake it.

"He said he's going to call back next week," She added. "Though, that doesn't mean he will. But somebody else might. Somebody that wants to talk to Buffy. We can't just tell everyone that she's buying groceries forever."

"No." Giles agreed. "We can't."

"And we can't tell anyone the truth. If they knew Buffy's-" She paused not being able to say the D word. "If they find out," She substituted. "I'll have to leave and go to my dad's. And I don't want to leave. I want to stay here with all of you. You're more of a family to me than he has ever been."

Though technically, she supposed, Hank Summers' had never actually really met his youngest daughter.

All he had were the makeshift memories supplied by the monks who made her a real girl.

Maybe that's why he seemed so disinterested in her. Today was the first time he had called in a month and of course he had wanted to talk to Buffy. His real daughter.

Though really he hadn't treated Buffy much better.

So, she guessed, he must just be a real crap dad and that's all there is to it.

"No one here wants you to leave either, sweetie." Tara cajoled. "And we won't let that happen."

"Of course not." Agreed Giles

"Damn strait." Spike contributed. "Anybody tries to take you away, they'll have to get through me first."

Xander stifled his argument that Spike wouldn't be any good fighting against humans. Insulting Captain Peroxide would just upset Dawnie. And lord knows she didn't need any more grief.

"And there is also the matter of what would happen if Buffy's...absence got out to the demon world." Giles reminded. "Imagine what it would be like if the forces of darkness found out that the Hellmouth was no longer protected by the slayer."

"It'd be a demon Disneyland." Spike conjectured, it seemed to the watcher at least with a touch of wistfulness. .

"So, how can we make sure it doesn't get out?" Asked Tara. "I mean what else can we do. We already hid the grave. I'm not sure there is any way for sure to-"

"Buffybot!" Xander cried out, cutting her off.

All heads swung his way.

"Pardon?" enquired Giles voicing the question for everyone.

"The Buffybot." Xander reiterated. "You kept it right Will?"

Now everyone looked at Willow.

"You did?" Asked Dawn.

"Well, uh, sort of, yes." She sheepishly admitted. "For educational purposes. I wanted to look at Warren's program."

"That's great!" Xander declared. "All you have to do is get it up and running again. I mean we know she can fight we've seen her in action," He had to stifle a shudder remembering just how much action he had seen her in. "I mean, heck, she fooled me."

Spike snorted. "Like that's a difficult thing to do."

"Hey, I don't see you contributing any helpful ideas here so why don't you just shut up." He spat back. "In fact why don't you just keep shutting up as your default status."

"Could you do it?" Giles interjected.

Xander scoffed. "I doubt it, deadboy loves the sound of his own voice even if no one else does."

"I was referring to Willow." Giles elaborated, in an exasperated tone.

"Oh."

"Willow?" he prompted.

Willow squirmed a little under everyone's gaze. How odd, they were all looking to her of all people to be the one to fix something.

She had a small twinge of understanding of what it must have been like for Buffy. Always being the one everyone relied on to do things.

She had always wanted more responsibility. To be more a an asset to the scooby gang. But now that it appeared she had it, it only made her want to throw up.

She swallowed down the bile ascending her throat. "I-I think so."

"Well I think you should try." Giles urged, sounding tired and somewhat resigned.

"What!" Spike shouted surging to his feet. "You can't honestly think that turning that thing back on is a good idea."

"It was good enough when you had it made to-" Glancing Dawn in the corner of his eye, Xander replaced what he was going to say with something less vulgar. " be your playmate."

Dawn rolled her eyes. Right, like she didn't know what Spike had used the Buffybot for.

"You shut your bloody mouth!" Spike seethed fist clenching.

"Or what?" Xander challenged. "You'll glare me to death. Your not the big bad anymore chip-head. So you better watch the threats, 'cause now I'm more menacing than you."

Spike took a step toward the boy. "You open your gob again and I don't care if my head explodes because my teeth will be sunk into your neck at the time and take your's with it."

Xander rose to his feet to meet the vampire. "Is that so? Well let's just see about that shall we?"

"Stop it!" Dawn screamed.

Both men stopped their posturing and looked at the girl, along with everyone else.

"Just, stop it." She repeated. "I mean, haven't we had enough."

"Sorry Niblet." Spike offered

"Yeah, Dawnie, I'm sorry." said Xander in turn.

They both gave each other one last shameful look and backed down.

"Thank you." She murmured. After a brief quiet beat she switched to a more business like tone and asked "So what are we going to do about the Buffybot."

No one was pleased with the solution.

But it was the only solution.

Willow took deep breaths as she went down to wake up the Buffybot.

Her hand moved slowly reaching to pull off the blanket that covered it.

She gasped at the all the emotion that surged through at seeing the likeness of her fallen friend.

Grief, sadness, loss, regret, guilt.

All the colours of the emotional rainbow inundated at once.

She felt dizzy with the weight of it all and her stomach lurched. She turned away sure that now, the purging that was threatening all day was going to come.

She squeezed her eyes shut tight, tears spilling. She breathed steadily until she found her control.

Fist balled and strapping on her resolve face, she turned back to the bot.

God, why did Warren have to do such a good job?

She reached out brushing the hair that framed the Buffybot's face.

It even feels real...

A sudden need to confess to her friend took her.

She could. She could tell all to this sleeping facsimile of her best friend and unburden herself.

Apologize for the unspeakable thing she had done.

It was as close as she could ever get to doing so.

She knew it was stupid. This piece of metal, no matter how similar in appearance, was not Buffy. She knew that.

But still, she made her confession anyway.

"Oh, god, Buffy I'm so sorry." She wailed, quietly, not wanting anyone upstairs in the Summers' household to hear her. "I'm sorry I didn't do a better job, that I let you down when you were counting on me to be the 'big gun'. I guess you gave me a lot more credit than I deserved and because of that you paid with your life. And it's all my fault." The last part was no more than a whisper.

So she had purged herself after all. She let loose what she had been holding in since she saw her best friend lying lifeless on the pile of rubble. Lying there because, she, Willow, had failed.

But her confession was far from over. Now came the hard part. Because Willow knew even though her ineptness had killed Buffy, the slayer would not hold her responsible nor be angry with her for how it turned out. But as for her other betrayal...

"Buffy something happened," She began "I don't even know how or why, but it happened. It was like I wasn't in control. I don't think either of us were. We just got so carried away in wanting to feel anything but pain. I didn't even realise what we were doing until it was already done. Neither did Angel." She stopped short. That was the first time she had even thought, let alone said his name out loud.

The last time she had uttered it had been when he was inside her. His thick manhood filling her, thrusting deeper and deeper until they were both lost, spiraling down the well of ecstacy.

'NO!' Willow shouted in her mind squeezing shut tightly the door on the memory of that sensation. 'Cause, she would not, could not, face the truth of what she had felt during that horrible act.

She couldn't admit that she had enjoyed it.

So, she'd made her confession.

She didn't feel any better afterwards.

Angel had finally ventured out of his room the next evening. He had needed blood and more whiskey.

He couldn't get the image of Willow out of his head. The way her face had been a mottled expression of ecstasy and pain as she laid beneath him. As he writhed inside of her hot, slick depths. Her voice had whispered his name.

'Angel.' The sweetest sound he had ever heard. How he longed to hear it again.

'NO!' Angel banged his hand on his desk. 'That will never happen again. It can't. It never should have happened.'

That's what his brain told him. But another part of him... His heart? His soul? The one that Willow had risked her life to return to him. Or maybe it was just his awakened sexual appetites that wanted nothing more than to feel Willow in his arms again. To be inside her. Taste her sweetness.

Whatever it was, Angel was trying desperately to quiet it. That's what he needed the whiskey for, not that it did him much good. He couldn't ignore it. He had to face it. He had to talk to Willow.

Willow lay in her bed, the one she shared with Tara. Her body was as close to the edge as she could get without falling off. Every time Tara touched her it was a hot knife of guilt slicing into her. Which she figured she pretty much deserved, but she couldn't stand the pain. Which is why she jumped out of bed when Tara rolled over and put her arm around her.

"Willow, what's wrong?" Tara asked, after having been startled awake by her lover's sudden movement.

"Oh, Tara, I'm sorry." Willow gushed. "I-I didn't mean to wake you."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie. Just tell me what's wrong."

Willow could see Tara's beautiful face filled with concern in the silver moonlight streaming in from the window. Remorse stabbed into her gut.

"N-nothing's wrong, baby." She soothed. "I just can't sleep. I'm gonna go downstairs for awhile."

Tara moved the covers off of her body. "I'll come with you." She offered.

"No!" Willow said, a bit too adamantly.

Tara's stricken look added to Willow's already abundant guilt. "I mean, there's no need for both of us to loose sleep. Besides don't you have an early class tomorrow."

"Yeah ,but if you need me..."

"I'm fine, sweetie, really." Wanting to reassure her love, Willow dropped a kiss on the top of her head, ignoring the pang in her chest. "I'll be back up in a little while. I'll try to be quiet when I do."

"If you need anything wake me, okay?"

Willow gave a small smile, hoping it was dark enough in the room to conceal the tears in her eyes. Not trusting her voice Willow just bobbed her head, before opening the door and slipping out.

Angel new the number had to be here somewhere. He was sure Cordelia had it. He didn't want to risk calling the Summers' house phone at this time of night. He'd probably wake up the household and he didn't want to get the attention of anyone but Willow.

'Ah, here it is.' He held up the Rolodex card that had Willow's name and cell number scrawled on it.

He took up the phone and punched the numbers in. Holding his unneeded breath as the line rung.

Willow was killing time and trying to distract herself by surfing the net. She sat in the dining room in front of her laptop clicking into sites she hadn't visited in her cell phone buzzed. Thinking it must be an emergency for someone to be calling at this hour she didn't bother to check the caller ID before flipping it open.

"Hello?" She asked her voice already filled with panic.

"Willow?"

All the blood ran from her face at the sound of his voice.

"Angel." She breathed, feeling dizzy. "W-what do you want?"

Angel blinked incredulously at the other end. "What do I want?" He echoed. "What do you think? I want to talk Willow. We need to talk."

"No," Willow asserted in a voice full of forced control. "We don't. I can't. Goodbye."

"Wait, Willow." Angel cried.

But the line was already dead.

Angel slammed the phone back down in its cradle. 'Fine' he thought. 'If she won't talk to me on the phone, I'll just have to go see her in person.'

**End of chapter 3**

* * *

><p><strong>So, please let me know what you thought of this chapter.<strong>

**All thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.**


	4. Unwelcome

Angel was surprised that he found Willow alone at the Summers home. He figured the place would be packed with the usual suspects. He was sure he was going to have to wait around for hours until people shuffled off to their respective homes before trying to get Willow's attention.

But apparently he had luck on his side.

Guess it was a good thing he didn't try to rush down here as soon as she hung up on him last night (or this morning rather), which is what he had wanted to do. But he had thought better of it. Even if he had broken all the speed barriers it would have been impossible for him to have made it by daybreak.

So, he waited (impatiently) until sunset that evening.

And then he gunned it all the way to Sunnydale.

He had been in such a hurry wanting to see her and now for some reason he felt oddly hesitant, like he was nervous.

Being nervous was not a very Angel like quality.

He was the ever stoic vampire.

He remembered feeling a little like this in the early days with Buffy. When he had been hiding his true identity from her. But nothing quite like this.

He was not the anxious type.

That was a Xander Harris trait.

'God, please tell me I'm not turning into that idiot.'

All though there would be some advantages to being Xander.

Such as the fact that he never had to worry about losing his soul.

And then there was the fact that Willow had always had a thing for him.

Something that Angel had never understood.

And something that made an inexplicable flash of jealously go through him now.

'Get a grip!' He chided himself. 'Stop acting like a lovestruck school boy.'

He was just screwing up his resolve to go into the house to confront Willow when the back door opened and she stepped out.

He froze where he was behind the tree. Had been breathing at the time he would have stopped at the sight.

He had had the vision of pretty much nothing else but this girl in his head for days, but somehow his memory hadn't done her justice.

'My god.' He thought looking at her. 'Has she always been this beautiful?'

But she looked so tired. So broken down.

Like she needed a good weeks rest.

Angel almost felt guilty for intruding on what was probably one of her very few moments alone.

Almost.

Willow sank down on the back porch, thankful for the brief moment of solitude she was being granted.

Tara was at some lecture. Dawn was sleeping over at her friend Janice's and the other's were out on patrol.

She sighed.

It was nice to be alone.

Well mostly alone.

There was still the-

Willow's head snapped up when she heard a noise out in the darkness. She got to her feet, hands raised ready to use her magic against whatever big bad was lurking around.

"Willow it's me." A voice cajoled. Even though she recognized it she didn't readily drop her defensive stance.

"Angel?" She said quietly. Once she recovered from the surprise she added, "You shouldn't have come here." Her voice was all steely resolve, but the fist clenched tightly, trembling at her side betrayed her nerves.

"Well, maybe I wouldn't have to have come if you hadn't hung up on me." He shot back.

"I hung up on you because we have nothing to discuss. You should go."

"I'm not going anywhere until we talk about what happened with us Willow." He asserted stubbornly.

"Like I said on the phone." She said coolly. "Nothing happened."

"Trying to pretend that nothing happened is going to help anything." He chided. "You're being childish."

Willow let out a laugh in disbelief. "Oh so you came here to insult me, is that it?"

Angel's jaw clenched. "No," He gritted. "That wasn't my intention, but it's the truth we can't just ignore this."

"Why not?:" Willow countered hotly. "Why can't you just stay away and give it time, so we can forget it ever happened?"

"Forget?" Angel was incredulous. "Do you honestly believe you could ever forget about it? I know I won't. It's not possible. Right now I can't even close my eyes without seeing you. I haven't been able to sleep since..."

His words drifted off as they echoed through his mind, 'I haven't been able to sleep since the night we made love,' His voice had said those words before, but it was Angelus who had spoken them. Said them to Buffy's mother to mess with her.

Buffy.

God, what was he doing her?

Was this a mistake?

Was Willow right?

Should he have stayed away? Tried harder to forget?

Buffy.

He was supposed to be mouring her.

He should be-

"I know." Came Willow's quiet voice, cutting into his internal dialog. His focus returned completely back to her. "I haven't really slept much either." She continued. "Every time I close my eyes I'm right back there at the mansion. Like it's happening all over again."

Angel's hopes were beginning to lift until her heard her say,

"It makes me sick."

Those words were like a knife in his gut.

"Sick?" He echoed.

The look on her face while he was inside her flickered through his mind for the millionth time. Maybe he had been remembering it wrong the whole time, but it certainly didn't look like a face full of revulsion.

"Was it really that horrible for you?" He asked.

Willow's eyes squeezed tightly shut. Again the image appeared to her, him on top of her grounding into her. On the rare occasion she had been able to sleep she always dreamed about it. Of him. When she woke up she was always wet and touching herself.

Even thinking about it now made her damp with need.

Her body betrayed her again.

Damn biology!

"No." She quietly confessed. "No, it wasn't horrible. That's why I'm disgusted with myself."

Angel understood that. He felt the same way some of the time. But mostly all he thought about was wanting to touch her again. Taste her.

When the wind shifted his way from her he caught the delicate scent of arousal.

Without any will of his own his body moved toward her. He wasn't even aware of the shift until he was less than a foot in front of her.

He reached out a hand and stroked her cheek.

She turned away.

"Angel, please..." Her words were quiet, pleading

They were also her undoing.

They were meant as a plea to Angel to be the stronger of them and to walk away, but instead they revealed to him the chink in her armour.

'Angel please...' he heard again.

And he pounced on it.

He moved his hand down to the nape of her neck pulled her to him bringing his lips crashing down on hers.

No matter what objections Willow's mind was posing her lips moved against Angel's and parted when his tongue begged for entrance. When his arms went about her pulling her tighter to him hers moved around his neck and pulled as well.

For all his imaginings Angel could not have pictured how amazing it would feel to have Willow in his arms again. It was like something had been missing from him this last week and he finally had it back.

Just when they were both about to lose themselves in the feeling of each other's embrace again a voice intruded.

"Willow, I require your services."

Angel froze at the sound. Had his heart been beating it would have stopped.

Willow jumped back from him startled. He would have noticed the loss of her more had it not been for the girl standing on the porch.

He couldn't believe his eyes. It couldn't be. How could he not of sensed her presence?

"B-buffy?" His voice was hushed with astonishment.

"Oh god!" Willow gasped, horrified. "Angel it's not what you think-"

"Angel?" The Buffybot mused. It came down the steps looking at him, it's Buffy head tilted to one side. "You use to be my boyfriend." It said. "But then I realised what a pouf you were and how bloody stupid your hair is."

"What?" Angel was still reeling. He didn't understand how she could be here or what the hell she was saying.

Willow couldn't believe what an idiot she was for forgetting the bot was still inside waiting for her to fix the dent in the back of its head that it sustained on its first time on patrol after a vamp knocked it back into a headstone.

"Angel it's not what it looks like." She rushed panicking. "It's not really Buffy."

"Yes I am." the bot argued. "I'm Buffy. I am the Slayer. Vampires of the night beware!" The bot placed it's fist squarely on her hips in a pose reminiscent of Peter Pan.

Willow wished she could rip the wires out of the hunk of metal. "It's a robot." She explained.

Angel looked at her confused. "A robot?" He echoed non comprehendingly. "Why? How? What?"

Good questions all, but Willow decided she could not even begin to answer them in any sort of detail. "It's along story." She said and gave him the abridged version. "I fixed it up so that the dark forces, and her dad, wouldn't know that Buffy wasn't... around."

"Fixed her?" He asked. "Why was there a robot Buffy to begin with?"

No way was Willow going to tell him anything about Spike's having the Buffy bot made. She knew Angel would be the last person he would ever want to be apprised of that fact. And after everything he's done helping with patrolling and especially Dawn, she wasn't going to betray him like that.

"Like I said, long story." She reiterated. She turned to the bot. "Listen, go inside and I'll be right in to patch you up, okay?" 'And to reprogram you so you won't remember seeing any of what happened with Angel. I hope.'

The Buffy bot beamed a million watt smile and said. "Okay!" She whipped around and flounced back inside.

Willow's eyes closed and she sighed. Now that the Buffybot's interruption had bitch slapped her back to reality she turned to Angel with her resolve face on.

"I have to go and take care of that." She said stonily. "You need to leave now." Her back stiff she turned it on Angel. She took a couple of steps then paused she turned her head slightly and threw scathingly over her shoulder. "And don't come back."

Without waiting for any kind of objection or reply she turned and went up the steps into the house.

Angel had been to shocked at having seen the image of Buffy just standing before him to have said a word. So he just watched silently as Willow went into the house.

And after a moment he was able to take action again and he left.

Willow was shaking almost violently by the time she made it inside the door. The adrenalin that had been coursing through her after being caught in that compromising position with Angel was quickly draining from her, leaving her a tired, nervous wreck.

'Thank god for the Buffybot.'

Now that's something she never would have thought would cross her mind.

Even she was acting as an affective decoy for the demon populace of Sunnydale. Willow had still wished she didn't have to be around wearing her friends face, talking in her voice, though a much perkier version, the sound remained the same.

But, the bot had proved herself useful tonight, interrupting a bad situation before it got worse.

She remembered Angel's face when he saw the Buffybot.

The anguish, the shock. He looked like he'd just been staked.

'Good,' Thought Willow. 'Maybe seeing such a potent reminder of the woman who he was supposed to be in love with forever, will help him to forget what happened. Or at least make him try harder to.'

That didn't seem to likely though from where Willow stood.

After all she was surrounded by it all the time. And every time she saw the facade she was hit with the image of what she'd done and a following wave of guilt.

But, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe, Angel would be crippled with same feeling and keep his distance.

She knew that as soon as she closed her eyes that night she would see him. The way she saw him every night since the 'incident' as she had taken to calling it in her mind.

And now she had that burning sensation on her lips and skin again from where he touched her.

God, how could she have allowed herself to get so caught up like that again with him?

Why had she wanted to be with him in the first place?

'Hello, gay now!'

She was with Tara and she loved her.

'Oh, god, Tara.'

Now she had betrayed her a second time.

She felt hopeless just then. Everything was so messed up. And not just what happened between her and Angel. She could feel it everywhere. The world was wrong. It was all crumbling. Nothing made sense anymore.

Not since Buffy...

'If Buffy were here things would be right again.'

'It would fix everything if she were around.'

If Buffy were back she could make things right again.

But Buffy wasn't coming back. Buffy was gone.

Dead and gone.

'If only I could...' Willow thought wretchedly.

And then it hit her.

'Not IF.'

The revelation slammed into her like a truck.

She thought about how powerful she had become in the last couple of years and of all the text she had read on resurrection, especially after Joyce had passed.

But Joyce had died naturally, there had been no way to safely bring her back and expect she would be anything more than a zombie.

But Buffy...

There had been nothing natural about the way the Slayer had met her demise.

Hell, she herself was not an entirely natural entity.

She was the Slayer.

That meant the rules were different.

That meant it was possible.

Buffy could return.


	5. Forget you

Spike walked through the Summers' backyard, he had on foot on the back step when the scent hit him.

It was slight and a few days old, but it was still lingering, and it hadn't been around last time he was here.

'Hmm,' He thought. 'So dear old granddad's been lurking about, eh?'

He wondered briefly about the older vamp's motives for his visit, but then decided he really didn't give a fuck what he was doing here as long as he was staying out of his way.

And as long as he didn't upset Dawn.

He knew the bit was a big fan of "Sir broods a lot " as she told him used to be her nickname for Angel back in the day when he first started dating Buffy.

He smirked, he always knew there was a reason he'd taken a shine to the girl from the start.

He shook the Angel smell out of his nostrils and went inside.

"Hey, good you're here." He was greeted instantly by Tara.

"That I am."

"Okay, so Willow said she'll be out late running some errands and I have a class until ten." The witch informed. "I wrote down all the numbers in case there's an emergency, and Dawn ordered pizza it should be here in about fifteen minutes."

Spike ire was flashing. He didn't mind hanging out with Niblit, but he did resent being treated like a run of the mill babysitter. Talking to him like he was some normal human. Like he wasn't threatening. Like he was some domesticated animal.

Hurts a man's pride.

Tara was rushing around the kitchen collecting her things "Oh and there's plenty of blood in the fridge." She said. "Beer too."

At that Spike raised his eyebrows. "That's mighty thoughtful of you, Glenda."

Tara gave him that small shy smile of hers. "Yeah well, if you let Dawn drink it again, it'll be the last time it's allowed."

"What?" Spike erupted, insulted. "I would never let the bit-"

Tara had her arms folded over her chest and was giving him that knowing look.

'Bollocks, looks like the bit ratted me out after all.'

"It was only a sip." he defended. "And she spit most of it out anyway. I knew she wasn't going to like it. And even if she had I wouldn't have let her have anymore."

Tara just nodded at him, barely concealing her amusement.

'Great,' Spike thought. 'Now, I'm a bloody source of entertainment.'

He sighed and followed as Tara left the kitchen.

"Dawnie, I'm leaving!" She called up the stairs.

The teenager came bumbling down the stairs.

"I'll be back a little after ten." Tara told the girl, while putting on her jacket."So, I'll say g-goodnight now in case you're asleep by then."

Dawn snorted. "Like I'm a baby or something, I can't stay awake passed ten?"

"That's not what I meant." Said Tara. She bent down and dropped a motherly kiss on Dawn's head.

The girl smiled.

It touched Spike's unbeating heart that smile. He now had a new appreciation for the good witch.

"Have fun."

"You, too." Replied Dawn. "Learn lots at your lecture."

Tara Smiled. "Bye. Bye, Spike."

Spike nodded a farewell, "See ya, Glenda."

When she was gone he turned to Dawn.

"Right then, bit, what's on the agenda for tonight."

She smiled at him, then showed him the lord of the rings trilogy DVD's.

He groaned inwardly.

'Damn that whelp Harris to hell for getting the girl hooked on those hobbits.'

He plastered on a smile and clapped his hands together.

"Okay, we'd better get started then, eh?"

He plopped down on the sofa while Dawn loaded the player and settled in for a night full of the adventures of Frodo and friends.

Great.

'Thank hell for that beer.'

To say the last few days for Angel had been dark ones would be an understatement. As soon as he made it back to L.A. after his encounter with Willow (and the Robo-Slayer), he stormed into the Hyperion, growled something at Fred when she enquired amiably as to where he had gone, stomped upstairs and slammed the door to his room.

He didn't open it again for three days.

It was a good thing he'd remembered to stock pile it with whiskey.

Too bad though he didn't take precautions about the blood.

The lack of it in his system couple with the copious amounts of alcohol lead to some very vivid hallucinations.

They always started back at the mansion. With Willow.

He was kissing her. His hands traveling over her body. Cupping her breast. Then he'd ease her down to the floor, slip off her panties and releasing his erection he pushed inside her. His eyes closing as the sensation of her slick, hot flesh enveloped him.

Then he'd open his eyes and it was Buffy lying under him. He'd keep pumping into her hard, while his hands reached around her throat, squeezing, tighter and tighter while he fucked her.

Then her eyes would pop out and sparks would come spurting out of their sockets.

While his mind tried to comprehend that the woman would turn into Willow again.

His hands around her broken neck.

She was dead.

Then he'd cum.

And it was over.

When he surfaced back to reality he'd find his throbbing cock in his hand rubbed red and raw.

He had to get out of this room.

"Angel!" Fred gushed as soon as he came down stairs. "You're up and about!"

It was amazing how enthusiastic the girl could be to see him after what a jerk he'd been to her.

"Hey, Fred." he mumbled. It wasn't a happy mumble, but at least he wasn't biting her head off. It was a start.

He stalked passed everybody else in the room and went to the kitchen. He wasn't ready for a big confrontation yet.

"Well, he acknowledged my presence." ventured Fred. "That's something."

"Yeah," Said Gunn. "But did you get a good whiff of the guy? I think I got buzzed just when he walked past me. What's he doing bathing in whiskey?"

Cordy scoffed. "Yeah, like he's bathed at all in the last week."

"Well, I still think it's great that he came downstairs." Fred attested.

"I'm inclined to agree." inserted Wesley. "It's a good sign."

"Let's just hope he keeps it up."

In the kitchen Angel downed as much blood as he could and grabbed an ice pack for his sore dick.

He listened to his friends worried voices as they drifted in and the functioning part of his brain knew they were right.

Enough was enough.

It's time for him to snap out of whatever it is this is and get back to work.

Willow was right.

They needed to forget.

No matter how hard it would be.

When he went back upstairs the first thing he did was shower.

The people downstairs would be extremely grateful for that.

Afterwards he tore down all the drawings of Willow and stuffed them in a garbage bag. Which he then promptly took out to the back alley burned.

And then he went and searched the streets for something to kill.

When Willow came home she was greeted with a familiar seen.

Dawn cuddled up with Spike on the couch.

She smiled at them. She was in a much better mood this time then she had been the last time she saw them like that.

And she and Angel...

No. She wouldn't spoil her good mood by thinking about that. Not when she had something so wonderful to be happy about. She'd found it.

The spell.

She found the way to bring back Buffy.

She was practically buzzing with the excitement.

She had the urge to wake the sleeping vamp and teenager to share the news.

But, no. Bad idea. It's too soon.

No matter how confident she had become in her magical abilities there was always a chance she might fail.

No way was she going to get Spike and Dawn's hopes up just to have them crushed when she couldn't come through for them.

Just like she hadn't come through for Buffy in the first place.

'No.' she berated herself. 'You're happy remember? You can do this. You have to.'

She grabbed a blanket and covered the pair on the sofa. Then she plodded upstairs to her room.

The blush of early morning was streaming through the slit in the curtains by the time she had put on her pajamas and come out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth. That wasn't so unusual these days. She was often just slipping in to bed just before the sun rose then pretending she had been there all night.

She always went to bed with Tara then waited for her to fall asleep before getting up and going downstairs to research and avoid sleeping, which lead to dreaming.

Dreaming of Angel.

"Wow, you're late." Came Tara's voice startling her.

"Huh?"

"You usually manage to make it up before first light."

Oh.

Guess she hadn't been so stealthy after all.

Dang.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on or..."

Willow took a breath. She hated keeping things from Tara, hated lying to the woman she loved.

She didn't want to keep anymore secrets from her.

Steeling herself she walked over to the bed and perched in front of Tara.

"It's about Buffy." She began.

Tara nodded,. "I k-kind of figured she had something to do with it." She remarked. Her eyes were so soft and open, full of love. They urged Willow on to tell her whatever it was she needed to say and told her she would give her comfort, whatever she needed.

Willow could feel her heartbreaking.

Taking a chance she hadn't dared to take in what seemed like forever, Willow reached out and took hold of Tara's hands.

"Tara," She croaked. Her throat was so dry from being nervous. She swallowed. "I-I want to bring her back."

Tara's brow pinched. "W-willow, "she began softly. "I-I know how much you love her, but you know what the risk are with resurrection spells. Remember Dawn tried-"

Willow waved her hands in objection, Tara quieted.

"This is different." She declared. "I've done the research. That's why I've been up all night every night. Joyce's death was natural. But Buffy's wasn't, it was entirely brought about by mystical forces. It's like a loophole."

Tara's face was still full of uncertainty.

Willow squeezed her hands, begging her to understand.

"Tara, listen," She pleaded. "I really think-" She stopped. No, thinking she could do it wasn't going to be enough to convince Tara. "I know," She affirmed. "That I can do this." Her face softened and she cupped Tara's cheek.. "But, I need you by my side. So, what do you say, are you with me?"

Tara smiled serenely at her and stroked her hair. Willow was overjoyed when she felt no jolt of pain at her lover's touch.

"Always." Tara murmured. "I'm always with you."

Willow's chest warmed, without even thinking about it she leaned over and kissed her girl.

It was a soft, polite kiss at first. But it soon turned hungry.

Then for the first time since Buffy died, Willow and Tara made love.

It would have been perfect had it not been for a place in the back of her mind that compared Tara's touch to Angel's.


	6. By your grave

"So, little sis started school today." Spike said.

He was at Buffy's grave. He went there every night to talk to her, feel close to her. And apprise her of the things going on in Dawn's life, as well as the occasional tid bit about the others she left behind.

"You'd be right proud of her." He went on. "The way she's handling herself and everything. It's remarkable the way she's managed, all things considered."

"But, she misses you like mad, of course. They all do."

"I miss you." he added quietly.

"God, how I miss you. Miss you tellin' me what a monster I am. How you could never want me an' all that. Just miss your voice. Miss all of you."

He laughed ruefully. "You know you were right about that bloody bot." He admitted. "It's not real. Not you, could never even compare. Don't know how I could have ever been so daft as to think it could ever be a substitute for the real thing. I can barely stand to look at the abomination. When she talks, the things she says, about me, things I wanted her to say."

He clenched his jaw tight in anger. He was angry at himself. His eyes prickled with tears. He sniffed and straitened clearing his throat.

"Right then," he announced. "I should shove off. I'm watching the bit tonight, the others got some important things to take care of, seems like a lot of that lately." he mused. He shrugged. "Well, suits me just fine, Dawn's the only one of 'em of I care to be around anyway. She's the only one that has a piece of you."

He ran a hand over the top of the grave, careful not to disturb the stone lying on it, that had appeared since his last visit.

'That's a Jewish thing innit?' he mused 'Red must've been by.'

"Well I know you don't care to hear it and that, but... I love you, Buffy."

He clenched his eyes tight shut for a moment, allowing the tears to spill, then took his hand off the grave and walked away.

Willow had been sleeping less and less as the night neared. Though, she really needed the rest when she was going to be performing such a powerful spell in just a few nights time.

But, how could she sleep?

It was just days until they brought Buffy back.

Or attempted to anyway.

'No, no attempting. It's going to work. It has to.'

She took in a deep calming breath.

'It's going to work.' she told herself again. The words had become a sort of mantra to her. 'Everything's all set. All the elements are in place. All that's left is to do it. Then Buffy will be back and everything will be as it should be.'

She kept saying these things to herself building her resolve as she approached Buffy's grave.

When she stepped on a twig she frightened herself and jumped.

She looked down at her feet and laughed at herself.

'You would think after the kind of things I've been through these past years I wouldn't scare so easily.'

While her eyes were on the ground she saw something that made her heart clench.

There were cigarette butts scattered at a respectable distance from the headstone. A lot of them.

She knew they could only belong to one person.

She wasn't really surprised that he had been here, but judging by the amount of butts she wondered how often he visited, how long he stayed.

She found herself hoping that when Buffy came back she would be able to see the change that had occurred in Spike for herself.

She doubted that she would ever want to date him or anything, but maybe, she would go a bit easier on him.

"Hey Buffy." She ventured tentatively. "It's me, Willow. I just wanted to come and let you know that it's almost time. We're almost ready. I'm gonna get you out."

She could feel that lump that was never far from her throat begin to surface.

"I know that it's not going to make what I did better." she admitted. "But it's a way that I can begin to make amends with you, for the way I betrayed you. I know no matter what if you really knew what happened you would hate me forever, and well I deserve it. And you deserve to be here, alive to hate me forever."

So, there it was again.

Willow had kept insisting that the reason for wanting to bring Buffy back was because she believed in the possibility that she was suffering in some hell dimension and that was true.

But what also fueled her determination to resurrect the Slayer was guilt. She thought that if she were able to give Buffy her life back it would be away for her to make it up to her for what happened with Angel.

Something that never would have happened had Buffy not died in the first place.

Another thing Willow felt responsible for.

But that she could fix. She couldn't erase what had happened with Angel, but she could and would give Buffy her life back. And rescue her from her current hell.

She just kept reminding herself of that every time she felt tortured by her guilt that what she was going through couldn't possibly compare to what Buffy must be enduring wherever she was. So she could deal.

"Don't worry, Buffy." She said. "You just have to hold on for a little longer, everything will be okay. Once you're back everything will be just fine."

It was very late (early) by the time Willow trumped into the Summers home. She glanced at the couch expecting to see Dawn and Spike curled up there again. But it was empty.

She shrugged and plodded up stairs. She was bone tired and ready to plop on her and Tara's soft fluffy bed and sip into unconsciousness. But she heard something coming from Buffy's room that halted her.

Her brow crinkled.

'Is that crying?'

She slowly made her way over to the door that was open just a slit. She thought it must be Dawn and her chest constricted thinking of the pain the young girl must be going through. But as she got closer she could tell the sound was not coming from a teenage girl.

She pushed the door open just wide enough to see inside.

Her breath hitched looking at the figure sitting on the end of Buffy's bed.

Spike's shoulders were hunched over his face was buried in something he was holding in his hands.

Buffy's shirt, Willow realised.

And there was that damn lump again.

Willow hovered in the doorway, not sure what to do. Part of her wanted to go over to the vampire and hug him, hold him, try to comfort him somehow.

But another part of her didn't exactly think that Spike would welcome her consoling.

She bit her lip and just stood there her gaze shifting from the man on the bed to the empty hall, finally she decided to try and slip away quietly.

She wasn't successful.

"I know you're there, Red." Spike's low voice told her.

"Oh, um, I'm sorry I didn't mean to, um," she stammered. "I was just going to bed and I heard, I thought it might be Dawn."

" 'S all right, pet." Spike interrupted looking over his shoulder at her. "I'm not ashamed. Real men cry, only insecure tossers try to hide their tears."

Willow gave a small smile and ventured into the room. "Are you okay?" She asked. "Do you wanna, I don't know talk, maybe?"

Spike chuffed. "Well, now lets not get crazy there."

He stood up taking in a slow, deep, unneeded, breath.

"Well," he cleared his throat. "Guess it's time for me to shove off then, eh?"

He walked passed her to the door.

"Night, Red."

"Spike, wait." She called.

He turned and gave her an expectant look.

Willow wanted to tell him that he didn't need to feel like this, that he didn't have to be sad because Buffy would be back soon and it would be okay.

But how could she do that when no matter how much she tried to deny it there was still that chance something would go wrong and she would fail. Then the pain would only be that much worse after having been given that glimmer of hope.

"Yeah, pet?"

"Um, good night." Willow muttered. "Sleep well and be careful on the way home." She through him a weak smile.

Spike gave her a look that was a mixture of amusement and him thinking she was a complete nutter.

But he just said. "Thanks." and left.

Willow sighed and sank down on Buffy's bed.

'Goddess, please let the spell work. Please let Buffy come back to the people who love her so they can forget this pain.'

And that included Angel.

It didn't work.

The whole forgetting thing. It wasn't working for Angel.

He tried. Tried as hard as he could.

It helped sometimes whenever the thought of the girl with red hair and skin like ivory would drift into his head for him to go out and kill something.

As a result he had gotten rid of so many vampires and demons in the last few weeks than he had in all his years of fighting the good fight in Sunnydale.

And then when he was through he would drag his sorry ass back to the Hyperion just minutes before morning and go to bed.

And that's where the trouble lied.

Because no matter how much he struggled to distract himself during his waking hours, there was absolutely nothing he could do to drive the woman from his dreams.

The vision of her in his dreams was even more relentless now than it had been weeks before.

He figured it was because he had shoved her so hard from his consciousness when he was awake that she was the only thing that remained in his sub-conscious mind and her memory resented being hidden away there, so it attacked him with a full assault as soon as he closed his eyes.

And every morning he would wake up with another pair of sheets ruined from the attack.

When he woke up the sheets were sticky like they always were.

He sighed frustrated.

Closing his eyes.

The vision of her still tattooed on the back of his eye lids.

'Oh, Willow.'

His member stirred.

Well, since the sheets were already messy.


	7. Comeback

'That bitch!' Spike's mind screamed as he paced the hole in the crypt that served as his bedroom. 'That fucking bitch! How could she? How could she not tell me what she was gonna do? After everything I've done? After the way she caught me blubbering in Buffy's room the other night. She knew what I was going through and she knew then what she was plannin' and she said nothing.'

Sweet as pie Willow. Batting those big, green, artless eyes at everyone, that shy, innocent smile of hers. No one would ever suspect her to go around people's backs like that. It was all too easy for people to underestimate the poppet. Even he had been fooled by her, and he had been around long enough and seen enough to know you can't judge a book by its cover.

'Well, never again.' He vowed. "Bitch is off ol' Spike's Christmas card list.'

He was so angry at her. He couldn't remember the last time he was so pissed off at someone.

'Oh right, that would probably have been Angelus.' He realised.

But this was different from being mad at his grandsire. He had always hated that bastard, so it was nothing new. But Willow...

Well he didn't like admitting it, but over the last few weeks he had actually started to see the little witch as a friend. But that was well over now.

The bitch betrayed him. And Spike wasn't the forgive and forget type.

He let out a howl of rage and frustration and punched the wall.

Pain shocked up his entire arm.

He laughed and looked at his bleeding knuckles.

'Pain, huh.'

Guess this isn't some dream after all.

A noise sounded upstairs. He went on alert immediately and grabbed a knife ready to take care of whatever ooglie booglie it happened to be.

He would expected anything, anyone other than who he found.

"Buffy?"

Willow wasn't happy.

She couldn't understand it. She should be ecstatic. It had worked. The spell had worked. Buffy was back. She brought her back from eternal torture in a hell dimension.

So, why did Buffy seem so depressed.

Yeah, okay, so having been to hell, not something you just shrug off. But Willow had expected some kind of sign that she was grateful.

Not that she was looking for a thank you.

'Cause that wasn't it at all.

But, Buffy had been back almost a week now and she hadn't even smiled once.

Not that Willow had seen anyway.

Willow's cell phone sounded breaking her from her dejected reverie.

She flipped it open distractedly.

"Hello?"

No one said anything.

Her brow scrunched up.

"Hello?"

"Willow, don't hang up."

Willow's back straitened, she was now fully alert.

'Oh, goddess.'

"Angel?"

Angel had been pacing around in his office for so long now it was a miracle he hadn't wore a well in the floor.

He had been picking up the phone intermittently, he'd listen to the dial tone for a moment then slamming it down again.

Sometimes he'd even go as far as to punch in her number, well most of it, he'd always stop just before the last one.

But after about the millionth time he finally completed the call.

His fingers tapped imapatiently on his desk as he waited for the connection to establish.

Then he finally heard her voice.

"Hello?"

His eyes closed and let the sweet sound overtake him. God, he loved her voice.

"Hello?"

He heard again and realised he let the moment draw out a beat too long.

Suddenly his throat was very dry.

He straitened up and dove in.

"Willow," He said urgently. "Don't hang up."

Now she heisted. But she wasn't hanging up he could hear her breathing.

Then she said it.

"Angel?"

The sound of his name on her lips was like a song from heaven.

"Oh, god Angel." An edge of panic had crept into her voice that wasn't so pleasant.

"Willow?" He questioned suddenly sobered. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, god, Angel, I'm so sorry I was going to tell you, really I was." She was babbling and clearly upset. "Everything just got so crazy first there was the hitchiker from hell that made Anya cut up her face and Dawn breath fire, and then the pipes bursting and the demon coming to the house.-"

"Willow!" Angel broke into her ranting. "What the hell is going on? What did you mean to tell me?"

"I-it's Buffy." She croaked "Angel, Buffy's back."

"A-angel?" She asked after a few beats of dead silence on the other end. She could only imagine what he must be thinking. She really was going to tell him about Buffy. She just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

"Angel?" She said again.

He still didn't respond.

She wondered if he fainted or something from the shock.

'Do vampires faint?'

Well, Spike had talked about passing out before so she guessed it was possible that they fainted as well.

She was getting worried now.

This was all her fault if Angel was passed out cold on the other end of the phone. What if he hit his head or something.

Her tummy was starting to have that weird feeling like she drank too much coffee or something.

"Angel?" Her voice showed her panic now.

"Angel, answer me!"

"Hello?" A voice finally came on the line, but it wasn't Angel's.

"Cordelia?"

Cordelia walked into the Hyperion she noticed the light in Angel's office and was relieved that he was there and not locked up in his room. She smiled and crossed the room to say hello.

"Hey, Angel,-" She stopped when she saw him sitting there just staring off ahead of him a dazed expression on his face.

"Angel?"

He didn't say anything, didn't move. He gave no indication what so ever that he was aware of her presence.

She walked into the room and peered down at him.

"Angel, are you okay?" She waved a hand in front of his face.

Nothing.

No response.

If he wasn't a vampire she might of thought he had had a stroke or something.

She heard a muffled voice squawking and looked down to see the telephone receiver on the floor.

She picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Cordelia?"

"Willow?"

"What happened is Angel okay?"

"I was just going to ask you that question." She replied. "What the hell did you say to him? He's all zombified."

"I told him that Buffy was alive."

"What?"

Willow related the jest of the spell to her.

Cordelia let that sink in, now fully understanding Angel's state.

"We'll call you back." She said to Willow and hung up the phone.

"Angel?" Cordelia urged, gently but firmly. She gave him a shake. "Hey, Angel you need to snap out of it okay?"

"B-Buffy..." he uttered. It was a barely audible sound, but Cordy was relieved all the same, he said something.

"She's alive." He said.

"Yeah, I know." Said Cordelia. "Willow told me."

"W-willow." he murmured and then remembered what the purpose of his call had been in the first place. "I need to talk to her." he asserted, suddenly more alert.

"I'm sure she wants to talk to you too." Cordelia replied assuming he had meant Buffy. "Here I'll call her for you."

She picked up the phone and punched in some numbers. She handed off the ringing phone to Angel.

"Hello?" The familiar voice answered.

'Oh, god it's true.'

"Buffy?"


	8. Hey Jealousy

**Chapter title: Hey jealousy**

**Rated: NC-17**

**Pairings: Willow/Angel, Willow/Tara.**

**Author's note: I thought now would be a good place to admit its been awhile since I've watched any of the Angel series so my timeline might be a bit off with his team. Also for the purposes of this fic Angel never slept with Darla, thus no Conner.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to Joss Whedon and Co.**

* * *

><p>Willow wasn't jealous. Of course she wasn't. Why would she be jealous?<p>

There was absolutely no reason for it what so ever.

She wasn't jealous that Buffy was with Angel right now.

In fact she was happy that the couple were reuniting at some secret rendevous point. Because seeing Angel just might be the thing that Buffy needs to snap her out of this funk she seemed to be in since she came back.

Because Angel was her one true love.

And she was his.

And Willow wasn't at all jealous of that.

She wasn't.

She wanted her best friend to be happy again and if Angel could make that happen then she was all for it.

'Just hope Angel's not getting too happy.'

But that was a ridiculous thought she knew. Buffy and Angel would never let that happen. Then again Angel hadn't been all that in control the last times Willow had seen it really that far a fetch that he could get carried away after seeing his great love back from the dead?

The images came to her unbidden.

Buffy and Angel taking one look at each other and rushing into the others arms. Then their lips would meet. Their hands would roam over each others bodies. He would be kissing and touching her all over and then-

CRACK!

The sound snapped Willow out of her unwanted reverie. She looked down at the broken juice glass in her hand that she was supposed to be cleaning.

"Whoa, Wills." A voice sounded from behind her, startled she whipped around to see Xander.

"You know I've often had the same idea." He remarked. "To just break all the dishes instead going to all the trouble of washing them and all, but I always gave it up, not very practical." He was smirking at her but the gesture fell when he caught sight of her hand.

"Holy crap, Will, you're bleeding!" Xander grabbed a clean towel and rushed over to her.

"What?" Willow replied absently. She looked down at the hand that Xander was wrapping in a white towel instantly staining crimson with her blood. "Oh god." she was stunned, she hadn't even felt it. "I don't know what happened." She explained shaking her head. "I just blanked out a bit I guess."

"Yeah?" Xander asked his face a picture of concern. "Since when were you ever a space cadet? You're supposed to be the grounded one, I'm the flighty one, remember?" He cracked a smile at him.

She returned it weakly.

"Come on," He urged guiding her over to sit down at the kitchen island. He retrieved one of the many first aid kits in the Summers' house from under the sink.

Willow was still staring down numbly at her wounded hand.

"Here," Xander said removing the towel. "I'll have to clean it before I'll know if it's deep enough that you need stitches." He popped the top of the antiseptic bottle. "This'll sting." He warned before dabbing the liquid onto the wound.

Willow hissed with the contact, that she felt.

"Sorry." Xander murmured, patting the cut. "Well, I don't think it needs stitches." He remarked. "But maybe we should take you to the emergency room to be safe?"

Willow shook her head.

"No, it's okay." She assured. "Could you just bandage it for me?"

"You sure?"

She smiled and nodded.

"Okay then."

Xander opened a bandage.

"So," He ventured as he pulled off the white plastic strip of the adhesive. "You wanna tell me what was going on up there?" He asked nodding toward her head.

"Huh?" She asked. "Oh, uh, nothing important." She murmured.

"You're worried about Buffy aren't you?" He asked knowingly.

He wasn't that far off. She had been thinking about Buffy, but not in the way he was thinking. If he knew...

Well, Willow didn't even want to think about that.

"Yeah, I get it." Xander went on. "I've been worried to, she hasn't been herself since..." he let his sentence run off.

"But she's gonna be all right." he said a bit more optimistically. "She just needs time to readjust. She'll be back to her old Buffster self in no time."

Willow smiled at him wanting him to think he had cheered her up.

"Yeah," She agreed. "I'm sure you're right."

Angel walked into the hotel and was met with the faces of all of his friends. He had to fight a growl, he really wanted to be alone after his meeting with the newly resurrected Buffy.

"So how was it?" Cordelia pounced without preamble.

"Hello to you to, Cordy." He caustically replied breezing passed the crowd and taking off his jacket.

"Oh sorry," Cordelia chastened. "Angel, hi welcome back. So how was it?"

Angel glared at her.

"Cordelia," Wesley interjected. "Perhaps we should let Angel alone for now. I'm sure his encounter with Buffy was something he'd really rather keep private."

"Thanks Wes," Angel told the former watcher gratefully. "He's right." He said to the others. "I don't want to talk about it. Now if you'll excuse me, the trip was pretty tiring." He walked by them and trumped up the stairs.

Cordelia huffed, her arms crossed over her shoulders.

"Uh, what's with the 'tude?" She wondered. "I mean, Buffy's alive. So okay I don't expect him to be all jumping for joy 'cause he's, you know, Angel, but I at least would think he would be a little less with the big brood."

She looked to the others for some kind of agreement.

"Yeah, I'm with you sweet cheeks." Remarked Lorne. "I sure hope he's not going to pull another Howard Hughes, this place still hasn't quite aired out from the last time." He fanned his hands against the phantom odor.

"Angel's very complicated." Remarked Wesley. "He has his own way of dealing with things and he's not one to show his emotions, I'm sure he's thrilled to have seen Buffy."

"Hunh," Said Cordelia. "He sure didn't seem thrilled. Hey maybe the two of them got a bit carried away and he's Angelus, I mean that would explain the whole moody thing."

"I think if Angelus had been unleashed we would all already be dead." Wesley reasoned.

Cordelia cocked her head in concession. "Guess so."

There was a beat of silent contemplation.

Then Fred asked, "Who's Angelus?".

Angel slammed the door and stripped off his clothes. He marched into the bathroom and stepped in the shower. He closed his eyes and tilted his head up into the hot spray. He blindly grabbed for the soap and lathered up his hands, he scrubbed them roughly over his face.

He should be ecstatic right now. He just came from meeting Buffy, she was back, alive. It should have been the greatest moment of his existence when he held her in his arms again. But it wasn't.

He felt like a failure somehow. Buffy hadn't spoken much. In a true shift in roles he had been the one doing most of the talking, Buffy had just listened quietly while he went on about how it was to cope after being trapped in hell.

That's what Cordelia had told him Willow had said Buffy had been in hell.

He wanted to make her feel better. He tried to tell her that the flashbacks and nightmares would disappear in time.

He had waited for her to respond, to open up, confide in him about what she had gone through, but she never did.

She just smiled a small smile at him and murmured thanks.

When they went their separate ways, Angel was left feeling inadequate.

It was a very surreal experience seeing her.

It was different from every other meeting they ever had.

All the other times they had always fell immediately into a comfortable place together, no matter how long it had been or what had happened between them. They had always been able to fall right back into that place.

But not this time. This time there had been this impassable distance between them.

It almost felt like they were strangers.

It wasn't all that unreasonable from Buffy's end, Angel reckoned, after what she had just been through.

But, when he held her in his arms all he could think about was how wrong it seemed to feel. She didn't fit him the way Willow had.

Willow...

Angel's cock twitched instantly with the thought of the redhead and before long it was standing fully at attention.

With his soap slicked hand he began to stroke himself thoroughly as images of the witch passed through his mind.

He imagined her lying in her bed, she wouldn't be alone, she would be with her lover, Tara. He had only caught a glimpse of the woman he assumed was Tara standing next to Willow at Buffy's funeral, but from what he could remember of her he could understand the attraction. She had a nice figure, curvaceous. He could see why Willow would want to make love to such a woman.

He imagined this now.

Willow caressing Tara's full breast with her hand, then taking them in her mouth and suckling. Then kissing down her chest and body until her head was between the woman's parted, inviting, legs. Tara moaned, her head knocking back as Willow's tongue slipped between her folds.

He abused himself more ferociously. The image drove him crazy in more ways than one. As beautiful and erotic as the vision of the two women together was, Angel also hated the idea of anyone touching Willow other than himself.

So he imagined himself into the fantasy. He stood there completely naked by the bed staring as Willow worked over Tara's cunt. Then her head popped up and she smiled at him.

"She taste so good." She said, her lips were glistening with Tara's sexual juices. "Do you wanna try?"

Angel nodded.

Willow smiled and stood. She reached out her hand to Angel, he took it walking over to her. Willow put a hand on his shoulder and urged him to his knees.

"Its okay baby." Willow cooed as she sidled up next to Tara. "Don't worry."

Angel started at the mass of little dark curls before him. He wanted a taste. He felt himself vamp out and he sank his fangs into her inner thigh.

She cried out as he drank her dry.

Once he'd had his fill he looked up at a wide-eyed Willow.

"What did you do?" She asked him, horrified.

"What I had to." He growled. "You're mine." He surged up onto the bed covering Willow's naked body with his own force her legs apart so he could get inside, he plunged his throbbing cock into her hard.

She screamed. "Oh God, Angel!" Her fingers raked down his back. " Yes, I'm yours!"

He fucked her hard and fast right there next to the corpse of her lover.

He came hard, squirting into the mist of the shower, his milky release going down the drain with it. He had roared Willow's name when he climaxed loudly. Now that he was conscious of reality he hoped that the sound of the pounding water had been sufficient to drown it out from the people still downstairs.

Spike turned over the bottle of Jack Daniels letting the last of the amber liquid spill out into his glass. He raised it like he was giving a toast to a non-existent crowd.

"Here's to first loves." he slurred bitterly to the vacate crypt.

He knocked back the whiskey hoping it would do its job and wipe out the visions in his mind about what was going on between the Slayer he loved and that prick sire of his right now. He was probably touching her right now, getting to hold her in his arms, snogging her.

Spike let out a growl, for the unlife of him he couldn't understand why someone as truly unique and amazing as Buffy would be so infatuated with the likes of that bastard. He always had the same thought about Dru. Both of them were do good for that big Frankenstein looking wanker. No matter what he did, tortured you till you lost your bloody marbles, tried to kill you and all your friends, those women always welcomed him back like nothing ever happened.

Even his abandoning Buffy the way he did just because he couldn't take the being around her and not being able to be with her, still when he called the Slayer went running.

'Don't see me runnin off with my tail between my legs just because it tortures me to be around Buffy and know I can't have her. I could piss off just the same, but I don't. I stay and tough it out. Why? Because I know she needs me. Not that she bloody appreciates any of it. I'm just her bloody doormat, the thing she wipes her feet on but never acknowledges the fact that it kept her from trackin' all that mud into her nice clean floors.'

He grabbed for the whiskey bottle and tipped it to his lips, baffled when none came out. He looked at the bottle and wondered what its malfunction was.

'Oh, its empty.'

"Bloody wonderful." He muttered.

"Who're you talking to?"

"Buffy." He was surprised and surprised that he was surprised, usually he would have been able to sense her arrival, but he supposed he was more pissed than he realised. "Bloody hell are you doin' here?" He asked resuming his usual acerbic manner. "Aren't you supposed to be off havin' your big reunion with your one and only true love? How's Tall, dark and forehead these days, still brooding? Or did you two go and make with the nasty and has he turned all ravin' maniac again?"

Actually, as much as he hated the idea of Angel touching Buffy he kind of hoped Angelus was back, that would give him a free pass to be able to kick the great poof's ass without any repercussions from the Slayer. Although chances were she'd probably slap him around for it anyway.

Buffy stood just staring at him, her arms crossed over her chest her head moving slowly back and forth.

'Why the hell did I come here?' She asked herself. 'Why the hell was it that the first thing I wanted to do when I got back to come here and see Spike? What the hell is wrong with me?'

"I just stopped by to see if you would be up for a patrol." She lied. "But obviously you're in no condition for combat."

"Pfft." Spike wave his hand dismissing her comment. "I'm in perfect fighting condition. Come on Slayer let's go." He slid off of the sarcophagus he was sitting on. "Bring on the badies." He declared, took one step and fell flat on his face.

Buffy rolled her eyes. This was the one person in all the world that didn't make her feel like a freak. This was the person that made her feel normal. God, she's even more messed up than she thought.

She sighed and walked over to check if he was conscious. He wasn't. She hauled him up by the shoulders and dragged him down to his bed.

Willow was doing some nocturnal surfing in the dining room when the front door opened. She immediately got to her feet and went around to see who the intruder was. She was surprised to see the blond that had just left earlier that day.

"Buffy?" She questioned. "You're back already?" Yeah you and Angel didn't get a hotel room or something? A very nasty, very small part of her brain added. She told it to be quiet.

Buffy shrugged. "We both have places where we're needed so... So how has everything been?" She asked changing the subject. "There wasn't anymore damage down to the house while I was gone I hope?" Buffy had been joking, but when she saw the look on Willow's face her humour vanished. "Oh, crap, what happened? I was only gone for a few hours."

"I broke a plate." Willow confessed.

Buffy blinked. "A plate? That's it?"

Willow nodded.

Buffy sighed. "Jeesh, you had me scared there. I think one dish is a casualty I can afford. No one was harmed I hope."

Willow held up her bandaged hand.

Again Buffy's wit faltered. "Are you okay?"

Willow nodded. "The wound's superficial. I'll live."

"Well, that's a relief." Buffy shrugged off her jacket and headed toward the kitchen, Willow followed. She stood in the entryway shifting from foot to foot while Buffy got a bottle of water from the fridge.

"So," Willow eventually ventured, trying to sound casual. "How was it? You know, with Angel, how did it go?"

"Fine." Buffy blandly replied. "It went fine." She shrugged. "It was a little weird I guess, but..."

"But what?" Willow prodded.

"Um, nothing." Buffy screwed the lid back on her water bottle and put it back in the fridge.

"Buffy are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She assured. "I'm just tired you know. Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Sure." Said Willow.

"Great, thanks. Night." She bade and headed for the stairs.

"Night." Willow returned. 'So much for Angel being able to fix her.'

"Oh, poor, baby." Tara cooed taking Willow's bandaged hand and kissing it. "Does it hurt?"

Willow smiled at the woman lying next to her in bed. "Not so much anymore."

"Are you sure Xander was right about it not needing stitches? Maybe you should have had it looked at just in case."

Willow raised Tara's hand to her lips and kissed it like she had hers. "It's fine. I'm sure. And hey I'll just do a little healing spell tomorrow and make it good as new. I would have gone ahead and done it tonight, but I was wiped."

Something clouded in Tara's eyes that Willow couldn't quite decipher and she rolled onto her back away from Willow and dropped her hand.

Willow felt a bad sinking feeling in her gut.

"A-are you s-sure you need to use m-magic?" Tara asked "I mean i-if it really is just a minor cut it'll just heal up itself in a couple days. Why do you have to resort to magic?"

"Well, I suppose I don't HAVE to." Willow replied. "But it is sore and it'll make doing everyday stuff kind of awkward, maybe if it was my left, but I need my hand and it's just a simple healing spell, no big."

"But it is!" Tara's raised voice startled Willow. Tara wasn't the type to yell. "I-I'm sorry." she continued in a quiet tone. "It's just that using magic is never a small thing. It's serious and not meant to be taken lightly and for every little thing."

"I don't take magic lightly." Willow defended.

"Y-yes you do." Tara asserted. "Sometimes you do. And I know you have amazing power and it comes easy to you, but just because you can, doesn't mean you always should."

Willow's brow was crinkled in confusion, she couldn't understand where all this was coming from.

"Tara-"

Tara squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. "Look it's really late. I-I shouldn't have brought this up right now, can we just get some sleep and forget it." She rolled on her side, showing Willow her back.

Willow nodded her head slowly, though Tara couldn't see the gesture.

"Yeah sure," She numbly agreed. "Forget it."


	9. Screaming infidelities

**Title: Shattered**

**Author: Andy**

**Summary: After Buffy's funeral Willow and Angel turn to each other in their grief. One night changes everything.**

**Chapter 9/?**

**Chapter title: Screaming infidelities**

**Word count:3095**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to Buffy the vampire slayer.**

**Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated.**

Angel was sitting at his desk sketching out the scene of Willow and Tara and himself he had fantasied about when a knock sounded on his door.

"What?" He barked, he hated being interrupted when he was working.

The door swung open and Cordelia strode in. Angel quickly shut his sketch pad and tossed it in a desk drawer and slammed it closed. He got to his feet.

"I said 'what', not come in." he reiterated through gritted teeth.

"Oh, I must not of heard you right." Said Cordelia. "Oh well, since I'm already here we may as well have a little talk."

Angel let out an exasperated sigh. "A talk about what?"

"About you and why you've been acting like you're vying for the crown of mope king of Los Angeles." She folded her arms over her chest. "It's been two weeks since you found out that the love of your life was miraculously resurrected from the great beyond, so why are you still walking around like your puppy just got hit by a dump truck?"

"I don't want to talk about this Cordelia." He shot down.

"Well, tough 'cause we're gonna talk about it." She replied. "Okay at first Wesley just told us that you were still dealing with the shock of it all. And yeah okay I could understand that, but the time has come that you need to shake it off. Enough is enough Angel. It's time for you to get back to your regularly scheduled life, or afterlife, whatever."

Angel was not in the mood for this, what was it supposed to be anyway? A pep talk, an intervention?

Whatever it was Cordelia was right about one thing, it was enough.

He pushed himself off the desk and stepped toward her.

"Let me ask you a question Cordy, Have I been doing the work around here, accepting the jobs from the clients you and Wes have been signing?"

"Yes, you have." She acknowledged. "But, I'm not just talking about work Angel-"

Angel put up a hand to shut her up and was surprised when it actually worked. "Then what's the problem? I'm doing my job, the rest of it is none of your damn business." With that he shoved passed her, grabbed his jacket and keys and stormed out of the hotel.

...

Willow clicked off the bathroom light after having just finished her nightly routine, she breezed into her and Tara's bedroom ready to crawl in and cuddle up next to her girl.

She was startled when instead of finding her lying down in bed in her nighty, Tara was perched fully dressed on the edge of the bed an over night bag placed next to her feet.

"Tara?" Willow questioned, confused. "W-what's going on?"

"You know I really thought that it would work, or maybe I was just hoping." Tara said quietly.

Willow gestured further into the room.

"What are you talking about? What's wrong?" She asked feeling panic beginning to rise in her. She licked her lips nervously. "Is this because of our fight about the magic? Because I did that forget spell on you? Tara I told you I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, baby. I told you I'm won't do any magic for a week it hasn't even been two days. But I haven't done any magic I swear."

"That's good." Tara acknowledged. "I hope you keep it up. But that's not what this is about."

Willow felt slightly stupefied. "Then what? I don't understand."

"I thought that once Buffy was back things would get better" Tara went on "I thought that her death was the thing that had caused the change, but that wasn't it, was it?"

Willow shook her head slowly. "Tara, I don't..."

"I thought that you were so consumed by your grief for Buffy and that's was what was causing you to be so distant. But she's been back for weeks now, but you're still gone."

"I don't understand." Willow said, and she really didn't. "What distance is there I mean you and I have..." She gestured toward the bed indicating their love making, which had been occurring on a regular basis.

"It's not the ph-physical distance, I'm talking about." Tara elaborated. "It's not that you don't touch me. It's the way you t-touch me, it's, it's different." She declared. "And I know why, I've been touched that way before."

Tara's eyes had been cast down the entire time she had been speaking, but now she raised them to meet Willow's.

Someone had put a vise around Willow's heart and squeezed it when she saw the sheen of tears in Tara's big blue eyes.

'_Oh, Goddess.'_

She fought back her own tears.

"T-Tara," She implored.

"Just please don't try to deny it." Tara begged. "Because the only thing that could make this worse right now is if you tried to lie about it."

Willow rushed over to Tara and crouched down in front of her taking her hands in hers.

"Tara, baby, I'm so sorry." Willow sobbed. "I made a mistake. A horrible, unforgivable mistake and you have no idea how much I regret it. I wish I could take it back more than anything, please believe me. I love you. I love you so much. You're the one I want. The only one I want. Not him."

"H-him?" Tara's voice was small.

'_Oh no.'_

The vise pulled tighter. How could her heart take it? How could it not burst?

She knew that she couldn't have hurt Tara worse than to have cheated on her with a man. She knew how insecure and worried the girl had been that Willow would one day make the jump back over to boystown. And now Willow had made her love's worst fear come true.

"Oh, Tara, I'm so sorry."

Tara pulled her hands away and stood up.

"I-I have to go." She declared, backing away.

Willow lurched toward her. Tara put up her hand to ward her off.

"No, don't. I can't." Then she spun around and dashed out of the room.

"Tara!" Willow cried out.

Tara didn't answer, she was gone.

Willow crumpled to her knees and cried.

.*********************************

Willow was sitting in the kitchen, alone, in the dark. There was a cup of tea in front of her long since cold and untasted, the latter was probably a good thing since it was probably brackish from all the tears that had dropped into it.

She had been sitting there for a long time, her butt was numb from sitting, but she didn't notice because so was the rest of her. She couldn't go back upstairs, back into the bedroom. She couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in her and Tara's bed alone.

It was ironic, just a few weeks ago she had gone out of her way to avoid that bed because Tara was in it, and now that she wasn't...

Everything was a mess. It seemed an even bigger mess than it had been before she had brought Buffy back. Having Buffy back was supposed to fix everything.

Every time Willow tried to fix something, she just made it worse, she was a disaster. It was like pulling at a frayed thread of a sweater, if you could just get rid of that one imperfection it would look good as new again. But instead of just coming off the whole thing unravels until you're left with nothing but a tangled mess of yarn.

That was Willow's life right now.

She was so consumed by her sorrow she wasn' t even aware of the door opening and Buffy walking in.

"Willow?" Buffy was surprised to see her friend sitting at the kitchen counter when she walked in the door. It was nearly 3:00 am she should have been in bed hours ago.

"Buffy?" Willow returned her voice devoid of anything. "I didn't realise you weren't already home."

"Yeah, um," Buffy fumbled for an explanation." I know, it was one of those nights, as soon as I thought I had the vamps taken care of they just kept springing up again. Damn things." She couldn't say that it had only been one vamp that kept springing up, Spike.

Willow nodded absently.

"So why are you still up?"

"I-I just couldn't sleep." She answered. Buffy just then noticed the strangeness in her voice.

Buffy crossed over to the counter and sat down beside her.

"Will, what's wrong?"

Willow shook her head.

Buffy reached out and squeezed her hand."Willow, come on, tell me what is?"

Willow swallowed that damn lump and sniffed. "Tara's gone." She whispered.

"Gone?" Buffy questioned.

"She left me."

"Oh Willow, I'm sorry." She gave her hand another squeeze. "What happened? Did you have another fight about magic?"

Willow's head shook.

"Well, what happened? Whatever it is I'm sure the two of you will work it out, you were made for each other."

"No," Willow blurted. "We won't. We can't work it out. I did something horrible and she'll never forgive me." The tears that Willow assumed had dried up by now started flowing again.

"Will, I'm sure that whatever it is it isn't as bad as you think it is."

"It is." She said quietly. "It's worse. Buffy I-I was with someone...else. I cheated on Tara."

Willow slowly looked up at her friends shocked face.

"Oh." Buffy quietly remarked once her brain was able to make words again. "Oh." She repeated. "W-when, I'm mean how, who did-" She shut her mouth and tried to get a better grip on what she should say.

"Are you in love with this other person?" She finally asked trying desperately to not sound judgy. She was the last person who should be judging anyone about their love/sex lives.

"No!" Willow adamantly answered without a thought. "O-of course not. I do not love him. It was a one time thing and a huge mistake and I want nothing more than to just be able to take it back." her voice was becoming more choked with tear with every syllable.

"Okay, okay." Buffy soothed. The fact that Willow had said him was not lost on the Slayer, but seeing how upset her friend was she didn't feel it was the most prudent time to press that issue. "It's okay." She put her arm around her friend. "It's gonna be okay. People make mistakes, maybe Tara will eventually come around, be able to forgive you."

"No. She won't." Willow voice was stone cold sure about that. "She shouldn't."

Willow wasn't even sure she wanted her to. As much as pain as it was causing her to lose Tara, she couldn't help feel a sort of relief from finally being found out. And receiving the punishment she deserved. There was a part of her that was glad the secret was out. Well, part of it anyway.

But Tara hadn't been the only woman Willow loved who she had betrayed. The other was holding her right now trying to console her, being her friend. She definitely wouldn't be if she knew the whole truth.

Willow's stomach went into a free fall just thinking about that. Buffy was her best friend and she would lose her to if she ever found out that Angel was the one Willow cheated with.

Willow's fingers dug into Buffy's arms, a subconscious gesture, trying to hold onto her.

"I'm sorry." She sobbed. "Oh Goddess, Buffy, I am so sorry. Forgive me please, please forgive me."

"Shh, Will, it's okay." Buffy cooed, stroking the friend's hair, squeezing her tighter. "It's going to be okay."

If only that were true.

...

Willow woke up feeling icky all over. She had spent the night on the couch unable to face the empty bedroom. Her head ached. Her stomach ached. But nothing ached like her heart.

As soon as she opened her eyes tears sprang in them. The vision of Tara's watery, blue eyes the night before when she found out Willow had slept with someone else. A man.

She clamped her eyes shut trying to block the image, but it only came though even clearer now without any other visual distraction.

The smells of a breakfast being made wafted into the living room sending a wave of nausea over her. She sat up, the motion doing nothing for her upset belly. She waited a moment for the worst of it to pass before getting to her feet and heading for the {thankfully empty) bathroom.

When she got there, she took one look at her reflection in the mirror— her sickly pale reflection, blood shot eyes— and threw up.

"Ouch!" Spike hollered as Buffy swatted his hand with a spatula as he was reaching for a slice of bacon. "What kind of way is that to treat a guest?"

"Just fine." Buffy replied. "Seeing as you are an uninvited guest. Those are for Willow."

Spike snorted. "Doubt she'll eat it all." _Or any of it. _He added silently. His vampire hearing was well in tuned to the sick sounds coming from upstairs. "Just let me have one."

"No." Buffy refused.

"But I'm hungry." Spike whined.

"Then why don't you take your blanket and go get something somewhere else." She suggested tartly. "You shouldn't be here. Coming by like this in the daytime. It's suspicious."

"So? Who cares?"

"I do." Buffy asserted. "I care. I don't want anyone finding out anything."

Spike rolled his eyes. "So what's with this spread for Willow anyway?" He redirected.

"It's a comfort breakfast." Buffy elaborated. "Willow's hurting because Tara left last night."

"Right." Spike remarked. "And the reason she left was because Red stepped out on her, so the way I see it, isn't it Glenda that deserves the cheering up?"

Buffy smacked him with the spatula again, this time across the chest. "Hey!" She hissed. "Don't you dare go around repeating that do you hear me? God, I don't what I was thinking telling you in the first place. Why on earth I confide in you is beyond me."

"Right, because sharing intimate details is something that couples do."

"We are not a couple." Buffy asserted fiercely.

"Well, we sure as hell do a lot of things couples do to not be a couple." he remarked slyly, creeping slowly toward Buffy.

She held up the spatula like a weapon ready to strike. "Don't." She warned. "Stay right where you are."

Instead of being cowed by her cautioning him, Spike just smiled and slunk closer still, until he was right up against her, he put his hands on her hips.

"No." Buffy feebly asserted. "Not here. Not now."

"Morning." Willow's voice came from the entryway.

"Will!" Buffy chirped and shoved Spike back.

"Hey guys." Willow said her brow squinched looking from one blond to the other. "I thought I heard voices in here. I was expecting you and Dawn."

"Dawn stayed over at Janice's last night, remember?" Buffy enlightened.

Willow eyes narrowed trying to think. "Oh right. I guess it slipped my mind."

"That's understandable." Buffy empathetically remarked.

"So, Spike." She ventured. "What brings you by so bright and early?" She asked putting an emphasis on the bright.

"Oh, um" He fumbled. "Well, I couldn't find me lighter." He said. "Thought I might of left it here."

Willow nodded numbly. She hadn't really been paying all that much attention to his excuse. "Oh."

"So how did you sleep?" Buffy asked concerned.

"Fine, I guess." She answered. "You know, considering..." She grabbed herself a glass and poured some juice. "So what's all this?" She asked gesturing to the smorgasbord laid out.

"It's for you." Buffy informed. "I thought you could use a comfort food breakfast, there are pancakes and bacon, all your favorites."

Willow fought a wince at that never ending pain in her chest. Here Buffy was making her breakfast trying to cheer Willow up and she had slept with the love of her life.

"Thanks, Buffy, that's really sweet of you." She said, feeling like she was going to cry.

Apparently this did not go unnoticed. "Gee, Will is not that big of a deal." Buffy replied. "All I did was follow the directions on the pancake mix box."

Willow shook her head. "No, it's an amazing gesture." She argued. "But I'm just really not that hungry."

"I figured you might say that." Buffy said. "And I understand. I know you're in pain, but you have to take care of yourself."

Willow gave her a weak smile. "I appreciate your concern Buffy, but honestly I'm just not feeling that well this morning. I think I might be coming down with something. I don't think I could eat a thing. I'm sorry you went to all this trouble for nothing."

"Ah, don't worry about it." Buffy dismissed.

Willow set down her glass and declared. "I'm going to go shower. I have a class in about an hour."

"Okay." Buffy said. "Feel better."

"Thanks."

"So," Spike ventured once Willow was gone. "Does this mean I can have some bacon now?"

Buffy glared at him and huffed away.

He stared after her nonplused,"What?"

...

Angel hadn't planned on coming here. In fact he had had no destination in mind at all when he got into his car and rocketed away from the Hyperion and Cordelia's constant needling about when he was going to snap the hell out of it.

All he had been wanting to do was drive. There were few pleasures Angel could enjoy on this earth without dire consequences or that end without blood shed. And one of them was cruising along the streets at night with the top down. There was nothing like it to clear away the cobwebs from a person's mind.

Angel loved to drive. Out of all the inventions that he had been witness to in his two hundred and some odd years the best— for his money at any rate— would have to be the motor vehicle.

He let the night air envelope him, it combed its fingers through his hair and kissed his skin. He drank it in. He just drove in no direction in particular, just turned the wheel when it felt right and kept going strait when it didn't, and before he even realised the path that he had taken he was passing by the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign.


	10. Angels hung around

**Title: Shattered**

**Author: Andy**

**Summary: After Buffy's funeral Willow and Angel turn to each other in their grief. One night changes everything.**

**Chapter 10/?**

**Chapter title: Angels hung around**

**Word count:2728**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to Buffy the vampire slayer.**

**Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated.**

Taking late night strolls wasn't exactly the safest of hobbies, that would be true virtually everywhere, but in Sunnydale the activity held more than your average potential for danger. What with being on top of a Hellmouth and a hotbed for demon activity. And if anyone should be glaringly aware of these dangers it was someone who had devoted the last few years of her life aiding in the fight against those said demons.

But, still Willow was out on her own walking the streets after dark heedless of the monsters that might be lurking behind every corner. She was sure enough in her magic abilities that she knew she could likely take on any threat that presented itself. And right now the prospect of having to fight a demon out here than facing the questioning eyes of Buffy and Dawn back at the Summers' residence. Neither one of them had out and out asked Willow about the person she had committed the infidelity with. Buffy was being sensitive, not wanting to press her for details too soon. Dawn didn't know the gory details about why Tara left, she just knew that it was Willow's fault, so the teenager was barely speaking to the witch right now and seemingly avoiding her whenever possible.

But Willow knew that sooner or later curiosity was going to get the better of Buffy and she want to know who Willow had slept with. She was afraid of what might happen when the question was asked. She was afraid she might not be able to stop herself from blurting out the truth. She had felt on the verge of doing just that over the last few days.

Every time Buffy would do something nice to try and comfort her, like the breakfast she made her the other day. Or when she would ask her if she needed to talk or anything. When she would give her a hug. Willow would imagine herself screaming that she didn't deserve her kindness, because she had done the unforgivable. She had slept with Angel.

So she had spent a lot of time avoiding the Slayer and her sister. She couldn't take the risk she might not be able to hold it in. Then her world would be an even bigger mess than it was now.

And right now it was a disaster.

Willow hadn't been paying much attention to the path her feet had been taking and just happened to look up after some time and realised that she had traveled a lot further than she imagined. She was all the way on Crawford Street. Only a small distance away from the mansion.

She paused and took in the haunting edifice looming just ahead of her.

'_The scene of the crime.'_ she thought sardonically. And just like criminals do, she kept walking forward and returned to where the act had taken place.

Angel had spent the day at the mansion. His first instinct had been to just turn the car around once he realised where he was, but the idea of going back to the hotel and facing the interrogating from his "friends" was just too daunting at the time. He figured he could use a break from the acting okay, which apparently he hadn't been doing a very good job of anyway.

When sundown came around he was still in no big hurry to head back, so he swung by Willie's and got some blood, more than enough to hold him up until he got back to L.A. He had gotten at least three days worth. He hadn't acknowledged it yet, but it seemed his subconscious was anticipating an extended stay.

As soon as Angel walked into the mansion he sensed her. He froze for a moment, he wasn't sure if this was real or just some wishful thinking. He closed his eyes and took in a deep pull of the air through his nostrils. There was no mistaking it then, Willow was there.

He dropped the bag of blood instantly and made toward the scent. He found her in the foyer, she was staring into the fireplace as if transfixed by the non-existent flames.

A troubling picture of Drusilla flashed through his mind just then. She used to stare at things that weren't there all the time. Because he had drove her insane. For a terrifying second he wondered if he had played a part in yet another innocent girl losing touch with reality.

"Willow?" He ventured hesitantly.

She whipped around startled.

"Sorry." He told her, "I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

The tension drained from Willow's shoulders, slumping them. "Angel," She murmured, with dull curiosity, "what're you doing here?"

She may not seemed thrilled to see him, but at least she wasn't screaming at him to go away. So that was something.

"I'm not sure really," Angel answered honestly, "I just sort of ended up here."

A small laugh dry escaped Willow's mouth, "Me too." She said. "What are the odds?"

Angel could tell that the girl was in distress over something. "What happened?" He ventured.

Willow tugged her arms tightly around her. She was looking down at the floor. When she raised her eyes to Angel he could see the sheen of tears in them, it made his heart ache. "She knows." she said quietly.

Angel immediately thought, Buffy. That the Slayer had somehow found out about them. He was at once terrified and exhilarated at the prospect.

"Tara," Willow elaborated, Angel didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed. He wanted Buffy to know, but at the same time he didn't. "Not everything," Willow went on, "not about you, but she knows that I cheated. She left me."

A thrill shot through Angel at this news and he was ashamed of himself, but, he couldn't help it. The idea of Willow not being attached to someone else anymore excited him. He was careful not to show his delight though.

"How did she found out?" He prodded gently.

Willow sniffed and let out a sigh, "She said that she could feel it." She told him. "She said that she could feel it in the way that I touched her, said that she'd been touched that way before and knew what it meant. When she confronted me I couldn't deny it."

"I'm sorry." He said in an appropriately compassionate tone. "Are you sure that there isn't a chance that you'll work things out?" Again he tried not to show his eagerness for her to answer to be no.

"No." Willow answered with certainty, "Even if she could forgive me, it would be wrong for us to get back together, she deserves better than me. Tara's the most amazing and loving, wonderful girl in the world and she deserves to be with someone who will worships her the way she should be worshiped. Someone who will know how lucky they are to be able to touch someone like her and will only be thinking about her and that's not me, not anymore."

"I'm sorry, Willow." Angel said again, with all sincerity this time. He hated that Willow was in any kind of pain and knowing that he had been a major contributing factor in it only made it that much worse.

Willow's next words took him completely by surprise.

"It's not your fault." She admitted, "I know how I acted when you tried to talk to me. I treated you awfully and it was wrong. I was angry with myself for letting it happen and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Angel averred. "You had every right to be angry at me. I shouldn't have let things get out of hand the way they did. It was my fault."

"We were both there Angel." Willow countered. "We both played are part. You know what they say, it takes two and that..." She cut her words short with a shrug. .

"So," Angel ventured, "you don't hate me for what happened?"

Willow laughed a little, Angel was confused about what was funny, "No," she said, "I don't hate you. I wanted to hate you. I tried to hate you. But, I don't. I can't."

"So how do you feel about me?" He hazarded, feeling that his entire unlife rested on her answer.

She looked up at him with impenetrable eyes and said, "I wish I knew."

Angel took a moment to let those word sink in; _I wish I knew_. Hardly a declaration of undying love–but would he have wanted that? Did he love Willow? He thought about her every waking–and none waking–moment. He wanted her, desired her, that was for sure, but love?

"So," She ventured into Angel's contemplative silence. "What about you? How do you feel, a-about me, that is?"

"I'm..." Angel ventured, trying to find the right word, "confused." He settled, it was hardly a lie.

"Confused." Willow repeated, slowly. She nodded "Yeah, that's sounds about right."

"And conflicted." Angel added.

"Yep." Willow seconded. "Got that one too."

A small smirk appeared briefly on Angel's lips.

"It's just hard to grasp that after just once, my emotions could be turned upside down the way they are." He went on. "I'm mean at first I thought it was because of the circumstances, that that night it happened everything was just so emotionally charged. I thought that I was maybe transferring my pain over Buffy onto you, but now that she's back... now that I've actually seen her..." He trailed off his head shaking as he tried to wrap his brain around it.

"How was it?" Willow ventured after a moment. "When you saw Buffy."

"It was...different." He edified. "It wasn't like when we saw each other the times before. Before when I saw her after an absence it was like no time had passed at all, I felt the same about her as I always did, but this last time. Well, it was different. Something's changed between us and I don't think it's just on my end"

"Buffy 's been acting different with everyone since she got back." Willow offered. "She hasn't been herself. How could she be? She was in hell after all, you know? I mean _you_ should know."

"Yeah." Angel acknowledged with a wince. "I do know. But my feelings for Buffy, if anything, were only stronger after being in hell. It was holding on to her love that was the only thing that kept me from giving up completely. And it was that love that saved me after I returned."

Willow's brow furrowed as she thought about Angel's words.

"Well," She ventured. "I'm mean everyone copes in different ways, that doesn't mean that Buffy's feelings for you have changed."

Angel sighed. "I don't know," he said. "I guess it could have been me. I was feeling strangely being with her and maybe I projected that onto Buffy as well. Either way whether it was both of us or just me, things have changed and it will never be the same for me and Buffy."

"Yeah," Willow said quietly, feeling the ache of tears building in her throat as she thought of Tara again. "I know what you mean."

Willow had stayed for quite awhile after that, the two of them talked about what they how they had been struggling after what happened. It had been a good talk. And it would have gone on longer, but when Willow started yawning in between every other word Angel insisted that she should go home and get some. He also suggested that he walk her, but she wouldn't let him. It was too risky, she didn't want to take the chance of Buffy seeing him. Angel reluctantly conceded her point about that, but still argued he could take her at least part of the way. Willow gave in and when they parted ways Angel had the urge to kiss her good night. But in the interest of not pushing her too far too soon, he settled for a hug. He was still rather surprised when she didn't back away, but embraced him in return.

For the first time in what seemed like forever Angel was truly in high spirits. As he made his way to his old bedroom he knew that he would have the same dreams he had wished would get out of his head for the past weeks, but this time they would be welcome ones. He was just shucking his shirt and getting ready to climb in between the sheets when a thought struck him, it had been nearly two days since he had stormed out of the Hyperion after his tiff with Cordelia.

He dug his cell out of his pocket and turned it on to see several messages from the Hyperion's land line number and Cordelia's personal phone. Instead of listening to them he just punched in the number and called back.

"Angel Investigations" Cordelia's voice came on a moment later.

"Cordy, it's me."

"Angel!" She cried.

"Yeah." He confirmed. "I saw you left me a lot of messages, is anything wrong? Did you have a vision?"

"Oh I had a vision all right." Cordelia huffed. "I had a very vivid vision of my foot connecting with your ass!"

Angel blinked, nonplused. "I- what?"

"What the hell is wrong with you just disappearing like that and not answering your phone?" She demanded. "For all we knew you were lying dusted in a ditch somewhere."

"Sorry," Angel replied, cowed. "I, um guess I wasn't thinking."

"Ya think?"

"Cordelia, I said I was sorry." He said, his tone sharper now. "I just needed some time to myself to figure some things out. That's all."

Cordelia sighed, defeated. "All right fine, I understand. Next time just answer your damn phone will you?"

"I promise."

"So," Cordelia ventured. "Just where the hell are you anyway?"

"Funny, that you mention hell." Angel said. "I'm in Sunnydale."

Willow was surprised about how her encounter with Angel had gone. She had expected that being around him would be unbearable, that the proximity would bring her guilt all that closer to the surface. But it hadn't been that way at all. In fact it was the first time in a long time where she felt like she could breath. She had no dark secret to keep with him. He was the dark secret.

It was good finally being able to talk to someone who understood what it was like living with this hidden shame. It didn't exactly make her feel better knowing that not being able to tell anyone what was going on with him had caused a bit of a rift with his friends in L.A., but it was a relief that having him understand about the distance it had created with the people she cared about.

It was strange, because what happened between her and Angel was the thing that had led to the unraveling in her life, it was the reason she lost Tara, but after talking to him she felt better now than she had in a long time.

Morning was just around the corner as she let herself into the Summers home. She climbed the stairs carefully, not wanting to wake Buffy, Dawn was staying over at Janice's. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Willow supposed it was because of her, Dawn was still mad at her for Tara leaving.

She was surprised to see Buffy's room empty when she got to the top of the stairs. She usually was home from patrol by now.

'_Maybe she had to take another one of those awful double shifts at the double meat palace.'_ She supposed.

Willow didn't think it was fair Buffy having to do her Slayer duties and work at that grease pit. She had tried to help out with the bills as much as she could. Her parents gave her a bit of money every month, but hardly enough to cover the mortgage on the Summer's house and all the other expenses.

Willow was too tired right now to worry too much over the everyday life problems. She went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and changed into her PJ's. Then she climbed into bed and slept more soundly than she had in weeks, not even notice Tara's absence beside her.


	11. Grave surprise

Willow moaned as she reluctantly swam up from sleep; she had to pee otherwise she would stay in bed. She was exhausted. She squinted her eyes open; it was almost 3:00 when she got back from the mansion and full dark. Now the sky was lightened somewhat, but the sun was full up yet. She figured she must have only been sleeping for a couple of hours. She glanced at her alarm clock; 5:44.

She pushed back the covers and stumbled out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. She would have went strait back to bed, but a rumbling in her stomach protested; she was hungry. A fact that surprised her, she hadn't felt hungry in a while. Lately for her eating had become like a chore; something not enjoyable, but necessary. But for the first time she actually found herself craving something; pancakes, she wanted pancakes.

She was surprised to hear the sound of the television on as she made her way downstairs, and again taken aback to see Dawn– fully dressed– sitting on the sofa.

"Dawnie," she ventured, "what're you doing up so early?"

Dawn looked at her like she was nuts. "It's almost six."

"Yeah." Willow said, "Last I checked, for a teen, anything before noon was considered early." She joked.

Dawn was still looking at her strangely. Willow was beginning to wonder if she had sprouted and extra head or something.

"Willow," Dawn said slowly, "it's almost six p.m., not a.m."

Willow's face scrunched. She thought Dawn was kidding for a moment, but the dead serious look on the girl's face told her otherwise. She looked out the window and saw that it was in fact a fraction darker out now than it had been when she was upstairs. "That means I've been sleeping for over twelve hours." she murmured. _'No wonder I had to pee so bad.'_

"I guess." Dawn commented. Her eyes had gone back to the T.V. screen. "Buffy said you weren't feeling well the other day." She ventured, trying to sound indifferent, but there was a slight note of concern in her voice.

"Uh, yeah." Willow confirmed, still shaken by how long she'd been out; she sure as hell didn't feel like she had gotten so much rest. "I was feeling a bit icky the other day, but I figured it was just..." She was going to say because of Tara, but being as it was Tara's leaving that had caused the rift between her and the youngest Summers in the first place, it probably wasn't a good idea to bring her up. "Just nothing."

"Yeah. Well maybe you should see a doctor." Dawn suggested, still fighting to keep up her 'who cares?' attitude.

"Ah, I'm sure I'm fine." Willow dismissed. "It was probably just all the sleep I've been missing catching up with me."

"But it might not be." Dawn lost the battle to keep emotion out of her voice. "People think there fine all the time when there not. They just ignore the problem and hope it'll go away never doing anything until it gets worse and then it's too late."

Willow felt tears sting in her eyes; she knew that Dawn spoke from experience. It broke her heart knowing how much the young girl had been through, and in such a short time; her mother dying, then Buffy just weeks later. Even though, Buffy was back now, it was clear that the younger Summers was still struggling. And now with Tara– who had taken on the role as a surrogate mother of sorts for the teen– moving out. Willow wanted to do anything she could to help, even a little, to ease the girl's worry.

"You know maybe you're right." She told Dawn. "How about if I don't feel better in a couple of days I make an appointment with the doctor."

Dawn shrugged, impassively. "Sure. Whatever you think is necessary."

Even though Dawn's wall was back in place, Willow couldn't help but smile at the tiny crack she'd seen in it. There was hope to repair her relationship with Dawnie after all.

"So, Dawnie," she ventured, "I'm feeling kinda hungry from the marathon napping; I was gonna make some pancakes, ya want?" It was common knowledge that pancakes for dinner was Dawn's favourite.

"Well I was going to order a pizza," Dawn informed, "but, I guess since you're making pancakes..."

Angel groaned irritably as the shrilling of his cell phone ripped him out of a particularly good dream he was having about Willow. He hated his cell phone. It was one of the advancements in technology he could do without, but Cordelia insisted he have one for business purposes. But as far as Angel was concerned they seemed more of a hindrance than help.

He scooped up his pants off the floor and dug the thing out of his pocket. His lips pulled back in a smile when he saw the readout; Willow calling. Okay, so maybe cell phones weren't so bad after all. He flipped the phone open and put it to his ear.

"Willow."

"Angel," she returned, "hey, it's Willow. Er, but you already knew that didn't you, being as you just said my name and all, so never mind, just um, hi."

Angel smiled at the Willowness. "Hello, Willow." He replied. "So what can I do for you?"

"Um," Angel could hear the woman's apprehension in that one syllable.

"Is something wrong?"

"Wrong, no. Nothing's wrong." She assured. "It's just, well, I just wanted to call and tell you that, well I know we sort of had plans for me to come by the mansion at sundown, but..."

"You're not coming." Angel conjectured, disappointment evident in his voice.

"Well, no, it's not that I'm definitely not coming." Willow elaborated. "I just might not be able to get there until late. Buffy just called' she had to take and extra shift at the Double Meat palace, then she has to patrol. So I'm gonna stick around and hang with Dawn."

"I thought things weren't going well between you and Dawn." he ventured. "Didn't you say she's been going out of her way to avoid you?"

"Yeah. She has. But we had a nice time today. She doesn't seem to be quite as much with the seething hatred of me. I want to enjoy the change while it last; she's a teenager, you never know she might despise me again tomorrow.

How many times had Buffy had to cancel plans for the same reason Willow was canceling theirs now; to take care of Dawn. He knew he was being unfair– it wasn't Dawn's fault, she was just a kid– but he couldn't help harbouring a tinge of resentment toward the young girl. He didn't feel too guilty about it though; he knew that Dawn had never cared much for him anyway– he knew about that little nickname she had for him. And he'd never seen her as anything more than a spoiled brat. A brat who always seemed to be standing in the way of him and the woman he wanted to be with.

"I understand." He said, the same thing he used to say to Buffy. "I'll see you some other time."

"I still may come by tonight." Willow told him. "It just might be really late. And if I don't make it tonight, I'll be there tomorrow for sure."

"Don't worry about it Willow." Angel said in his(fake)understanding tone "It's okay. I'd like to see you now, but I can wait. It's no problem."

"Thanks, Angel." Willow said, the relief obvious in her voice. "I'm glad you understand. I'll see you later."

"Okay." Angel replied. "Bye, Willow."

"Later, Angel."

Angel snapped his phone shut and flung it aside.

Damn cell phones; they only ever bring bad news.

Angel was bored just hanging around the mansion now that he knew that Willow wasn't likely to show, he was also frustrated. And the best thing– well, second best– for dealing with frustration was fighting. And in Sunnydale a good fight was never hard to find. So he headed for one of the Hellmouth's many cemeteries.

He wasn't even there five minutes before he heard the sounds of fighting. Instinctively he ran toward the sound, but slowed when he caught Buffy's scent. He really wasn't ready to let his presence be known to her just yet. He wasn't sure he wanted her knowing he was here at all. But he couldn't just turn around and ignore if she was in trouble; from the sounds of things, she was really struggling. He kept moving forward, deciding he would step in if it looked like he was needed.

He slid up the side of a crypt and peered around the corner to where the sounds were coming from, and there was Buffy; pinneddown on the ground by a vamp. Not, just any vamp, but his very own grandchilde. And what they were doing wasn't fighting, though it did start with an F.

Angel's mouth dropped open as he stared in horrified astonishment; it was like passing by a car wreck, no matter how gruesome and hideous, he just couldn't look away.

With a grunt Buffy pushed Spike onto his back, then mounted him, and started riding him, hard.

Angel clenched his fist in preparation for the surge of anger and jealousy he was sure would come. But it never did. That shocked him more than seeing the two together, he wasn't upset. Well, he was upset–it was an upsetting sight– but not in the way he would have expected.In that moment in knew with absolute certainty that he did not want to be with Buffy anymore or ever again. He had let her go. Now there was only one woman he wanted. A smile slowly crept across his face.Carefully he crept away from the unsuspecting pair, then raced backed to the mansion, hoping that Willow would be there soon.

As much as Willow had enjoyed spending the evening with Dawn watching John Cusack movies– an actor they both shared an admiration for– she had been feeling anxious wanting to see Angel ever since her companion had gone up to bed a couple hours ago. She had consideredgoing on after Dawn went to sleep; at fifteen she was capable, as she kept telling everyone to be left on her own every once in a while. But still Willow didn't feel right doing so.

So she waited... and waited for Buffy to come home.

It was almost two in the morning before she heard the door opening.. '_Finally!'_ She thought, jumping to her feet.She rushed into the foyer as Buffy was closing the door. She had to fight a grimace, her stomach rolling as she caught a whiff of the fried meat smell wafting off the Slayer.

"Hey." She greeted, forcing a smile.

"Hey," Buffy replied with a hint of surprise. "You're up late again. Becoming quite the night owl, huh."

Willow smirked. "Yeah, well, my nap earlier kind of went into overtime, so I'm not tired now."

"Well, it's good that you finally got some rest." Buffy remarked with a small smile. "So are you feeling any better."

"Much. Thanks."

"That's good." She smiled. "Well," she ventured after a moment, "I didn't have a long nap today and I'm wiped. I'm gonna head up to bed."

"Okay. Night Buffy."

"Night." Buffy returned and started upstairs.

Willow waited, for a few minutes after she heard Buffy shut the door of her bedroom, then snuck out the door.


	12. Done denying

**Chapter title: Done denying**

Angel was pacing around the mansion buzzing with anticipation to see Willow. Now that he had figured out his feelings with more clarity he couldn't wait to share the news with Willow. He had to fight the urge to go strait to the Summers house and see her after leaving the cemetery. But, knowing that Dawn was there he had settled against that idea.

So he had no choice but to wait and hope that Willow would come to him.

Finally he sensed her presence in the air and stopped his pacing; a slow smile spreading across his lips.

She walked into the foyer and Angel could almost swear he felt his heart beat.

"I'm so glad you're here." He immediately told her.

A slight blush crept onto Willow's cheeks. "Oh, well that's nice to hear."

Again Angel felt a phantom thumping in his chest looking at her; he wondered how it was possible that he could have been blind for all the years he had known her and never noticed her beauty. And his feelings for her solidified even more.

"There's something I need to tell you," he ventured, coming closer. As he neared though, his steps faltered seeing the bruise coloured half-moons under her eyes and the pallor of her skin.

Willow saw the way Angel's face fell and her brow creased at how quickly his expression had changed. "What's wrong?"

"Is everything all right, Willow?"

"All right?" Her frown deepened. "Yeah, everything's fine. Why?"

Angel shook his head. "Well, you look a bit tired."

Willow gave him a wry smirk. "You do realise that saying someone looks tired is just a tactful way of saying they look like crap, don't you?"

Angel frowned. "Th-that's not what I meant." he faltered. "You look beautiful, just tired. Are you sure you feel all right?"

"I feel fine." Willow assured. "But than fine actually. In fact I feel better than I have in a long time. So everyone can stop worrying about me."

"Everyone?"

"Dawn suggested I should go to the doctor; I had a stomach bug or something a few days ago."

Angel's brow pulled together. "Well, I think Dawn's right. Now there's something I never thought I'd say." he muttered.

Willow rolled her eyes. "I already promised her I would if I wasn't feeling better in a couple days. But since I already do..."

Angel had a stubborn look on his face.

"Anyway," Willow tried to redirect, "didn't you say you had something you wanted to tell me?"

Angel tried to shake off his concern. "Yes, there is," suddenly he felt nervous. He had felt so eager before Willow was here to share with her the certainty he know felt about his feelings for her, that he hadn't stopped to consider how she might react. What if she didn't see it as such a good thing?

"Angel?" she prompted.

Angel shook himself. No matter how she might respond he still had to tell her. "Uh," he stammered, his signature scowl creasing his brow, "I saw something tonight, earlier when I was in the cemetery."

"The cemetery?"

"Oh, um, yeah. When you called and said you might not be able to make it tonight, I decided to go out and make myself useful instead of just sitting around."

Willow nodded. "Okay."

"Anyway," Angel forged on, "Buffy was there."

Willow's eyes widened in horror. "What? You saw Buffy? Oh god did you– you didn't tell her did you?"

"No, no." Angel assured, disheartened by the terror he saw in Willow at the prospect of Buffy finding out about them, it didn't bode well for them having a future relationship together. "I didn't tell her anything."

Willow closed her eyes relieved. "Oh, thank god." she murmured. "But wait, I just saw Buffy and she didn't mention anything about seeing you."

"Because she didn't."

Willow brow knitted, "But, you just said- "

"I said that I saw Buffy at the cemetery," Angel reiterated, "I didn't saw that she saw me. She was rather...engaged at the time. I didn't want to interrupt."

"Engaged?" Willow echoed. "You mean she was slaying?"

"No, not slaying. She was with Spike."

"So? What's the big deal? I mean you know that Spike's kind of part of the gang now, right? Ever since he got that chip in his head, he's been pretty helpful with the demon fighting." She said. "I mean I know it may seem kind of strange to you him and Buffy going out on patrols together, but a lot has changed since you last saw Spike."

Angel let out a light acerbic chuckle. "That's putting it mildly."

Willow looked at him oddly.

"You really don't know about them, do you?"

"What about them?" Willow was clearly confused.

Angel cleared his throat. "When I say that Buffy was _engaged_ with Spike, I mean that they were..." His voice trailed off, he felt uncomfortable discussing Buffy's sex life.

Fortunately Willow got the gist of what he was trying to say without him having to actually say it. Her eyes went wide with comprehension. "You mean that they were..." She uttered, not able to say it aloud either. The idea was just too... weird.

"Yeah." Angel quietly confirmed.

"Buffy and Spike?" Willow asked, still trying to wrap her head around it. "Spike and Buffy?"

"Yes and yes."

She shook her head. "Are you sure?" she licked her lips. "I mean maybe you didn't see what you thought you saw. I mean maybe they were just..."

Angel winced at the memory of what he'd seen. "Trust me, Willow. There's no mistaking what they were doing."

Willow fell quiet, still trying to figure it out. Okay, she had to admit that Spike and Buffy did seem to have a twisted sort of chemistry going on. And it was no secret how much Spike cared for the Slayer. Still, she didn't think that Buffy would ever go there. But, apparently she had. So there was only one question left, "Why wouldn't she tell me?" The question wasn't directed toward Angel, but he responded anyway.

"I can't pretend that I have any idea about what Buffy's thinking. Not anymore."

Willow looked up at him, shaking her head. She could contemplate Buffy's motives for keeping quiet later, right now she focused her attention on Angel. "That must have been really hard for you," she ventured, "seeing them together like that. I mean with your history with them both; Buffy being the love of your life and Spike, well, you sort of grandson. I can't imagine how you must have felt."

"Nothing." Angel told her.

Willow's face scrunched. "Nothing? How could you not have felt anything?"

Angel rubbed his face over his forehead. "Well, not nothing exactly." he amended. "But I didn't feel anything near what I would have thought I would have seeing...what I saw."

Willow still looked confused.

Angel sighed. "It...hurt, but it wasn't a pain caused by betrayal or jealousy, it was more like, I felt sad because seeing Buffy with someone else didn't send me into a rage or pit despair."

"Um, okay." Willow remarked, seeming more puzzled the more Angel tried to explain.

"And I didn't feel that way, because it means that what Buffy and I had is over. Really and truly over." he went on. "And that realisation hurt, because I had always thought that Buffy and I were meant to be, soul mates." He said the last part with a bitter smile. "But, right after that initial sting hit me, it was replaced by a rush of relief. Because now I know that I can finally move on, and I want to. Willow," he looked up into her eyes, "I want to move on with you."

Willow was stunned. She opened her mouth to say something, but found herself unable to speak. "Wow." she finally managed to get out. "Wow, that's, um..."

"Don't worry, Willow," Angel interjected, "I'm not expecting anything from you. I know you still need time to process what you want. Honestly, I didn't expect to come to a conclusion about my own feelings so quickly. I don't want you to feel pressured to respond in kind. I just wanted you to know."

Willow nodded. "I appreciate that, Angel." she said. "And you're right, I do need time to know what I want for the future." she paused, "But, for right now," she tentatively closed the gap between them, "I have a pretty good idea of what I want." She craned her head upward and brought her lips to his.

Perhaps Willow was being influenced by the intensity of Angel's confession and she wasn't sure what she would want tomorrow, but for right now, she did; she wanted Angel.

Angel was surprised when Willow's mouth touched his; this had been what he had hoped for, but not what he actually expected to happen. But it didn't take long for him to forget his shock and lose himself in the feeling of her warm lips, tongue. His arms wrapped around her body pressing her closer to him. Her arms reciprocated going up around his shoulder, her hands threading in his hair.

Angel's lips strayed from hers, trailing along her jaw line and down to her neck.

Willow sighed. "Mm, Angel." Her hands slipped down and snaked underneath Angel's shirt, needing to feel his skin. Her nails lightly scraped along his back.

Angel moaned, sliding his own hand up Willow's blouse. He cupped her breast over her bra his thumb rubbing circles around her nipple. His touch sent a surge of heat down into her core. She bit her lip.

"I want you." she panted.

"Yes." Angel rasped back. His every fantasy coming true. Finally Willow was here– really here– in his arms. Succumbing to his touch. Finally allowing them both to give in to what they wanted. Could anything else in the world make him happier?

_No_, Angel realised regretfully. As visions of Angelus began swimming in his head. Steeling every ounce of restraint he had, Angel wrenched himself away from Willow, taking a big step back to create space from the object of his desire.

Willow's emerald eyes looked at him in confusion. "What's wrong?" She looked so beautiful, her faced flushed and her lips swollen from his kisses.

"We can't." Angel choked out, tearing his eyes from her. "It's not safe."

"Oh." Willow's eyes cleared, she blinked. "You mean like contraceptives" – her eyes squinched– "er, no that's probably not what you meant, being as you're a vampire so..."

"The curse, Willow." Angel wearily reminded.

"Oh, right." Willow murmured. A pause. "But, wait, I mean before when we, you know you didn't, you know, go all _grr_."

"That was different." Angel contended, "Buffy had just died, the prospect of happiness wasn't even a possibility... I didn't feel for you the way I do now. What happened wasn't about us it was..."

"I know." Willow said quietly.

A heavy silence descended between them. They both knew what that night had been about; comfort, losing their pain in the feel of each other.

"But that isn't the case anymore," Angel ventured into the stillness, "what would happen now wouldn't haven't anything to do with Buffy, or anyone else. It would be about you and me, our bodies joining together. It would be pure and..."

"Perfect." Willow supplied with a small wry smile.

"Yeah." Angel matched her with a rueful smirk. "Unfortunately a little too perfect."

"Well," Willow awkwardly ventured into another pause, "uh, so what does this mean? I mean, do you just leave again, go back to L.A. since we can't..."

"Is that what you want?"

"No." Willow hastened. "I don't want you to go. It's just well, I Angel I don't see how we could get into something knowing the obstacles." she sighed. "Isn't this the whole reason you left Sunnydale in the first place; because of the curse, you and Buffy would never be able to have a real relationship."

"That was part of it." Angel softly conceded.

This surprised Willow "Part of it? What do you mean, what else was there?"

Angel sighed, rubbing his forehead. "At the time I believed that that was all it was; that if you took the curse away Buffy and I would be together. But, once we were actually apart, I started to feel... better without her." Angel paused, it was the first time he had admitted this out loud. He had always felt guilty before just by thinking it, but it was true; his life was fuller without Buffy in it. "I don't think we were really very good for each other."

"Wow." Willow remarked, as someone who had had a ringside seat to the saga that was Buffy and Angel's romance, she was shocked by this revelation.

"I think," Angel hazarded, "if Buffy and I had really been meant to be together, we would have found a way. We didn't even really try. I don't want to do that with you, I want to try and make this work. That is, if you do."

Willow bit her lip, considering. "Okay." She said after a moment. "How?"

"Well," Angel ventured after a moment a rakish grin curving up one corner of his mouth, "we can start by finding a way around the rules of that pesky curse of mine." He closed the gap between them. "I mean just because we have to make sure that _I_ don't get too happy doesn't mean that I can't do everything in my power to make _you_ happy."

He bent down and captured Willow's mouth in a deep lingering kiss.

"Well," Willow panted when Angel pulled back, "that was a certainly a good start, but what else ya got?"

Angel chuckled and lowered his lips to hers again. Willow moaned against his mouth. His cool lips began tracing again down her neck sending shivers of ecstacy through her entire body.

His hands nimbly worked to undo the buttons of her blouse. He bent down to take one of Willow's lace covered breast in his mouth. She whimpered in pleasure at the sensation of his tongue lapping at her sensitive flesh through the gauzy fabric of her bra. Her eyes closed and her head tipped back. Willow's legs began to feel like rubber; it was a good thing that Angel had a firm hold on her or she might collapse.

She felt his lips moving down along her stomach as he lowered himself down to his knees. His tongue traced circles around her belly button.

"Oh god." Willow murmured as the liquid heat in her belly flowed south.

Angel popped the button of her jeans with his mouth and took her zipper between his teeth, slowly sliding it down.

Suddenly, Willow felt her stomach pitch. Her throat burned as bile rose into it. Her hands fisted in Angel's hair, pulling it. He pulled his head back from her and looked up. Her face was twisted in a grimace.

Angel's brow furrowed with concern. "Willow? What is it?"

Willow slapped her hand over her mouth and shook her head, then pushed away from Angel and ran.

Angel gaped after her, stunned. It only took a moment for him to shake himself. He sprang to his feet and did the thing he had often wished he had done that night they had been together, he went after her.

Willow had spent little time at the mansion, so she wasn't well acquainted with the layout, not knowing where the bathroom was she ran for the door. Once she was clear of the inside, she dropped to her knees on the ground and retched.

Angel's own gut twisted with worry when he came out of the mansion and saw Willow hunched down on the ground. He knew all too well how fragile the human body was, he hated the idea that anything might be wrong with Willow– his Willow.

He knelt down behind her. He gathered her hair in one hand and held it back, he used the other hand to rub her back.

Willow felt Angel's strong, yet, gentle touch on her back making soothing circles. She was shaking from the amount of energy her getting sick had drained from her.

She clenched her eyes shut tight. She was horrified that Angel had seen her this way. Even after she was sure she had finished she kept her head down and away from him.

"Willow?" He gently murmured.

Willow could hear the depth of his worry in his voice. She wiped her mouth with the back of her, wanting make sure she didn't have anything icky lingering there before slowly turning to look at him.

She gave him a wan smile. "So I'm thinking maybe it would be a good idea for me to go and see the doctor after all."


	13. Rude Awakenings

Willow was enjoying the ride home in Angel's car; he had the top down, and Willow let her head rest against the seat as the fresh hair caressed her. Every now and then Angel would hum along the music piping out of the speakers: Barry Manilow's _I can't smile without you._

_Angel hums_, Willow thought, a smirk on her lips. It was a surprise in and of itself, but what was more, he hummed to Barry Manilow; Angel was a Fanilow! That was something Willow never would have guessed about him. She realized she had learned more about Angel in the last couple of days than she had known in the over three years she'd known him. And she was eager to learn more. Because the more she found out about the enigmatic vampire, the more she liked.

She had her eyes closed, but when the car rolled to a stop, they popped open in surprise.

_Why are we . . . ?_ Willow thought, then looked up at the sign proclaiming Revello Dr. and she had her answer. Her mood fell.

Oh right.

She had almost forgotten Angel was taking her back to Buffy's house.

"Well," she remarked dejectedly, "looks like we made it, huh?" Angel's eyebrows rose and Willow's scrunched as her words registered. "Er. . . okay that pun was completely unitentional,"

Angel chuckled. He couldn't quite suppress a feeling of delight seeing the less than happy look on Willow's face; he liked that she wasn't eager to leave him.

"You know we can still go back to the mansion," he said.

Willow looked at him, one corner of her mouth quirked up. "Don't tempt me," she said with a sigh. Angel had wanted her to stay with him after her sick spell, but Willow figured it wasn't a good idea; if Buffy or Dawn saw she hadn't slept in her own bed, it would no doubt lead to questions and Willow was so not ready to deal with that right now.

_But, if Angel and I are really going to try be together, I am going to have to tell them –tell Buffy– eventually aren't I? _She thought, that not so pleasant feeling twisting in her stomach again.

Seeing the way her face twisted, Angel reached over and rubbed her back. "Hey, are you okay? Are you feeling sick again?"

Willow offered him a small smile; she really was touched by his concern. She shook her head. "No. It's not like that," she replied. "I was just thinking about. . ." her voice trailed off and she bit her lip as she gazed up at the darkened Summers home a little way up the road.

Angel followed her eye line and understanding hit him. "Oh," he murmured. He took Willow's hand in his. "Hey," he nudged gently and Willow pulled her face back to him. "Listen to me; we'll figure all of this out later, okay? Don't worry about it. The only thing I want you to think about right now is yourself and getting better. You are going to make that doctors appointment tomorrow, right?"

Willow smiled and nodded. "First thing, I promise."

"Good." Angel replied giving Willow's hand a squeeze.

Willow sighed, her hand on the door handle. "Well, I really should be getting inside," she was just about to pull the handle when Angel stopped her.

"Wait!" he exclaimed and, with vampiric quickness he got out of the car and came around to Willow's side, opening her door for her.

Willow smirked as he offered her his hand. "My, so gentlemanly,"

Willow saw the slight twitch of Angel's lips in the light of the street lamp; it may not be a full blown smile, but still a lot more emotion than she was used to him showing. He had always been the paradigm of stoicism-that is when he wasn't brooding.

_L.A. must have really been good for him after all. _She thought, not believing that his change could be because of her alone.

"Thanks," Willow said as Angel helped her out of the car. Her stomach fluttered, but not because she was sick; it was because of the way it felt to have Angel's large strong hand wrapped around her smaller one.

"My pleasure," Angel replied smiling as he gently clicked the door closed.

"You really don't have to walk me to the door," Willow insisted. "It's only up the street. I think I can make it on my own."

"I want to walk you." Angel replied.

Willow bit her lip hesitating.

"What?" he asked. "You don't want me to walk you?"

"Well, no. It's not that I don't want you to," Willow hastened. "It's just . . . I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I mean what if someone sees? Isn't that why you parked away from the house?"

"Well I didn't pull into the driveway to be safe. The engine might of stirred someone. But I think we'll be safe walking the rest of the way. You know I do have quite a reputation for being steathly," he said with the smallest tip of his mouth and an amused glint in his eye.

_Angel just made a joke?_ Willow was stunned. Jeez. _What the heck did they do to him in L.A?_

She smiled up at him. "Well, okay," she relented. "But just to be extra-careful, let's go around back."

"Whatever you want," Angel agreed and they continued on to the house.

"Well, I guess this is goodnight." Willow remarked as she took the first step and looked back at Angel.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" Angel asked. "You'll come by and let me know how things went with the doctor?"

Again, touched by his concern Willow smiled. "Of course, I will."

"Okay," Angel wrapped his arms around Willow's waist and pulled her close to him. "Well, until then. . ."

Willow's eyes widened as Angel's mouth was coming toward hers; she put her hands to his chest and pushed him back, back up the steps away from him.

"W-what're you doing?" she asked a confused looking Angel. "You can't kiss me!" she hissed.

Angel's scowl deepened. "Uh . . . I can't?"

"Well no," Willow squeaked. "I, ya know, I have . . . icky barf breath." She finished in a sheepish whisper.

Angel's lips twitched ever so slightly. "Willow," he said taking the steps up to meet her, "I've been fighting demons for a long time and have encountered some pretty rank body fluids; it's going to take a lot more than a little vomit to deter me."

"But–" Willow's demurral was cut off as Angel's mouth touched hers. She sighed softly against his lips as her arms went up around his shoulders, fingers threading in his silky hair; she was surprised how his hair didn't feel more greasy given the amount of product he used.

"Wow," Willow breathily remarked as the kiss broke. "That was . . . wow."

"I'm glad you think so," Angel replied.

"I do. And even if it was slightly icky 'cause of the whole, you know, puking thing, it was totally romantic of you to kiss me."

"Anytime." Angel smirked.

"I'm really sorry about that by the way," Willow said. "I'm sorry I ruined everything by getting sick like that."

Angel put his hand on her cheek, gently stroking her cheekbone with his thumb. "You didn't ruin anything, Willow," he assured. "Just as soon as you're better, we can pick up right where we left off." A wicked glint shone in his dark, brown eyes and anticipatory shiver ran through Willow.

"I can't wait," she breathed.

"Me, either," Angel replied, his voice husky as he bent to capture Willow's mouth again. This time the kiss was more needful and wanton. Angel's hands moved from Willow's hips to her backside, cupping her ass, he pressed her harder against him and she felt the bulge in his pants.

"Oh, wow," Willow panted, breaking away. "Now I'm _really_ sorry."

Angel, nuzzling her neck, let out a chuckle; the vibration of his lips tickled her skin.

Willow felt her eyes beginning to close and realized that if she didn't go inside soon she wasn't going to make it off this porch.

"I really should get inside."

Angel stepped back with a sigh. "Okay," he gave her one last brief kiss. "Get some rest all right? I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay," Willow kissed him on the cheek before turning and creeping inside of the house.

Willow carefully made her way up the stairs and slipped into her bedroom; she crossed over to the window to draw the curtains, so the sun that would be rising soon wouldn't interrupt her sleep, and saw that Angel's car was still idling at the curb. Angel was leaning against the hood.

A smile curved Willow's lips. She gave a wave to the dark figure, he raised his hand in response, then pushed himself away from the hood and got behind the wheel. Willow watched as the car pulled away, until he turned at the end of the street and lights were swallowed up by the darkness.

Sighing dreamily, Willow practically floated to the bathroom to ready herself for bed.

Willow's stomach was quiet as she lay in bed, no signs of the sickness she was feeling earlier. But as for the fire of desire Angel had ignited in her at the mansion – and rekindled out on the porch – it was burning hot.

She whimpered in frustration and rubbed her thighs together, desperately needing the friction.

Well, she supposed she was just going to have to resort to taking care of the problem herself if she had any hope of relaxing and getting to sleep tonight.

She rolled back over on her back and lifted her knees up slightly. Slowly, she slid one hand under the top of her shirt and played with her already pebbled nipple, as the other hand descended down her torso and sneaked into the band of her bottoms. Her fingers were met with slickness immediately and she slowly slid them between her folds. Her mouth went dry as she began stroking herself. She moaned arching her back, as she rubbed her clit. She found that instead of easing her desire, the contact only made the need for Angel grow. She wished he was here with her now in her bed, that it was his hand between her thighs instead of her own. She wanted to have his hard cock inside of her, feel it grinding against her sensitive sex.

She thought how cruel a twist it was that she had spent all this time regretting and trying to forget what it was like to be with Angel, and right now, the only thing she wanted was to be with him again, but because of his curse, she would never know the sensation of having him inside her again.

The realization was like a bucket of ice water dousing her lust.

She removed her hand from her PJ's and whipped her pillow out from behind her head; she covered her face with the pillow and let out a muffled scream, then sat up and chucked it across the room.

_Damn it._ She thought. _Stupid Gypsies and their stupid curses with stupid stipulations._ She huffed turning onto her side. She grabbed another pillow and punched it before stuffing it under her head. _Ugh! If only there was someway to_. . .

Her eyes widened and she bolted upright.

_What if there is a way?_

There could be; she'd just never thought about it before. But what if there was a way that Angel's soul could be made permanent?

It's not like the possibility was beyond all reason or her skills as a witch.

_Heck, I raised the dead! Modifying Angel's curse can't be any more complicated than that._

Scrambling out of bed, she went around to her trunk and opened it; she had kept all of the research she had done about the curse after Angel had lost his soul.

She poured over practically every book she had, meticulously going over every detail until she was sure she had the right solution.

_This is it. _She thought resolutely. _This will work; it'll give Angel his soul free and clear._

Willow bit her lip ponderously; even though she was secure in her ability and certain that this spell would work, it still might take some doing to get Angel to agree to it once he found out what would have to be done.

She sucked in a breath and strapped on her Resolve face for the benefit of no one but herself.

_Well then, I'll just have to be extra-convincing and make him agree to it._

She smiled as she sat back and imagined the prospects of Angel having his soul free and clear, and the wonderful things they would be able to do together once that happened; she felt that familiar quiver low in her belly thinking of it and knowing that soon the fantasies could become reality.

She sighed as she let her head fall back on the bed, stretching out her legs not minding the books and papers she consequently knocked off the bed.

She was just about to pick up where she had left off earlier when a high-pitched scream ripped her from her reverie.

"Buffy!" It was Dawn's voice that shrilled.

Willow bolted out of bed immediately, in a panic over what might have happened to the young girl.

She fumbled over her research trying to get to the door. Her heart was thumping wildly and her breath coming fast as she wrangled open her bedroom door and burst into the hall, almost colliding with Buffy.

"What is it?" she frantically asked the Slayer.

"I don't know." Buffy replied with equal panic. "Dawn!" she cried, rushing to the bathroom where her sister's voice had come from. She burst open the door. "What is it? What happened?"

Willow was close behind Buffy, peering at the teenager leaning over the laundry basket, trying to decipher what was the matter.

"What happened," Dawn squealed, "is exactly what I want to know." She turned to Buffy gripping fiercely to a jacket in her hand; a pure rage was glowing in her big blue eyes. "What did you do to my jacket?" She screamed spreading out the jacket to show the dirt and grass stains on the back of it.

"Is that what this is about? Why you're screaming like a maniac, because of a stupid jacket?"

Dawn huffed crossing her arms. "If it's such a 'stupid jacket', then why the heck did you borrow it and ruin it?"

"Ugh! It's not like I set out to destroy the jacket, Dawnie – and it's not ruined, we can have it dry cleaned." Buffy tried to cajole.

"But I wanted to wear it today!" Dawn harped.

Buffy sighed. "Well, I'm sorry Dawn, I got pinned down by a vamp and taking my jacket off wasn't really a priority at the time."

"You mean taking _my_ jacket off wasn't a priority." Dawn sullenly corrected.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "It's not like you've never borrowed anything of mine and gotten it dirty before; suck it up." With that she turned her back on a seething Dawn, who let out a squeal of disbelief and slammed the bathroom door shut.

Willow winced at the noise.

"Sorry," said Buffy. "Did she wake you?"

Willow mustered a small smile. "Oh, it's no big."

"I was just making some coffee, do you want?" Buffy offered as she headed back for the stairs.

Willow stifled a shudder at the thought of that; she had tasted Buffy's coffee once before, that was not an experience she cared to relive. "Uh. . . no thanks," she replied politely. "I think it's an orange juice kind of morning."

Buffy shrugged and continued down the stairs.

Willow followed, her brow pinched as she thought about Buffy's comment to Dawn, about her being 'pinned down by a vamp' and the memory of what Angel had told her he saw in the graveyard with her and Spike.

"So," she ventured airily, "you had a pretty busy night last night, huh? You see a lot of action or was it just the one vampire?"

Buffy quickly turned her back on her, but Willow could have sworn she caught the beginnings of a blush crossing the Slayer's face before she did.

"Oh, um, just one," Buffy replied. "But he had a lot of. . . stamina."

Willow bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. _Oh, I'll just bet he did._

She still didn't understand why Buffy was keeping her relationship with Spike a secret; aside from Xander she couldn't imagine anyone having a problem with it. She knew for sure that Dawn would be ecstatic. And Spike had more than proven how much he's changed to her. Willow felt slighted by Buffy's secretiveness— and yes she was well aware of the irony there— but she was used to being Buffy's confidant and it hurt her that for whatever reason Buffy felt she couldn't come to Willow about Spike.

She wondered briefly how the vampire felt about being the Slayer's dirty little secret; it must kill him holding his tongue and not rubbing it into Xander's face every time he teased Spike about his hopeless infatuation with Buffy. Willow wouldn't have thought Spike capable of not bragging about such a thing. He must really be worried about losing Buffy to keep quiet.

"Hey, you okay?" Buffy's voice penetrated Willow's musings.

"Huh?"

"You seemed to be out of it a bit there just then," Buffy elaborated.

"Oh." Willow shook herself. "Uh, sorry, I guess I just got caught up thinking about. . . things."

Buffy smiled sympathetically. "You mean, Tara type things?"She gently prodded.

_Tara?_ A lump clogged Willow's throat at the mention of her name. Of course that was whom Buffy would assume she was thinking about. But the fact was, Willow hadn't thought about her since she met Angel at the mansion. Realising this made her feel guilty; shouldn't she be thinking about Tara right now, the girl she loved and betrayed? Not worrying about fixing Angel's curse so that the two of them could be happily ever after. And Buffy too, she should be kicking herself for even entertaining the idea of having a relationship with the love of her best friends life?

Suddenly Willow's stomach bug was back again.

"Oh, Will, you don't look so good," Buffy remarked. "Maybe you should go lie down and get some more rest."

Willow nodded, swallowing down the bile creeping its way up her esophagus. "Yeah," she muttered, "I think you're right."

Now that she had officially crashed from the high she'd been on after figuring out the solution to Angel's curse, Willow, shamefacedly shuffled out of the kitchen up to her bedroom to wallow in what a lousy friend and overall human being she was.

_Angel had his head between Willow's milky white thighs; her blushing slit was glistening with her sexual juices. He licked his lips, hungry for her. Not being able to wait a moment longer he dipped down, his tongue rasped along her slippery folds. Willow moaned and Angel felt her body tremble for him; he smiled against her sex and plunged his tongue deeper inside her, finding her clit and lapped at it with fervor._

_Willow's fingers in his hair twisted, her nails digging into his scalp as she cried out, Her hips bucking up against his mouth._

_Angel enjoyed the delicious pain._

_He took her clit into his mouth and suckled on it greedily while she cried his name in an increasing falsetto_, _until her release burst into Angel's mouth; it was the sweetest elixir he'd ever tasted. He laved it up_, _every last drop._ _Once he was finished, his lips made their way up her body and met hers; she kissed him back lazily, too passion spent to use much vigor._

_Angel leaned to her ear and whispered, "Is that all you can handle, Little one?"_

"_No," she answered, in a raspy voice. "I need more. I need you inside me. Angel, please!"_

_Angel chuckled. "Well, since you asked so nicely," He put himself between her legs and parted and took his cock in hand, slowly he began to ease himself inside of her; the sensation of her tight, wet heat enveloping him made Angel growl._

"_Oh god, yes!" Willow cried. "Please, Angel, fuck me!"_

Angel was ready to thrust himself completely into her when an annoying shrilling sound ripped from the dream.

"Son of a bitch!" Angel growled, as his eyes flashed opened, finding Willow's body no longer underneath him, and the grip strangling his cock was his own hand, not her sweet channel.

He heard the sound that had woken him again and realized what it was; _God damned cell phones!_

He shook off his rage thinking. It could be Willow; maybe she had already gone to the doctor. Rubbing his painful turning erection with one hand, he groped the floor for his pants with the other. Finding them, he took out his phone and flipped it open.

"Hello?" he answered anxiously.

"Hi, it's me!" A familiar voice chirped, not Willow's.

His shoulders slumped and his teeth gritted with annoyance. "Cordelia," he nearly growled, "what do you want?"

"Gee, I'm glad to hear that being around Buffy hasn't dampened your sunny disposition." She cracked.

Angel ground his teeth, closing his eyes. "Sorry," he chocked out. "But you woke me up."

"Oh, well sorry 'bout that." To Angel's dismay— but not surprise— she didn't sound all that contrite about disturbing his rest.

"Was there some reason for your calling?" he gritted.

"Oh, yeah," she chirped. "The boss wants to know when you're coming back. So does everyone else, including me. So. . .?"

Angel ire flared even more. "I told you last time you called; I need some time. I have . . . unresolved issues to deal with,"

Cordelia scoffed at the other end of the line. "Yeah, well, I hate to be the bearer of obvious news here, but Angel, when it comes to you and Buffy, things will _never_ be resolved. And as for you needing time, well you've had almost a week now. You're using up all of your vacation days; if you don't come back soon, Wes says he's going to fire you."

"I did not!" Angel heard Wes' indignant British accent proclaim.

"Well, he would have every right to," Cordelia amended. "So," she prompted, "when the heck are you coming back? You are planning on coming back, right?"

"Of course I am," he rejoined exasperated.

"Well, good. Hurry up with it, will you? We miss you; the Hyperion just isn't the same without you brooding all over the place," Cordelia said.

Despite himself, a small smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth. "I've missed you guys too, Cordy." He didn't realize that he actually had missed his friends until he said the words.

"Well, of course you have," Cordelia retorted in a _Duh_ tone. "Look, I better go. Remember what I said; get your butt back here soon, okay?"

"Okay,"

"'Kay, bye,"

"Bye, Cordy,"

Angel clicked his phone shut with a dejected sigh. Despite his affirmation that he intended to return to L.A., he hadn't actually given much thought about returning home.

_Home._ The Hyperion was his home, not this mansion, not anymore. He had been completely sincere when he had told Willow he enjoyed his life in L.A. He had carved out a place for himself there, made a family. A family he realized now, he really did want to return to. As much as he enjoyed being around Willow, being with her, his place was in Los Angeles.

He couldn't stay in Sunnydale forever. What would his life be like? Would he just sit around the mansion all day waiting for Willow to come to him?

Angel couldn't exist like that. And he doubted that Buffy would welcome him back as part of her scooby gang once she learned about his relationship with Willow. And even if she would be fine with it — which was highly unlikely — Angel didn't think he could be content to go back to being the Slayer's lackey, even if it meant being with Willow.

Perhaps Willow would come with him. She had said she wanted to give their relationship a chance, and the reality was that, in Sunnydale, they didn't really have one. But would it really be fair of Angel to ask her to come with him; he would essentially be asking her to give up the thing he didn't want to: her life, her friends.

But he had to convince her it was for the best; there was no way they could have any kind of relationship together here. Sure, his friends might be daunted by the sudden change of having Willow around as Angel's girlfriend, but they would accept it eventually; Angel couldn't imagine Buffy, Xander or Giles, ever going along with it.

No, if he and Willow were going to be together it had to be in L.A.

Angel just hoped he could get Willow to realize that as well.

Feeling dismal, Angel looked down at his now flaccid cock still in his hand; he doubted he could fall back into his fantasies now, or get back to sleep at all. He had too much to think about.

Grunting with annoyance he pushed to his feet and stomped toward the bathroom to shower, grumbling, "Damn cell phones."

TBC . . .


	14. Awake my soul

**Chapter 14: Awake my soul.**

Angel had spent the day in a state of anxiety; he had already been worried about what news Willow's doctor's visit might bring. And now, since Cordelia's phone call, he was nervous about talking to Willow about coming to L.A. with him to give their relationship a fighting chance. He didn't know how he would broach the subject; how do you ask a person to essentially give up their life?

He had thought it over in his head, considered what Willow's arguments for not wanting to go with him might be: _What about school?_

_You can always transfer to UCLA. It's a better reputed institution, anyway, much more suited to someone of your intelligence._

_What about my friends, my family?_

This question was a little bit trickier, as Angel knew his answer would include some not happy truths.

_Well, from what I know, you don't exactly have the closest relationship with your parents. And as for your friends, well... how do you think they are going to react when they find out about us?_

Angel didn't have time to go over the rest of it again, Willow was coming.

Angel rubbed his hands together and steeled himself as he waited for her to enter the mansion.

"Hey," she greeted him, wearing that sweet smile of hers.

"Hey," he returned. He searched her eyes trying to find any hint of what the news might be. He tasted the pheromones she was giving off. She was nervous, anxious - not unlike himself, but there was also a hint of excitement that eased his own worry. "So you have good news I hope?" he ventured.

Willow's smile broadened. "I have potentially amazing, earth shattering, life changing news," she replied.

Angel felt the twinge of a smile at the corners of his mouth. The tension that had been building steadily inside him was waning. "So, what did he say?"

Willow's brow furrowed, "What'd who say?"

"The doctor," Angel prompted, then frowned. "You did go to the doctor, didn't you?"

Willow winced and smacked herself in the head. "Doh, I forgot!"

Angel sighed, shaking his head. "Willow... you promised you would go."

"I know, I know," she rushed, "and I meant to, and I still will. But, I just got kind of sidetracked, and once you hear why, I think you'll understand."

Angel folded his arms over his chest, his face like stone. "All right, tell me," he prompted. "What was it that was so important that it came before your own health?"

Willow frowned. She did not appreciate the note of condescension in Angel's voice. She folded her arms over her chest, mimicking his closed off body language. "If that's how you're going to be, then I'm not so sure I want to tell you."

Angel sighed, "I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you. I want to be sure that you are okay."

Willow couldn't hold on to her ire looking into Angel's deep brown eyes, so full of concern for her well-being. She sighed, "Well, all right." And just like that the twinkle of excitement was back in her eyes. A wide smile stretched her lips. "I found it," she told him, a note of awe in her voice.

Angel's brow pulled together, "Found... what?"

"The cure!" she gushed. "Angel, I know how to take care of your little issue in the bedroom."

Angel's face took on just about as much animation as Willow had ever seen on the vampire. "My... what?" he spluttered.

"I mean the curse," Willow hastened. "I'm sure that you have absolutely no other problems in that department. In fact, I know you don't."

"Oh," Angel murmured, looking sheepish. "Right. The curse. Of course." And then it seemed to hit him what Willow was saying. "You found a way to fix the curse, for me to keep my soul?"

The look of hope in eyes that usually were only ever filled with sorrow and torment, made Willow's chest ache. She hoped she would be able to convince Angel to do what needed to be done in order for her solution to work; she would hate to take that light from him.

She nodded, blinking against the tears in her eyes. "Yes," she affirmed. "I know how to give you your soul free and clear. So that you can finally be able to have and enjoy the happiness you deserve."

"With you," Angel added.

Willow tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "If that's what you want," she said, sounding uncertain. Angel couldn't believe she would still have any doubts about his affection for her.

"Of course that's what I want," he assured her, crossing the room and taking her hands in his. "Do you honestly think that my feelings for you have changed in a few hours?"

Willow shrugged. "I don't know. This all seemed to happen pretty fast; the whole "us" thing. I just want to make sure that you really believe that I'm the one; that you could really experience perfect happiness with me."

Angel touched her cheek, "There isn't anyone else that could make me happier."

Willow looked up into his eyes. The insecurity inside her searching to find if sincerity like that could be faked. She figured, with some people, it probably could. But right now with Angel, she didn't believe it. She smiled. "Good," she said. "It wouldn't work otherwise."

Angel took his hand down, his brows bunching skeptically. "What wouldn't work? The spell? What does this spell involve specifically?"

Willow cleared her throat, nervous. "W-well, um, it's not really a spell so much as a curse. A different curse, that applies the same basic principal of the original Gypsy curse, giving a soul, just without the perfect happiness stuff."

"So," Angel drawled, a deep scowl on his face, "you want to put another curse on me." He shook his head. "I don't pretend to know all that much about magick, but from what I've gleaned over my time on earth, isn't it impossible for someone to hold more than one curse at a time?"

Willow gulped, nodding. "It is," she confirmed, voice squeaking.

"So, that would mean that in order for this to work, the original curse would have to be taken away." Angel's eyes looked strait into Willow's, understanding and shock were in them, but not hope. "You want to make me lose my soul. That's why you said it wouldn't work if you couldn't give me true happiness." He shook his head. "No." His voice was stone, cold. "Never gonna happen."

"Angel, please," Willow begged. "Just hear me out–"

"What's the point?" Angel interrupted. "There's nothing you can say that would make me agree to let the monster out. I can't believe that you would even consider it an option. You were there when Angelus took over; you know what it was like."

"Yes. I do know," Willow murmured. "And what I'm proposing will make sure that he never gets free range over you ever again. Yes, it may sound risky to let him out for even a second, but I'm not a total idiot here, Angel. I'll take precautions. You'll be bound."

Angel scoffed, "You really think that some rope or chains is going to be enough to contain Angelus if he wants out badly enough? And with you right there," he shook his head, "no way. I won't take that chance, not with your life."

Willow sighed, "No, you don't understand. I'm not talking about physical bonds here; I'm talking mystical ones, the kind that no amount of physical strength can break through. The only way to get out of magickal bond is to combat it with more magick. Now, granted, I don't know a lot about Angelus– other than the scary stuff– but I'm guessing he is not too adept at sorcery. And even if he did have basic skills, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I doubt he could take on my magick. I don't know if you're aware, but I am a pretty kick-ass witch."

Angel's mouth gave an almost imperceptive twitch. He couldn't remember hearing that sort of language from Willow before. But he sobered quickly.

"I don't know Willow," he shook his head slowly, "if something went wrong..."

"Nothing will go wrong," Willow asserted. "It's not that complicated a spell. I've done much more complex magick than this. Hello, raised the dead!"

Angel blew out the needless breath he was holding in. "I still think it's too much of a risk."

"No! It's not!" Willow shrieked. Angel flinched, the sound splitting his sensitive vampire hearing. "Sorry," Willow murmured. "I didn't mean to yell like that. It's just... man you're stubborn." Angel almost smiled. Willow took a few steps until she was in front of him and took his hands.

"Angel, this is a way for us to be together– the only way– for us to _really_ be together. The way you said you want to be with me... The way I want to be with you. Now, you say it's a risk– I don't agree– but even if it is, I think it's a risk worth taking, don't you?"

Willow watched Angel's eyes; she could see he was considering her words. But she could also see the cloying doubt. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to get through to him.

"Well, how about this," she licked her lips, "why don't you at least test out the bonds, make sure they're secure, and then, if they are, you can consider if you want to go through with this?" She raised her eyebrows. Her eyes were large and full of hope.

"All right," he agreed. "We'll test the bonds and then I'll think about it. But, Willow, if we're going to do this, we need to do it right. You're going to have to make me really want to get free."

Willow smiled wickedly. "Oh, I think I can do that."

"Okay," Willow said after finishing the incantation to bind Angel to the bed. "Why don't you give it a little tug and see how it's working?"

Angel tried to pull out of his constraints, grunting with the effort, but the bonds didn't seem to give at all. "So far, so good. But, there isn't exactly a real reason for me to want to get free."

"I'm getting to that," Willow told him. She opened her bag with her supplies in it and took out some candles.

"What are those for?" Angel asked, brow cocked. "I thought you already finished the binding spell."

"Atmosphere," Willow informed him. She set up the candles and lit them. "Okay," she said, sounding nervous, "now for the tempting part." Fingers trembling, she began to unbutton her blouse. She didn't know why she should feel so nervous. Angel had already seen pretty much all there was to see of her. But this was different. She was worried that maybe she couldn't be sexy enough to make Angel want to get loose.

Angel's eyes glossed over as he gazed upon the porcelain perfect skin that was being exposed to him, and the lacey pink bra. He swallowed. "What are you doing?" he asked, voice raspy.

Willow stopped, only a few buttons remaining done on her shirt, "Um, tempting you?"

Angel nodded. "Definitely."

Willow smiled, emboldened by Angel's reaction. She continued to undo her blouse. She reached her hands behind her back to get at her bra hooks. Angel's eyes were riveted to her chest, waiting desperately to glance at those supple mounds.

Willow frowned. "Darn," she muttered. "This thing is so hard to reach. I wish I had an extra set of hands to help me off with it."

Angel pulled his gaze up to Willow's big, innocent eyes and grinned. "I would love to oblige, but..." He yanked his arms. They didn't budge.

"Oh well," Willow sighed. "I suppose if I try hard enough..." She wriggled. "Ah! Got it!" Slowly, the straps of the bra fell from her shoulders. Willow put an arm over her chest. She raised an eyebrow at Angel, "Need more?"

Angel nodded frantically. Willow peeled the bra away from her body and let it drop to the floor. She brushed her fingers over her nipples and bit her lip as she moaned. She pinched them. "Oh!"

Angel growled, wanting to take her peaks into his mouth and suckle them, take her budded nipples between his teeth.

"Mmm," Willow moaned as if she were imagining the same thing. She began to undo her jeans; slowly she pulled them down over her creamy white thighs. Next, she peeled down her panties, slowly revealing the thatch of little red curls that formed a very inviting V between her legs. Angel licked his lips at the sight. He remembered tasting her in his dreams. He was desperate to taste her now, touch her. But his bonds wouldn't break.

Willow looked down at herself, then up at Angel. "Well, this isn't fair, is it? Here I am all exposed, but you still have all your clothes on. I'm gonna have to do something about that." She muttered a word of Latin and waved her hand toward him; all of his clothes peeled away.

Willow grinned, eyes greedily drinking in every inch of Angel marble flesh. "Much better."

Angel shivered as a draft from somewhere tickled his aching erection. Willow climbed up on to the bed next to Angel. Coming up on her knees, she slowly slid one hand up the inside of her thigh. She rubbed along her slit. "God, I'm so wet!" She took her hand away and held up her glistening fingertips to Angel; his nostrils flared at the scent of her desire. God he needed to taste her! Willow put her finger to his lips, but just as Angel opened his mouth, she pulled it away, smiling.

She turned her head looking down at Angel's rock hard cock. "My, my, guess I was pretty tempting after all, huh?" Angel, unable to form words, grunted in response. Willow reached down and brushed her fingertips, ever so slightly along his shaft. Angel hissed at the sensation. Willow took her hand away.

"Should I stop?" she asked coyly.

"No," Angel gritted.

Willow touched Angel again, wrapping her hand around him and slowly pumped up and down. She rolled her thumb over his glistening tip.

"So, what do you think?" she asked. "Think there's any chance of breaking out of those things?" She nodded her head toward the glowing green bands around Angel's wrist.

Angel, even less able to speak now, shook his head.

Grinning, Willow threw one leg over Angel's body and straddled him. She was still up on her knees and her slit was just hovering over Angel's cock; he could feel her heat.

"So..." she drawled. "Do you think maybe we should go ahead and try the spell... or should I get up and put my clothes back on?"

"No!" Angel shouted, finally finding words. "No clothes. Need you. Don't stop."

Willow lowered herself slightly so that her slit was just grazing Angel's tip. "Are you sure? Maybe I haven't tempted you good enough yet."

Angel growled. "Willow," he gritted, "if you do anymore to tempt me, I'm going to explode. I trust you. The bonds will hold. Please."

Willow cocked her head to the side as if considering. "Well, okay. Since you said please." She lowered herself once more, taking in Angel's tip. She rubbed herself languorously against him, before lowering herself another inch.

Angel growled. He wanted to take hold of Willow and flip her on her back, burying himself fully inside of her. The lazy way she was enveloping him, little by little, was driving him crazy. But Willow had been right; there was no way he could break out of her bonds. He mustered every ounce of strength he possessed and bucked up his hips.

Willow gasped as Angel's cock filled her up; she had thought she had all the control. She hadn't thought about him being able to move his hips. She'd only bound his arms and legs. She quickly recovered from the incursion and, not being able to fight her own need anymore, rocked fast against him; his cock grounding against her clit with delicious friction.

Angel thrust his hips with what little give he had; he had felt ready to explode the moment he was enveloped in Willow warm, slick channel. He wished that he could make himself last longer, but unfortunately, Willow had done too good a job at 'tempting' him. He doubted he could hold on much longer.

Willow's hips rocked in an escalating tempo as she felt the tension building inside her, ready to erupt. It didn't take long for her to burst; she trembled inside and out with the power of her orgasm. Angel follwed her howling Willow's name with his release. Angel's body went rigid as he emptied himself into her; his cool seed shot into her with such force, it brought on an aftershock of pleasure that made her gasp.

Then Angel's body slakened, drained and satisfied.

Willow recovered herself after a moment and slowly opened her eyes; she didn't know how long it would take for the curse to take effect and Angel to lose his soul. She raised her head to look at him; his eyes were closed, a pleased look of contentment on his face.

Willow called to him with caution, "Angel? Are you ... okay?"

He opened his eyes to her. "Fine," he replied slowly. "I'm not sure when–" He cut off with a grunt of pain. His body tensed, his eyes clenched shut.

"Angel?" Willow sounded frightened.

His eyes opened again, glowing. He went limp once more, eyes closing.

"Angel?" Willow thought he was unconscious. She was about to climb off of him when his eyes snapped open and he chuckled. It was a dark sound.

"Oh, please. Don't get up on my account." The voice that spoke wasn't Angel's; there was a slight Irish lilt to it.

"My, my, isn't this a lovely sight to wake up to?"

Willow's heart was beating like a hammer. She tried desperately to remain outwardly calm. She swallowed down the lump of fear in her throat, and said as levelly as she could manage, "Hello, Angelus."

_TBC..._


	15. Necessary evil

**Chapter 15: Necessary evil**

**A/N: I am so sooo sorry this update took so long. I just got struck with a terrible bout of writer's block. I'll try and do better next time. But I promise that no matter how sporadic updates become, I will not abandon this fic! So unless I drop dead by some means, I'll finish no matter how long it takes.**

**Thank you all so much for your patience! I hope you won't be disappointed.**

**Happy reading!**

**And again sorry, it's kind of short.**

Angelus wasn't one to be easily surprised; when you've been around as long as he'd been, you've pretty much seen all there is to see. But, this, Angelus had to admit was a surprise of the most delicious variety. Waking up to the mousy little redhead, best friend to the slayer, straddling him. Her flawless porcelain skin flushed with arousal. Her tight, hot sex was still quivering from aftershocks around his cock. Her was blood rushing in the most delightful way. He could hear it, it was like music. Her fear and excitement along with the scent of her freshly released sexual juices mixed to make the most heady fragrance.

Angelus' mouth started to water, his eyes riveted to the girl above him. His gaze followed the line of the light blue veins visible on her alabaster chest up to her neck. Her pulse was jumping wildly in her throat. He could feel his fangs itch at the prospect of sinking into such a sweet, delicate fruit.

God, it had been too long since he had tasted human blood. It was only fitting that his first taste since being locked away would be that of the blood of the one who put him there.

Angelus just hoped that he would be able to sustain control. It would be a shame to drain the girl too quickly without having fun first. And it was clear from the position he was in now that the little witch was definitely good for some fun.

Angelus wondered briefly just what had led to his current state; the memories from Angel were always a little fuzzy upon first waking. Oh, well, he supposed he would have the answers soon enough. As soon as he reversed their current positions and Willow was the one strapped down to this bed.

He felt a smile thinking about his soulful self playing the submissive to this little waif. He wasn't surprised by her turning out to be a fan of bondage; it was always the quiet ones. He chuckled at that.

Willow bit down on her lip as Angelus rumbled beneath her. His cock vibrated against her still very tender sex as he laughed. She fought not to whimper at the sensation it induced. She gulped down her fear; even though she knew that he was bound and couldn't get lose, the sight of Angleus in full game face was still unnerving. She took in slow breaths trying to control her heart rate.

"So," Angelus ventured, "care to tell me how it is we ended up in this position, little one? Seems like Angel should have known better considering what happened the last time. But, I suppose some brain matter has to be removed to make room for that pesky soul."

Willow's brow pinched, "You don't remember?" she wondered.

"Brains a bit fuzzy," he replied, "it happens when you've been asleep as long as I've been." The vampire's yellow eyes narrowed and his tone became menacing, "I've been waiting along time to repay you for that curse induced coma you put me in," he smiled charmingly – or at least as charmingly as he could in vamp face. "Thank you so much for waking me and giving me the opportunity."

"I hate to break it to you, Angelus," Willow replied trying to keep her voice as calm as possible, "but you're never going to get the chance. In fact," she went on trying to sound as threatening as possible, "I'm going to make sure that you never get the chance to hurt anyone ever again."

Angelus chuckled condescendingly, "And just how do you plan to stop me, Little witch?"

"By giving Angel back his soul permanently and locking you away for good," Willow informed him putting as much confidence behind the words as she could muster.

"And, what you just expect me to lay here and do nothing while you put the whammy on me?" he returned. "Come on, little one, you know better than that."

Willow's lips ticked up slightly at the corners as she looked up at the glowing green bindings around Angel's wrist. "You're right," she told him, "I do. Which is why I took the proper precautions. You're stuck, Angelus."

Angelus' smug expression fell. For the first time he tugged against the reins confining him. He couldn't move. He struggled more, putting all his strength into it.

Willow gasped as he bucked beneath her in his efforts. She scrambled up off of him getting to her feet by the bed.

Angelus roared in frustration. He turned his face to her and snarled, "You little bitch!"

Willow jumped back.

"Let me free!"

Willow scoffed. "With that attitude," she rejoined, "I don't think so. Didn't you're mother ever teach you to say please."

He growled and snapped his fangs at her.

"Nope," she said, "still not hearing please." She looked down at herself and was suddenly struck self-conscious by her level of nudity. She snatched up the closest article of clothing handy; it was Angel's shirt. She put in on and buttoned it up.

"Now, if you will _please_," she stressed the word, "keep the growling and groaning to a minimum, I have a spell to perform thank you very much. I need a little bit of quiet." She moved to grab up her underwear from wear they had somehow landed on the bed post where Angelus' hands were bound. Her foot caught on her jeans and she lurched forward, falling onto of the vampire. Her neck landed just within reach of his mouth.

Without wasting a second, Angelus clamped down hard, sinking his fangs into Willow's delicate flesh.

Willow gasped at the sharp pain that shot through her entire being. She clenched her teeth against the agony and steeled herself. She curled her hand on Angelus' shoulder, digging her nails into his flesh. She began to chant in a weak breathy voice.

Angelus felt a shocking volt go through him, paralyzing him. His jaw went slack, fangs sliding out of Willow's neck.

Now that she was free, Willow bolted up as quickly as possible. Her hand flying up to cover the wound on the side of her neck.

"Well, that was about as painful as I thought it was going to be," she stated. She pulled her hand back and looked at her blood coated fingers. "But, I guess I owe you a thanks, Angelus," she went on, "'Cause if you hadn't of done that, my spell would've been a dud."

Angelus' eyes flashed with incredulous rage as he realised he had just been played. A furious growl erupted from him.

Willow's breathing was becoming shallow. She didn't know if it was from anxiety or if she had miscalculated and let Angelus take to much blood. She wasn't sure how much exactly was needed for him to drink for the spell. Just that it required the bloodletting. She hadn't revealed this part of the ritual to Angel beforehand, fearing that it would be another reason for him to object to Willow performing it. She couldn't take that risk.

_God, I hoped that was enough, _she prayed_. _

Either way, she was beginning to feel lightheaded and knew she needed to get on with it already.

"Well," she rasped, then paused to swallow, "this has been really great catching up an' all, but, I think it's time for you to say nighty night, Angelus."

She leaned forward, slipping her hand beneath the pillow under the vampire's head and came back holding a dagger.

She gulped as she looked at the blade; the shine glinted off the candlelight. "So, your turn," she squeaked. She put the edge of the blade the vampire's chest. "Sorry, Angel," she said just in case he could somehow hear her in there. She clenched her eyes shut tight as she pressed the into Angelus' flesh cutting him.

The vampire let out a strangled groan as the blade sliced through him.

Willow fought not to wince at the sound reminding herself that he had just ripped into her neck not a minute ago, and that this was necessary to bring Angel back once and for all.

She girded herself and forced open her eyes. She leaned over the side of the bed and grab the mortar filled with the necessary herbs and pressed it against Angelus' chest to catch the stream of blood flowing from the cut she made. Once it looked like a sufficient amount had pooled into the mortar, she lifted it up to her own bleeding neck and let her blood drip down to mix with Angelus' and the herbs.

She took a pestle and ground the contents together. After it was mixed throughly, she took one of the candles she had laid out. She began chanting the incantation as she bent the candles' flame down toward the mixture in the mortar. The contents ignited, small orange and blue flames flaring up. She held back the flames a safe distance away from her and began to chant the incantation.

At first, as always, the Latin words felt awkward and foreign on her tongue. But, the words gained force and confidence as she felt the magick kindling inside her, taking over. It was a slow build, just little rumblings deep inside her, until it finally erupted like a volcano. Then she was the magick, it was apart of her. The spell was working.

Suddenly her body arched back as Angel's soul filled her. It wasn't the small spark of feeling like it had been the first time she restored his soul. Then it had only been slight rush, like plummeting down a slope on a roller-coaster.

Of course then she had been using the Orb of Thesula to hold Angel's soul. But, there hadn't been any Thesulian Orbs on hand at the Magick box – you would think they would know better to keep at least one around just in case. So Willow was using her own body as the conduit to transfer Angel's soul back into his body.

His soul was inside of her, touching her own, and Willow was overwhelmed by the beauty she felt inside. She basked in the light she was filled with, tears springing to her eyes. She had never felt anything like this before.

A smile stretched across her lips.

She looked down at the Vampire lying on the bed. Willow didn't know what she must look like; Xander had mentioned something about her looking scary when she did the Magicks. By the wide-eyed look on Angelus' face, she must be pretty frightening.

A giggle burbled up out of her mouth. She felt giddy. She almost didn't want to let go of this feeling, didn't want to release Angel's soul.

But she knew she had to. As amazing as it felt having Angel's soul inside her, she could feel that it didn't really belong there. She could feel it tugging away, trying to find its rightful home.

Willow's hand reached out. Angelus wriggled futilely trying to get out of her reach. To keep her from returning that abomination to this body and sending the demon into the ether for eternity.

"No!" he shouted. "No!"

Willow's hand touched the vampire's chest, covering the area where she had cut him. As soon as her palm touched his flesh, the Vampire let out a feral cry, body arching back.

Light exploded all around them. All they could see was the blinding golden glow as Angel's soul flowed from Willow's body back into his own. And for that split second the two were one. Joined together on a cosmic level.

Then, when Angel's soul was fully restored to him, the connection broke. The light went out.

And there was nothing but darkness.

**Thank you so much for reading! Like I said at the top I will try to update as quickly as possible. If you are in the mood, please drop me a review!**


	16. Happy accidents

**Chapter 16: Happy accidents**

Angel could hardly describe the emotion that was filling him at this moment; it was joy of the purest kind. It was love. It was... peace.

It had worked. The spell had worked. His soul was secure. His soul was his. The demon was banished forever and Angel was free.

He had never smiled so big; his lips were stretched ear to ear. The muscles of his face weren't used to the expression and his cheeks were throbbing from the strain. But Angel didn't care.

He was too happy.

Perfectly happy.

However the feeling didn't last long.

When he turned his head and saw Willow lying next to him, unconscious. Her face was completely devoid of colour and there were bite marks on her neck, blood streaks running from the wound. Angel's smile crumbled like a house of cards in a hurricane. Panic like he'd never known rose within him.

He moved to reach for Willow, but unfortunately his wrists were still bound from her spell. He struggled against them anyway.

"Willow!" he cried. God, what had he done? He never should have let her do this. "Willow, please, wake up!"

A small moan emanated from her lips and Angel relaxed a little. But only a little.

"Willow?" he said again, his voice gentler but still holding a frantic edge.

"Hm?" Willow mumbled, her body stirring. Slowly her eyes fluttered open. Angel thought those large green irises had never been so beautiful. A lazy, tired smile, stretched across Willow's lips. "Hey there, tiger," she murmured. Her voice sounded slurred, almost drunken.

A scowl formed between Angel's eyes. "Willow?" his voice was worried. "Are you all right?"

"Mm," she sighed in assent, her eyes slipping closed again. "I'm perfect. You?"

"Oh, I'm doing all right," Angel replied, still wary about Willow's behaviour. "Might be doing better though if I could move my arms."

"Hm?" Willow's brow crinkled in confusion. "Oh!" Her eyes snapped back open as she realised what he was talking about. She came alert and shot up to a sitting position. "Oh, right, sorry," she murmured sheepishly, a faint blush tinting her cheeks.

Angel was relieved to see a bit of colour come back to her face. "That's all right," he assured.

Willow waved her hand at the bonds and said the 'magic word' to undo the spell. Angel's hands fell free and he sighed.

"Ah," he moaned, rubbing his sore wrists. "That's much better." He reached out to Willow's neck, his fingertips hovering over her wound. "So, something you forgot to tell me about the ritual?" he asked, his face hard.

Willow bit her bottom lip, her eyes flicking down abashedly. "Erm, yeah, okay," she fumbled. "So, no, I didn't quite give you all the details, but that's because I thought maybe if you knew there had to be blood you wouldn't do it. I mean you were already so reluctant..." Her words trailed off as she looked up at Angel and saw his brows raised, his expression saying 'That's your excuse?'

"Well hey, it worked didn't it?" Willow defended. "You have your soul free and clear and can be as happy as you want, so stop with the broody and be happy, darn it!"

Angel tried to retain his stern expression, but his lips split into a wide grin. He couldn't help it. He was happy. Really and truly for the first time, in as long as he could remember.

It wasn't like how he had felt being with Buffy. He didn't understand now why he had even lost his soul then. Because if that had been perfect happiness, what he was experiencing now was something above nirvana. It couldn't even compare.

"I am happy, Willow," he assured her, cupping her cheek. "Thanks to you." He leaned in close to her and pressed his lips to hers. She breathed a sigh into his mouth as his touched hers. "But," Angel said breaking the kiss, "that doesn't mean I'm not still worried about your well being. I know how much magick can take out of someone and you were already feeling sick before. I was being selfish letting you do that spell before you were checked out by a doctor. And you were right, if I'd known that bloodletting was involved, I definitely would have postponed having you perform it."

"But, I'm totally feeling better," Willow argued. "Whatever bug I had, I think it's passed."

Angel shook his head. "You promised me you were going to go to the doctor, and I'm going to hold you to it."

Willow sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll make an appointment." Her lips curved in an impish smile. "Later." She perched up on her knees and leaned over toward Angel. "But for right now, why don't we take advantage of your newfound freedom?"

Angel took hold of Willow's shoulders, in a deft move, he flipped her onto her back. "Oh, trust me, we are going to explore the many benefits of my soul being secure – just as soon as you go to the doctor and are given a clean bill of health. Until then..." He bent his head, burying his face in the crook of Willow's neck.

Willow's hand raised up to the back of Angel's head and she threaded her fingers in his hair as he nuzzled her neck. She moaned as Angel raised his head to her ear, his lips brushing against it as he murmured. "Until then, I think its best you avoid any strenuous physical activity." With that he lifted himself off of her and rolled onto his back.

Willow huffed and pouted. "That's the thanks I get for giving you a permanent soul?" she spluttered. "That's just cruel. It's evil! You know, I'm beginning to second guess whether the spell actually worked. I don't think you have a soul right now at all, mister."

Angel chuckled darkly. "Trust me, Willow," he began, "if I didn't have my soul intact, you'd know it." He leaned over and kissed her shoulder. "You've just given me the most amazing gift – and I'm not just talking about the soul. The happiness that I'm feeling right now is all because of you. Because I'm here with you. I just gained so much. I'm not taking any chances about losing them. I just want to know that you're okay."

"I don't believe you," Willow replied. "I think you're just paying me back for working you up so much before."

Angel chuckled again. "Oh, I plan to pay you back. But this isn't it." He ran his fingers along the inside of her thigh. Willow shivered. "If you want to find out how, then you better get that doctor's note."

Willow pressed her lips together. She huffed and bolted up from the bed.

"Where're you going?" Angel asked.

Willow looked back over her shoulder at him. "To get my cell phone. I have a doctor's appointment to make."

Angel smiled as she bent over desperately rummaging through the pockets of her discarded jeans. "Willow, it's four in the morning. I don't think the doctor's office is open yet."

"Well, what am I supposed to do until they open?"

"You could get back in bed," Angel suggested.

Willow's forehead wrinkled. "But I thought you said– "

Angel held up a hand to cut her off. "I'm not going to make love to you."

"Oh? Well then what exactly would be the point of me getting back in bed with you then?" Willow countered crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well..." Angel drawled. "I could hold you," he proposed in a soft, almost shy tone in his voice.

Willow melted. Her lips pulled up in a smile and a blush tinted her cheeks. She ducked her head down and tucked some hair behind her ear. "Well, I guess that could be kinda nice," she said and climbed back into the bed.

Angel wrapped his arms around Willow and she rested her head on his chest. Angel dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "It's more than nice," he murmured. "It's perfect."

oOoOoOo

Willow had practically floated all the way back to 1600 Revello drive; she had stayed in bed with Angel for hours not wanting to move. And she wouldn't have if he hadn't been such a stickler about her making a doctor's appointment. She was able to make one for late in the morning. Which was good because she needed to go home and shower and change first.

She climbed up the steps of the back porch – figuring she'd be less likely to disturb anyone if they were still sleeping. She had just put her hand on the doorknob when she caught sight of her reflection in the window.

_Yikes!_

Willow's eyes went round seeing the bite marks on her neck. They didn't look too pretty. But at least Angel had licked the blood off. Willow almost moaned recalling how good that had felt. But she shook herself and concentrated. She swept her hair to the left side of her neck to cover the marks.

She frowned.

It looked kinda obvious; like she was trying to cover a hickey. Which she was in a sense – a hickey from hell.

_Oh well,_ she thought. It would have to do until she was able to perform a glamour. But she was too drained at the moment to do even that simple form of magick. Maybe after she showered and had a cup of coffee she would feel more up to it.

Her stomach rumbled as she caught the scent of pancakes cooking.

_Dawnie must be up, _she figured. She hoped that the girl had made enough for two as Willow was suddenly ravenous.

She plastered on a smile and twisted the doorknob. "Morning, Dawnie," she carolled as she breezed inside. Her stomach and smile both dropped when she saw that it was in fact, not Dawn standing by the stove. "T-tara?" she stammered mouth going dry. She wasn't so hungry anymore. "What're you doing here? Not that you shouldn't be here," she hastened. "You have every right to be. I just didn't expect..."

"I stayed with Dawnie last night," Tara murmured. "When you and Buffy didn't come home."

"Oh," Willow replied. "That's good. I mean not that we didn't come home, but that you were around to stay with her. I'm sorry, I should've called. I just lost track of time– " Willow's excuse cut off when she noticed the strange way Tara was looking at her; her big blue eyes filled with confusion and pain. So much pain.

Willow's hand automatically went up to her neck afraid that the bite marks were showing. But it wasn't her neck Tara was looking at. Or her face for that matter. The other witch seemed to be looking at something around her.

Willow licked her lips nervously. "Tara, what is it?"

"What did you...?" her voice was distant and distracted. She suddenly snapped her eyes away from Willow's direction. "I should go," she announced abruptly.

"You don't have to," Willow said taking an entreating step forward.

"I have to," Tara snapped, then added in her usual soft voice, "I-I have a class." She quickly whirled around and dashed out of the kitchen.

Willow stared after her former lover with an ache in her chest, wondering what it had been that had freaked Tara out so much. She knew it was more than just the sight of her after everything.

Had she sensed the magick around Willow?

The smell of smoke burned in Willow's nostrils, snapping her out of her reverie. "Oh crap!" she cried seeing the cloud of smoke forming over the burning pancakes. She rushed over to the stove and turned it off, waving her arms over the smoke. It stung her eyes causing tears to form – or at least that's why she told Dawn she was crying when the girl wondered into the kitchen wanting to know what was going on.

oOoOoOo

A wide smile spread across Angel's face as he tasted a hint of magick in the air. He unfolded himself from the chair he was sitting in and closed the book he was reading. He rose and started for the foyer to greet the witch. His steps stuttered in the hallway as the scent strengthened and he realised it wasn't _his_ witch.

His brow pulled into a frown and he continued on in curiosity.

"Hello," he said coolly to the young blond woman standing in his living room. He hadn't ever actually met her, but knew well who she was.

"Y-you're Angel, aren't you?" she said confused, as though he was not the person she expected to see despite having come to his home. "B-Buffy's Angel."

"Just Angel actually," he replied. "And you're Tara."

"You know who I am?" she asked, surprised.

"I've seen you before," he said enigmatically. "And I've heard about you."

"From Willow." It wasn't a question.

"Yes." Angel crossed his arms over his chest. "Listen, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but what is it you're doing here?"

Tara swallowed thickly. "I d-did a spell. A variation on a normal locator spell," she told him. "I saw Willow this morning and she..." The girl closed her eyes and licked her lips. "She was different. I had to know." Tara slowly opened her eyes and looked at Angel like he was something beyond comprehension.

Angel wasn't the squeamish sort; but there was something about the way this girl was looking at him that made him uneasy. It was like she could see through him.

"It's the same," she said in hushed awe. "You're aura. It's the same as Willow's – well not exactly, but..." She shook her head. "I don't understand. What did she do?"

Angel wasn't quite sure what the aura comment meant, but he did have an idea about what she was getting at. "A spell," he told her. "To make my soul permanent. There was a clause in my curse–"

"I've heard the story," Tara murmured. "It must have been a serious spell – to be able to alter both of your auras," she went on in a stronger, almost angry tone. "Willow is addicted to magick; she shouldn't be messing with that kind of stuff right now."

Angel chuckled acerbically. "So it's all right for you to use magick to find me, but it isn't all right for Willow to do a spell so that she and I can be together?" He folded his arms over his chest. "Are you sure Willow's addicted to magick, or maybe you're just intimidated by how gifted she is? Far more gifted than you. The power coming off of you isn't even a fraction of what she contains," he spat.

"I'm not jealous of Willow's power," Tara contended. "I'm proud of her gift. But, it's dangerous for her to be relying on magick for every little thing."

"Well, what's between me and Willow is no little thing," Angel returned and he could smell the salt of the girl's tears when he said the words. He felt guilty because he was trying to hurt her with them; to throw it in her face that Willow was his now.

"I just want what's best for her," Tara whispered.

"Well, in that we have something in common," Angel remarked, his voice softer.

Tara looked up at him, her big, shiny blue eyes full of sadness and resignation. "You love her." It wasn't a question.

Angel nodded. "I do. With all my soul."

"And she loves you."

Angel shrugged. "I'm not sure about that," he said. "I hope she does."

"She does," Tara maintained.

Silence descended for a moment.

"Take care of her," Tara pleaded.

"I will," Angel assured. "With everything I have."

Tara nodded and without saying another word, turned to leave.

"I'm sorry," Angel called out, halting her.

Tara looked back at him with a question on her face.

"I'm not sorry about what happened with me and Willow," he amended. "But I am sorry for how. And I'm sorry that you were hurt and I know Willow is too. It's been tearing her up knowing how much pain she caused you."

"Apparently not enough for her not to keep doing it," Tara replied sadly, then once again turned and left the mansion.

oOoOo

Willow hated the going to the doctor. She always felt awkward when their cold hands (why are doctor's hands always so cold anyway?) poked and prodded around on her. And having to laugh at their bad jokes – she was always terrible at fake laughter. And she hated waiting alone in the sterile examination room; she never knew what to do with herself as she sat on the cushy examination table with the white paper crinkling under her with every move. And she always blushed at the diagram about prostate health.

And mostly, she hated having to wear this oversized napkin excuse for a hospital gown with her hiney hanging out. At least she got to keep her underwear on though.

Two swift knocks sounded at the door and Willow immediately straightened. The door opened and Dr. Shapiro's head poked in.

"Hello, Willow," he greeted with a big smile, sweeping into the room and closing the door behind him.

Willow smiled politely in turn. "Hello, Dr. Shapiro."

"Long time, no see," the doctor remarked. "Though I suppose under the circumstances that's a good thing."

Willow chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"I played golf with your father last Saturday," he informed.

"Oh yeah?" Willow replied politely. It was no surprise, the doctor and her father had been golf buddies for years. "That's nice."

"Ira said that you didn't have a boyfriend," Dr. Shapiro said. "A girl as pretty as you, I find that hard to believe – though I suppose you're awfully busy with your studies; you always were a smart girl."

"Well..." Willow drawled nervously. She wasn't sure which issue to tackle first; the fact that the reason she hadn't had a boyfriend was because she'd been involved with another girl the past year – or that her studies weren't much of an issue right now because she hadn't been to class in weeks. In the end she didn't have to elaborate on either topic because Dr. Shapiro went on babbling.

"You've always been like my Joel in that way," he said. "Always more concerned with schoolwork than dating – that's probably why he hasn't found himself a girl yet either. He just graduated from MIT you know," he informed.

"Oh, wow. That's great," Willow commented.

"Yeah, yeah," Dr. Shapiro murmured. "He just moved back out here – well, L.A., that is. Got some big, fancy job."

"Hm mm," Willow murmured.

"You know," Dr. Shapiro said as if an idea just occurred to him. "Joel's coming down on the weekend for dinner – I was just talking with your dad about he and your mom coming over – why don't you tag along? I know that Joel would love to see you."

"Uh... Well, you know, that sounds really swell," Willow stammered. "But, I'm not sure how I'm going to feeling – you know, since I've been sick and all," she nudged, trying to get back to the reason she was here in the first place; for medical attention, not matchmaking.

"Oh, yes. Sure, sure," the doctor agreed. He picked up her chart. "Let's see what's going on here then, shall we? So we can get you feeling better."

"Sounds good to me," said Willow.

Dr. Shapiro scanned her chart. "So, you've been nauseous for a couple of weeks..."

"Off and on," Willow interjected.

"Fatigued..."

"Well, yeah, but that's because I haven't been sleeping well."

"Hm," he murmured. "Well, I see we ran some lab work," he looked up and smiled, "let's check and see what that tells us." He flipped through the chart a bit. "Okay, let see here... Well, it looks like you're a bit anemic – that would explain the tiredness..."

Willow's cheeks heated thinking about why she was probably anemic – Angelus' biting her.

"Oh!" Dr. Shapiro said, sounding alarmed.

Willow immediately filled with panic. "'Oh' what? What is it?"

The doctor cleared his throat and closed the chart. "Erm, well, it would appear, Miss Rosenberg," he began, his tone much more formal than he had ever used with her before, "that you are pregnant."

The world began to spin underneath her and everything blurred out of focus. Willow had to clutch the sides of the examination table for balance.

This couldn't be – it wasn't possible!

She shook her head from side to side.

"N-no, that can't be right," she insisted. "The test must be wrong. It's not possible."

"It's an extremely accurate test, Miss Rosenberg," the doctor informed. "The occasion for false negatives are…rare."

"Well this is a rare case!" she exclaimed. "I can't be pregnant! It's not possible." This couldn't be. Why did he keep saying she was pregnant – and why the hell was he suddenly calling her Miss Rosenberg?

"Well, we can run the test again," he hedged. "But, I'm pretty sure it will have the same results."

"No! You're not listening," she said, frantic. "It is not possible for me to be pregnant," she repeated again, slowly.

Dr. Shapiro pursed his lips. "Do you mean you haven't engaged in any sexual activity?" he wondered.

Willow blushed. "N-no," she stammered. "I mean, yes, I... have. But– "

"You know even when practicing safe sex, there is chance of pregnancy," he lectured.

"Right, no. I know that." She licked her lips. "But, you see, the guy that I... you know, well, he can't have children. He's a va- uh, I mean he, uh had a vasectomy. Yeah, that's it."

Dr. Shapiro's face suddenly softened in a look of sympathy. "Let me ask you something, Willow; This man you had intercourse with, was he older?"

"Oh yeah," she blurted. "I mean, yes. So?"

"Well, unfortunately, some older men prey on younger, impressionable women. They tell them things that aren't always true, to get... what they want from them."

"Oh," she muttered absently. "Oh! No, Angel isn't – I mean it wasn't like that. I know he isn't lying about... his circumstances."

The doctor sighed. "All right," he said. "Well, it's rare, but sometimes the procedure doesn't always take– "

"Trust me," Willow butted in, "it took."

"Well, okay. Like I said, we can run the test again if that's what you want."

"It is," Willow insisted.

"Okay," said Shapiro. "I'll put in the order. Sit tight."

Willow did as she was told and waited.

What seamed like a million hours later, Dr. Shapiro came back in with the results of the new test – they were the same as the first.

_TBC..._


	17. Mother issues

**Fic title: Shattered**

**Summary: In their grief over Buffy's death, Willow and Angel turn to each other. One moment of solace changes thing forever.**

**Fandom: BTVS**

**Chapter: 17/?**

**Pairing: Willow/Angel **

**A/N: Big thanks to for being an awesome beta!**

**Disclaimer: I own no rights to these characters.**

**Feedback: Please! Concrit greatly appreciated. **

**Chapter 17: Mother issues**

1It certainly hadn't taken long for the happy expression Angel had woken up with to revert back to his signature perennial frown. Ever since his unexpected visit from Tara, he had been wondering about the spell Willow had performed.

He knew she hadn't been completely honest with him about it. But had she known about it being powerful enough to alter their auras? And just what did that mean anyway? He also couldn't help but think about what Tara had said about Willow being addicted to magick. He had accused her of being jealous. He didn't want to believe that Willow had a problem. But, in all honesty, Tara would know far better about it than he would–and not just because she was a witch herself; she had been in a relationship with Willow for a long time. As much as Angel didn't like the idea, Tara knew Willow better than he did, despite him having known her longer.

Angel wanted to kick himself for not paying more attention to Willow in the beginning. He didn't know how it was possible that he'd never noticed how special she was in all that time. But, then again, a lot of things became clearer in hindsight. As someone that had been around for over two centuries, Angel was well aware that this old adage was true; he had a lot of things in his rearview he could see more clearly now that he couldn't before.

He was also attuned to the unfortunate fact that one couldn't change the past. So it was better to focus on the problems at present to keep things from getting worse in the future.

_So if Willow really does have a problem with magick, I'll help her fix it,_ he resolved. _We'll get through it together. Because now we can. We can get through anything as long as we're together..._

The grooves between Angel's brows deepened as he thought on what other obstacles he and Willow might be facing. Her doctor's appointment was hours ago–she was supposed to come straight to the mansion afterward and tell him what happened. That she wasn't here by now led Angel's mind into a dark place.

Angel let out a sigh as he snatched up his cell phone and checked to see that it was working–in case she had tried to phone him. The phone was fine–she just hadn't called.

_Of course, no-one ever calls when I want them to call. The only time this damn thing ever rings is when I'm in the middle of other things_.

He groaned and tossed the useless object onto the bed and took to stomping about the mansion.

If Willow didn't show up soon, he was going to go looking for her–daylight or not. It may have been awhile since he'd navigated the tunnels of Sunnydale, but he was sure he could still manage to find his way around.

Willow had left the doctor's office in a daze–and with a prescription for antenatal vitamins the doctor told her to get filled right away.

She had gone to the pharmacy on auto-pilot and waited in line with the chicken scrawled slip of paper in her hand.

"May I help you?" The woman behind the counter asked as Willow stepped up to the window.

She looked down at the paper in her hand; her brows pulled together in confusion as she tried to decipher what the heck Dr. Shapiro had written. She didn't know how anybody ever got the right medication if all doctor's had such bad penmanship.

"Miss?" The pharmacist prompted.

Willow blinked and raised her eyes to the woman's expectant face.

"I..." Willow began, starting to hand her the prescription. She stopped, pulling her arm back and stuffing the slip of paper in her pocket.

_No,_ her head said. _This can't be right. I can't be pregnant_. _It's a mistake. I know it._

"Yes?" The pharmacist asked. "What can I do for you?"

Willow licked her lips. "I, uh...I need a pregnancy test," she told her. "A bunch of 'em–one of each brand."

The pharmacist eyebrows rose. "One of each?"

Willow nodded vigorously. "Hm mm. Yes."

"You know that there really isn't all that much difference between one or the other...except for maybe price," she told Willow.

"Don't care," Willow asserted. "Just give me all you've got."

"All right," the pharmacist drawled and turned to go fill Willow's request.

Willow stopped by a Seven-Eleven and bought two Big Gulps. She carried them in her hands and the brown paper-bag with the tests under her arm. She slurped down one of the soft drinks while she walked, keeping the straw perpetually to her lips so she could finish it as soon as possible.

After it was gone she chucked it and started on the next one. It was halfway finished when she made it to her destination.

She swung through the doors in a rush, her bladder full and ready to be emptied. She dug out her wallet and slapped it down on the counter.

"I need a room please," she desperately told the man behind the check-in desk as she did a little dance in the lobby. "Now!"

Ten minutes later Willow was still bouncing around anxiously, but not because she needed a bathroom; her call of nature had already been put in.

It was because any second now the first batch of test sticks she had peed on would be ready.

She bit her nails. Immediately her mother's voice admonished her in her head for the bad habit. She whipped her hand down from her mouth and shoved them both deep into her pockets.

A muffled beeping sounded a second later; Willow had set her wristwatch to go off when it was time to check the results.

Willow jumped at the noise, not recognising what it was at first.

She began to bite her lip as she looked off toward the bathroom where the sticks were waiting. She slowly inched forward, but stopped to whirl around and crossed back over to the bed. She picked up the empty packages and needlessly re-read the instructions for the hundredth time.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before turning and heading back toward the bathroom.

_Okay, come on blue line, come on blue line. Blue line, blue line._ She repeated the mantra over and over in her head as if it might actually do anything to sway the outcome.

She closed her eyes as she picked up the test.

_Blue line, blue line._

She opened her eyes.

She let out a cry as she looked at the little panel.

"No!" She dropped the stick as though it had burned her and frantically began checking the other three she had used. They were all the same.

Willow fell to her knees and began to sob.

Now she understood why vampires hated crosses so much.

Willow had been in a numb state ever since she'd stopped sobbing about her predicament and picked herself up off the bathroom floor in the seedy hotel room— after which she immediately scrubbed her hands thoroughly, not wanting to even think about what type of unseen elements she might have come in contact with. Once she was finished she knew she now had to tell Angel. She was still unsure of how she was going to explain things to him. She didn't really even understand what was happening herself—or how it had happened.

She would have thought something like this was impossible—a part of her still wanted to. But if she learned one thing living on a Hellmouth, it should be that nothing is impossible.

She had made her way to the mansion taking the scenic route and had still ended up on Crawford Street much sooner than she would have liked.

She didn't know exactly how long she had been standing outside looking up at the mansion, but the sun had still been bright when she arrived and now the sky was gloaming.

The place still gave her the wiggins; she put her hands over her nervous stomach.

She looked down in at her mid-section, wondering now if that flutter really was nerves, or something else.

The reality came crashing down so abruptly Willow found herself grasping at the air for something to hold onto.

_Oh god, I'm pregnant,_ her mind reeled._ There is a baby inside of me. A person the size of a walnut. And in a few months, it's going to grow to the size of a watermelon and then..._

_Oh god._

Willow bent forward putting her hands on her knees as she gulped for air, trying to get a hold on the overwhelming dizziness that had hit her.

Willow had never really given much thought to motherhood before–she was still so young. When she was with Oz, she had remarked something about growing old and having a litter with him; but that had mostly been a joke. Any thoughts of children had been merely peripheral and not something Willow figured she'd give any real consideration to until a long time down the road.

She didn't know how to be a mother; it's not like her own mother had been a very stellar role model on how to be a good one. If anything, Sheila Rosenberg's parenting style was an example of what not to do. She had been absent most of the time and disinterested in Willow as an individual in favour of analysing the psyche of her peers as a group.

Willow didn't want to be like Sheila.

She wanted to be the kind of mother that was there for her child, who would love and comfort them without breaking down every tiny aspect of their problems to probe incessantly.

She wanted to be the kind of mother that would take their child into their arms and hug them and stroke their hair and tell them everything was going to be all right, even if it wasn't.

The kind of mother that Joyce Summers had been.

Buffy's mom had shown Willow more affection in the four years she had known her, than her own had in her whole life. She had often guiltily found herself wishing that Joyce had been her real mother.

Willow felt a wrenching pain rising in her chest as she thought about the woman who had been almost a surrogate mother to her at times. She quickly squelched the ache away. She couldn't let herself go down that road when she had such important issues to deal with right now.

She had to tell Angel he was going to be a daddy.

_Oh boy._

Willow's head went all swoon-y again.

Angel was going to be a father. Angel. The _vampire_.

_Oh god._ Willow's eyes went wide with a new horror.

The baby was going to be half-vampire. What if it inherited certain _characteristics_ from its father?

Willow's hands went unconsciously to her chest as she envisioned what could be some very uncomfortable breastfeeding's.

_Stop it,__ Willow,_ she admonished herself. _You're being ridiculous!_ _You don't know that's there is anything to worry about._

_Other than the fact that you're carrying the spawn of the undead, that is._

A whimper escaped from Willow's mouth.

_Oh god, this can't be happening._

_But it is._ _So suck it up._

Willow took a breath and put on her Resolve Face and started toward the entrance of the mansion.

"Angel?" she called out.

"I was wondering when you were going to come inside." His voice answered from the corner.

Willow whirled around toward him. "Oh. How did you know I was out there?"

Angel just raised his eyebrows like the answer should be obvious.

"Oh. Right. Vampire. You're all extra-sensory."

"So... You want to tell me why you were so nervous about coming in?" Angel asked, worry filling his dark eyes. "Is it about your doctor's visit?"

"Um..." Willow's throat was suddenly very dry. She swallowed to try and moisten it a little to no avail. "Uh, yeah, actually."

"It's serious?"

Willow licked her lips and nodded.

Angel felt like his heart had just been ripped out of his chest. Why was this happening? Was it part of his punishment? Now that he had his soul free and clear, the Powers That Be were taking away the one thing that made it worth having in the first place.

"We'll get through this," he averred. "Whatever the problem, we can face it." He crossed the room and took Willow into his arms. "We can do it together," he murmured as he stroked her hair, the sting of tears hitting his eyes.

"Oh!" Willow exclaimed, understanding dawning on her. "No, Angel. God no." She pulled back from him. "It's not like that. I'm mean, I'm not sick."

Angel looked down at her, confused. "But, you said it was serious–"

"It is," Willow maintained. "It's life-changing serious, but in a different way than what you're thinking. I'm not dying or anything."

The relief that flooded off Angel was palpable. "Oh, thank god," he gushed, taking Willow into his arms again and holding her tight – too tight.

"O-okay," Willow said, patting his back. "I'm glad that you're glad I'm okay and all, but kinda needing the oxygen here."

Angel immediately eased his hold on her.

"Sorry." He pulled back and cupped her face in his hands. "Just got a bit carried away. I'm just relieved that you're okay." He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips.

A muffled sob broke from Willow's throat.

Angel pulled away and cradled her face in his hands again. "Hey," he prodded softly, earnestly. "What is it? What did the doctor say? What's wrong?"

Willow bit down on her trembling bottom lip.

"Oh god! I don't understand how it could have happened!" she cried. "It's not possible! But it's true."

"Willow," Angel said steadily, his hands gripping gently onto her shoulders. "Tell me."

Willow looked up at him, her big eyes luminous with tears. "Angel, I'm– " Her voice broke and she shook her head.

Angel put his hands to the sides of her face again. "Hey," he cajoled. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay. Like I said, we'll get through it together. Okay?" He stroked her cheek, wiping away stray tears with the pad of his thumb.

Willow nodded and looked up at him again.

"Angel," she began again, then took a deep breath, "I'm pregnant."

Angel's hands dropped down to his sides and he took a stumbling step back, his vision going out of focus.

"You're... How could you...?"

Willow's forehead crinkled in worry.

"Angel?"

Angel's head snapped to look at her; his face was the perfect picture of shock.

"Angel?" Willow said again, taking a step forward.

"I... Pregnant?"

Willow nodded.

"Oh," Angel muttered, then fell face first onto the floor.

"Angel!" Willow shrieked and rushed to kneel down by him.

With much effort, she rolled him onto his back and lifted his head up onto her lap. She stroked his hair and patted him lightly on the cheek.

"Angel?" she tried, but he didn't react.

_Well, I guess vampires do faint._

TBC…


	18. She's having a baby

**Fic title: Shattered**

**Summary: After Buffy's funeral, Willow and Angel turn to each other in their grief. One night changes everything**

**Chapter: 18/?**

**Pairing: Willow/Angel**

**Beta: Iwillnotyeild. Thank you so much, sweetie!**

**A/N: I'm sorry about the long wait on this chapter. I promise it won't take as long for the next one. I would also like to say that this fic has been nominated at the absence of light awards. Yay! So, thank you so much to whoever it was that nominated me!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any of the characters therein.**

**Feedback: Always gratefully appreciated! **

1"Angel, come on wake up." The anxiety in Willow's voice grew with every word the longer the vampire remained unresponsive. Willow patted the side of Angel's face, just a little bit harder than she had the previous time. "Please, please wake up," she begged, but Angel didn't stir.

_Oh god_.

If vampires could faint, did that mean they could lapse into comas as well?

Willow frowned as she looked down at the somnolent vampire. She sighed, setting back on her heels and bit her bottom lip. A knot of premature guilt twisted in her stomach. "I'm really sorry about this," she said to Angel, then putting on her Resolve face, she reached her hand back and slapped Angel as hard as she could. "Angel, wake up!" she yelled loud enough to wake the dead...at least she hoped.

A small groan sounded from him and Willow released the breath she was holding. She slumped slightly as the tension left her body.

"Oh thank goddess," she murmured.

Angel's eyes slowly cracked open. He squinted up at Willow's worried face looking down on him. He blinked a few times to clear his vision. "Willow?" he mumbled confusedly. "What happened?"

"Uh... you don't remember?" Willow asked, nervous. It was hard enough telling Angel the first time, she didn't want to have to do it again.

Angel's brow knitted and he let out a grunt as he pulled himself up to sitting position. "You came here to tell me what happened with the doctor," he began.

Willow nodded that he was on the right track.

"I asked you what he said and you told me..." Angel's face blanched as the memory came back to him. "You're pregnant?"

Willow nodded again, this time her head bowed, her hair drawing a curtain over her face.

"How could you be...?" Angel began to ask, but stopped. His expression turned hard, a cold look clouding his coffee coloured eyes. "Who is he?" he asked bluntly.

Willow's head snapped up at his tone, confusion was written clearly on her face and in her eyes. "Who's who?"

A hallow chuckle sounded from Angel as he swept himself easily to his feet and took a few steps back.

"Oh come on, Willow," he said. "There had to have been someone else if you're pregnant."

Pain filled Willow's eyes as she looked up at Angel's accusing glare. "You think I slept with another guy?"

"Well, I can't be the father now, can I?" he rejoined. "And it certainly wasn't Tara, so...What else am I suppose to believe?"

Willow's mouth was left hanging open, stunned by Angel's accusation. She closed it, clenching her teeth together and pressing her lips in a tight line as she stood up and crossed the divide Angel had put between them. The hurt look in her eyes had been replaced with burning outrage. All the remorse she had felt at having to slap him to wake him up subsided—she only wished she could have hit him harder. She settled now for poking him in the chest.

"How dare you?" she cried, so full of anger that her body shook. "How can you even think such a thing? Don't you know how much it killed me betraying Tara by being with you? Do you honestly think that I would add to that pain by sleeping with someone else? Gee, thanks a lot for having such a high opinion of me." Willow's chin quivered. She brushed her finger over her cheek to wipe away the tears that had escaped.

Angel heart wrenched seeing the pain he had caused in Willow's eyes. Apparently getting rid of the demon didn't mean Angel couldn't be a bastard all on his own. How could he doubt Willow for even a second? She was the most loyal person he had ever known.

"Willow, I'm sorry," he said, contrition clear in his voice. He put up a hand to touch her face and she stepped back out of his reach. Angel winced, her reaction stinging more than the slaps she had issued to him earlier when trying to rouse him. He dropped his hand and looked down, ashamed. "I'm so sorry," he repeated. "I shouldn't have said that. I just... Well, try to understand where I'm coming from here Willow. You just told me that you're pregnant. Given the situation that shouldn't be possible, it's perfectly reasonable for me to wonder."

"You don't think that I know how impossible this situation is?" Willow asked. "Hello, I have the impossibility growing inside of me right now! You think that you're confused? Well join the back of the queue on that one, pal, 'cause I'm way ahead of ya." Willow crossed her arms over her chest, her jaw setting.

Angel sighed. "You're right. I was out of line," he conceded. "What I'm feeling must be even more difficult for you considering your position. I'm sorry, Willow." He put extra emphasis on the words this time, a slight pleading in his tone.

Willow took a breath, sniffing back tears, and nodded her head. "It's okay. I know it must have come as a shock. Maybe I overreacted. This has just been a really trying day, ya know? I'm still processing."

"I understand," Angel said. "It's... a lot to process." There was a pause. "Willow...are you absolutely certain about this? I mean, could there have been some kind of mistake? Maybe—"

Willow cut off his line of thinking with a shake of her head. "There's no mistake. I thought there must have been too at first, so I had Dr. Shapiro do the test again. Still positive. And even after that I couldn't believe so I took a bunch of home pregnancy test; same results. So it's pretty conclusive."

Angel's brow drew in pensively. "I just don't understand... Vampire's can't procreate. Not the way humans do anyway. If we want progeny, we make them by turning someone."

"Yeah, I know," Willow said. "I remember doing some research on the subject back when I first found out about vampires. And when you and Buffy were..." Willow's words trailed off with a wince. Her emotions were on overload enough at the moment without bringing up the best friend whose ex-soul mate Willow was sleeping with.

_And whose baby I'm carrying_.

Willow's head spun. A wave of dizziness hitting her. She closed her eyes and rode it out.

"Are you okay?" Angel's concerned voice broke in.

Willow nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine," she assured. "I mean, except for the fact that I'm not at all fine, that is."

Angel frowned. He didn't like seeing Willow in distress like this. He stepped toward her again, inwardly sighing with relief when she didn't back away, and put his arms around her.

Willow allowed Angel to pull her into his embrace and rested her head on the solid wall of his chest, her own arms going around him in return.

"It'll be okay," Angel told her. His confident tone belying his own doubts that he was feeling. "We'll get through this. Together."

Willow closed her eyes, tears spilling. The way Angel said it, she could almost believe him. Almost.

After a moment of holding Willow, Angel pulled back a bit so that he could look down at her. "Can I try something?"

Willow's brow furrowed. "What?"

Angel moved his hand down and slipped it underneath the hem of Willow's shirt.

"Okay, not that I don't want to, but I don't really think now is the time—oh." Willow stopped her demurral when she realized what Angel was doing. He laid his palm flat against her belly, _feeling_. Willow watched Angel's face with bated breath as the grooves between his eyes deepened and he pressed his lips together. His hand was roaming slightly over her lower abdomen, suddenly it stopped and Angel's eyes flashed.

"What?" Willow asked, her heart in her throat. Angel didn't answer, instead dropping down to his knees and replacing his hand with the side of his face, pressing his ear against Willow's stomach.

"Oh my god..." he said, his voice an awed whisper. .

"What? What is it?" There was a note of panic to Willow's voice now.

"It's... I think it's a..."

"A what? What?" Willow demanded.

Angel pulled back and looked up at her. "I think it's a heart beat."

"Really?" Willow squeaked. Suddenly Willow found herself jealous of Angel's heightened hearing. She should be able to hear it too.

_A heart beat._

Did that mean it wasn't a vampire then? Did it mean it was a human baby after all?

No. How many times had Willow witnessed Buffy rip out the heart of a demon and it still be beating.

Heart beat didn't equal human.

The sobering reality of the situation hit Willow again and she stepped back, pulling her shirt down.

"Willow?" Angel rose to his feet. "What's the matter?"

"What's the matter? Is that a serious question? 'Cause, I thought the matter was pretty obvious. I'm pregnant Angel!" she yelled as though it were necessary to remind him. "With god knows what! I think that's a pretty big matter. You have no idea what I'm going through. How could you? No one could. Except maybe Cordelia," she added as an afterthought remembering the ex-cheerleader telling her about her brush with paranormal pregnancy. As she recalled more details about Cordelia had said about the demon spawn she had been impregnated with, the more Willow's head spun. Vertigo overwhelmed her and she swayed on her feet.

Angel was at her side in an instant to catch her. "Willow?"

"I think I need to sit down," she said.

"Here." Angel guided her over to the sofa and eased her down. "Is there anything you need?"

"Answers would be nice," Willow replied.

"I was thinking more along the lines of water," Angel replied.

Willow shook her head. "No, thank you." Willow sat back on the sofa, bringing her hand to her mouth and biting her nails.

Angel put a tentative hand on her knee. "We will get answers, Willow. I promise." The worried glance Willow flicked his way, told Angel that she doubted his surety. He sighed. "I can call Wesley. He can get started on looking. He has resources."

Willow suddenly shot forward and grabbed Angel's arm. "You mean you're going to tell him? About...everything?" Her voice was high pitched with anxiety.

Angel's brow furrowed. "Well... yeah. That was kind of the idea. What's wrong?"

"Well, if you tell him, then he'll, you know, _know_," Willow fretted.

Angel cleared his throat, delicately. "Yes, there's a chance that if I tell Wes what's going on that he'll figure it out—he's smart like that."

Willow's lips pinched and she narrowed her eyes at Angel. Now was not the time for levity. "You've been around for over two centuries and you choose now to find your sense of humour? Great timing."

Angel rubbed a hand over his brow. He was out of his depth here. All he was trying to do was make Willow feel better, but he couldn't. He felt helpless. "You want answers right?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, then Wesley is our best chance of getting them," Angel said. "As familiar as you and I might be with mystical forces, neither of us has the kind of education that a Watcher does. We can't do this completely on our own. I don't see what other option we have. Unless..."

Willow gave Angel a wary glance. "Unless what?"

"Well, there is one other Watcher that we know, and he happens to be right here in Sunnydale."

Willow's eyes popped. "Giles?" she squeaked. She shook her head from side to side. "No! No way. We cannot tell Giles."

"Yeah. I thought you would react that way," Angel said. And if Willow wasn't convinced enough yet, Angel took a more blunt approach. "Besides, we are going to have to tell people sooner or later anyway. It's only a matter of time now before you start to show, right?"

At Angel's words, Willow placed a hand on her belly and looked down. She could almost feel her stomach growing beneath her palm, picture her skin stretching. Willow slammed her eyes closed, hoping to erase the imagery. The changes in store for her body were the least of her worries. It was just all too much. She was unbelievably overwhelmed by it all. She didn't have the first clue about how to deal with any of it.

Willow bent forward, propping her elbows on her knees, she placed her head in her hands and began to sob.

Angel's heart twisted in his chest. He moved from where he sat perched on the edge of the coffee table across from Willow, and sat by her side, gathering her up in his arms.

"Shh, baby, we'll get through this," he murmured. "As long as we're together we can get through anything." Angel surprised himself by just how true his words sounded. But they just felt right. "And, hey, if I call Wesley now, who knows, he might even have answers waiting for us by the time we get to L.A."

Willow's sobs cut off abruptly with a loud sniffle, and she pulled back from Angel. She gave him a confused look through tear-filled eyes. "What do you mean by the time we get to L.A.? We're going to L.A.?"

"Of course we are," Angel said, slightly confused. "I thought we already talked about this."

"Well, talked, yes, we did. But, decided? Well, I don't quite remember having gotten that far."

"I'm not sure what could be left to decide," Angel replied. "You coming to L.A. just makes the most sense. Especially now. With the baby on the way. Do you really want to raise a child on the Hellmouth?"

"First of all, I was raised on the Hellmouth, and I turned out just fine," Willow argued. _Or at least I always thought I had, until recently. _"And, second of all, are you seriously going to sit there and tell me that your life in Los Angeles is any safer than mine is here?"

Angel pressed his lips together, not arguing. How could he?

"That's what I thought," Willow said.

Angel sighed. "All right, so maybe it isn't technically any safer in L.A. than it is here, but at least in L.A. we'll be together. I'll be able to protect you and the baby there."

"God, would you stop that!" Willow suddenly shouted.

Angel was taken about by the outburst. "What? What did I do?"

"All the baby talk," Willow said. "It's driving me nuts. We still have no idea if whatever I'm carrying _is_ a baby. I'm pregnant under very strange, mystical circumstances Angel, there are a lot of things to rule out first before you have us decorate a nursery. I mean, how can you be so calm about all of this. I'm freaking out here!"

"I know," Angel said. "Believe me, this is quite a shock for me too."

"Well, your not acting like it! You're just all, 'Oh, a baby, well let's just tell everyone and go to L.A. an tra la la.'"

"I never said 'Tra la la'," Angel lamely replied. "And I don't understand why you're upset with me. All I'm trying to do is make things easier for you."

"Well, you're not! You can't!" Willow shot to her feet and began to walk away.

Angel got up and put a hand on her arm to stop her. "Willow, wait–"

"I can't," Willow whispered, then looked back at Angel. "I'm sorry. I just...I just need a little time on my own for awhile, okay? I need to clear my head. But, you are right about, Wesley. You can call him if you want."

"Okay," Angel said, his usual stoic self. "When you're ready to talk about this, you know where to find me."

Willow nodded and hesitated for a moment. She swooped forward and pressed a quick kiss to Angel's cheek, then whirled around and continued out of the mansion.

_TBC..._


	19. sleep on it

**First off I would like to thank everyone that read and reviewed the last chapter—even those who didn't like it. **

**Now, I am sorry for how long it has taken me to update. All I can say is that life happens. I had a few personal things going on, and a minor family health crisis to deal with. Things have quieted down a bit, so I am confident that it won't be such a wait for the next chapter. **

**One last thing, I am thrilled to announce that some wonderful, unknown, person out there has nominated this fic(and me) at the Absence of Light awards on LJ. Yay! There are a lot of great fics nominated so you might want to check it out. Voting is open now! **

**absence-oflight DOT livejournal DOT com**

**Okay, I'll shut up now and let you read the chapter. Hope you like it. As always, let me know what you think.**

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><p>Sleep eluded Willow that night. Every time she closed her eyes she was assaulted by images of ugly, slimy creatures bursting out of her stomach. She was going to kill Xander for making her watch <em>Alien <em>so many times. Finally, giving up on rest, Willow got out of bed and went to the bathroom. She stared hard at her reflection for a moment.

It was funny, no matter how far she had come, no matter how much power she now possessed, sometimes when she looked in the mirror she still saw that same scrawny, geeky little girl that all the other girls teased and none of the boys ever looked twice at—heck, most never even looked once. That girl had been too timid to speak up for herself, to fight back. How could she be a mother?

A now all too familiar sense of nausea churned in Willow's stomach. Honestly, she didn't know why it was called morning sickness when it happened all the time. That was just false advertising in her put a hand to her belly and waited a moment to see if she was going to be sick, but the feeling passed for the most part. She filled up the glass by the sink and took a drink of water. Then, slowly Willow lifted up her shirt to expose her midriff. She ran her hand over the expanse of porcelain skin and turned sideways. As her hand came to rest on the lower part of her abdomen, she imagined she noticed just the slightest swell. She laid her other hand on the spot, her shirt dropping, and looked down.

Willow hated this feeling of not knowing what was inside of her. After leaving Angel at the mansion, Willow had made a pit stop at the Magic Box before heading back to the Summer's house. She had spent over two hours pouring over books, researching as much as she could about different types of mystical pregnancies. A lot of the relevant passages she found came complete with illustrations. The pictures she'd seen certainly hadn't helped Willow's sleeping situation.

Still, as terrifying as those images had been, the thought of having some kind of demon growing inside of her wasn't what scared her the most. She was even more frightened at the prospect of it being a normal human child. Demons she knew how to deal with, but, kids...that was different story.

Not that she didn't like children. She just didn't know how to handle them. Heck, she'd never even babysat before!

Except for Dawn a couple times, but she had already been ten at the time, so she could take care of herself pretty well. Still, she had managed to keep her alive and entertained those times.

_Only, I didn't. I just remember it that way, _she reminded herself. _Great, my only experience with taking care of a kid and it's not even real. _

Willow frowned and plopped down on the toilet seat.

_How am I going to do this?_ _I don't know that first thing about raising a kid. Heck, I sometimes feel like I'm still a kid myself!_ _I'm not sure if I can handle this. I know that there are a lot of other girls out there that deal with this kind of thing on their own all the time, but I don't think that I can be one of them. _

And she wasn't even on her own.

_I have Angel._

Angel who had promised that they would get through this together no matter what. _And I just ran away like a coward. _

Willow licked her lips, tasting the saltiness of tears. She wondered when she had started crying; she did it so often nowadays she didn't even notice it anymore.

Angel had been wonderful, all things considered. He had done his best to try and calm Willow down when she was panicking. Doing everything he could to help make her feel better, despite the fact that this all must be weighing heavily on him as well. But he set aside whatever misgivings he was having to be there for Willow. She felt horrible for the way she had bailed on him without talking things out more. It wasn't like her to just run away. But, she didn't completely feel like herself at the moment; her entire life was upside down. She had only just begun to come to terms with the fact that she was in love with her best friends supposed 'soul mate', and now this. She was just having way too many life altering changes all at once.

It was making her crazy.

As justifiable as her freaking out may be right now, she still felt bad for how she left things with Angel. After all, this was pretty unlife altering for him too. It was doubtful he'd ever pictured himself in this situation. He probably needed someone to help him make sense of things as badly as Willow did.

_He was right, we have to do this together. _

Willow was uncertain about a lot of things at the moment, but one thing she knew was that she didn't want to lose Angel. Willow stood up and splashed some water on her face, washing away the tears, and went to get dressed.

Willow was careful as she pulled the back door shut behind her; she had enough practice by now to know how to close it without making a sound.

Willow gasped and jumped back from the steps as suddenly a pair of black boots were dangling in front of her. A second later a bleached blond vampire dropped out of the tree, and the scream Willow had been holding in her lungs dissipated.

"Hey!" Spike said, lurching back. Apparently he was as surprised to see Willow as she was to see him. "Oh, Red, 's you. What're you doin' out here so late?"

Willow stared at him wide-eyed for a moment, still collecting herself. "What am _I_ doing?" she finally managed. "What were you doing up that tree?"

"What tree?" Spike said with feigned ignorance. "I wasn't up any tree."

"The one you just dropped out of."

"Oh. Saw that did you?"

"Uh-huh," Willow said. "Not that I can't guess why you were sneaking around in the tree that just happens to be right outside of Buffy's bedroom."

Spike's eyebrows rose at the slight cattishness in Willow's tone. "And just where exactly is it that you are off to this time of night? Off to have a late night rendezvous with your mystery bloke?" Spike smiled at the flash of surprise in Willow's eyes. "Yeah, that's right, I know all about your extracurriculars. Looks like little Red has been an awfully bad girl. That's a right crap thing you did to poor ol' Glinda."

Willow gaped. "Are you kidding me? Is William the Bloody really trying to take the moral high ground with me? Have I stooped that low?" The questions were more to herself, but Spike responded anyway.

"Oi, now I admit I've done some evil things in my time—hell, I'll boast about 'em—but, adultery is one seven deadly I never committed. I was completely faithful to Drusilla for over a century. Too bad the crazy bitch couldn't keep it in her pants as well," he added bitterly. "You remember how I told you about that Chaos demon I found her with?"

"You mean the one you told me about that time that you kidnapped me and Xander and threatened to kill both of us if I didn't do a love spell to get the crazy woman that broke your heart to come back to you? Yeah, I seem to recall something about that."

"Hey, you're not still sore about that, are you?" Spike asked. "Thought we moved on. Let bygones be bygones and all that."

"Well you're the one that brought it up," Willow retorted. "And you were the one getting all high and mighty with me. I just thought you should be reminded of some of your bads."

"Fair enough," Spike replied, padding his jacket in search of his cigarettes. Locating them, he took out the pack and popped one in his mouth and lit up. "Look, I'm the last person to judge anyone. Like you said, I ain't got no room to be casting any stones. All I'm sayin' is, I can empathize with the good witch. I've been there, yeah. She's gotta be feeling like she's had her heart ripped right outta her chest."

"I didn't mean to hurt her," Willow defended. "It wasn't like I planned this. It just happened!"

Spike took a pull from his cigarette and slowly blew out the smoke. He felt annoyed at the twinge of guilt in his gut caused by the tortured look his words put on the witch's face. Rolling his eyes at himself, he said, "I know that. You don't have a malicious bone in your body. All I can say is, I hope that this tosser, whoever he is, is worth all the pain you caused. And the pain you're going to cause."

Willow hugged herself, thinking about what Spike was saying. "I think he is," she murmured after a moment. "No. He definitely is. He's worth it."

Spike sighed, tossing his spent cigarette on the ground and stamping it out. "All right then. As long as you're getting yours, that's what I say. Congrats. I'm happy for you." Willow's brows rose in suspicion at that. "Well, all right, so I don't really give a toss. 'M just tryin' to be polite," he added.

A small smirk tugged the corners of Willow's mouth. "Thanks, Spike," she said. "This actually kinda helped me. I can see why..." She was about to say she could see why Buffy was with him, but caught herself.

"What's that, pet?"

Willow shook her head. "Nothing. Never mind."

Spike scrutinized her through narrowed eyes for a second, but then just shrugged. "So, you need an escort to get to where you're goin'? All kinds of nasties about out there."

"Uh... I think I'll be okay," Willow said quickly. If Spike walked her to the mansion, then he would definitely figure out who she was meeting. "But, thanks though."

Spike shrugged again. Willow thought he was going to leave, but he stayed there for a moment, just staring at her. But, not at her face. His eyes were directed on some lower part of her. For a panicked moment Willow thought he was looking at her belly.

_Oh no! Can he hear the baby, or whatever it is?_ Angel had. But, then again, he had had his ear pressed right up against her stomach at the time. But, maybe Spike had better hearing; he was younger after all.

"W-what are you looking at?" Willow asked, nervous.

Spike shook his head. " 's nothin'. Just... And don't take this the wrong way or anything, pet, but... have your breast gotten bigger?"

Willow gasped, eyes bugging. She swiftly crossed her arms over her chest and gave Spike a dirty look. "Good night, Spike," she said in a clipped tone.

Spike smirked. "Night, Red. Have a good time."

Willow shook her head, annoyed, as she watched the vampire saunter away. Once his form disappeared into the darkness, Willow dropped her arms and looked down at her chest.

_Yikes! How the heck did I miss those babies? _

**xXx**

Angel was lying in bed. Not sleeping, but thinking. Since originally gaining his soul back over a century ago, introspection had been one of Angel's main pastimes. He had more on his mind than ever now.

Willow was pregnant. He was still awed by the reality of that. He knew Willow had her worries about this being a mystical pregnancy, but for some reason, Angel thought that the baby she was carrying was human. He had felt something when he heard that heartbeat—and he was sure it was a heartbeat—something had shifted inside of him at the sound.

He was going to be a father.

Angel had never really thought himself father material even when he was human; he had been nothing but a useless, lousy drunk then. He was more responsible now than his human counterpart, but was he any more fit?

Angel didn't have the answer to that question, and even if he did, it had to wait. His thoughts were interrupted, his eyes flashing open, as he vampiric senses picked up on someone entering the mansion. His first instinct was to jump out of bed and take out the threat. He bolted upright, but before his feet even touched the floor, he registered the scent.

He relaxed, allowing his body to ease back against the headboard and waited for her to come to him.

It was dark in the mansion, Willow had thought about conjuring up a light ball or something to help her see better, but the moon was big and there was enough light coming in from the windows so that she could make it down the hallway to Angel's bedroom.

She lifted her hand to knock, but before she could Angel's voice filtered out from the crack in the door.

"Willow?"

Willow pushed the door the rest of the way open and poked her head in. She couldn't really see anything in the bedroom; the windows were covered with thick curtains to protect Angel when the sun rose.

"Um, hey," she said in the general direction of the bed. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry. I didn't want to bother you."

"Don't be ridiculous," Angel said, dismissing her apology. "You couldn't bother me."

Willow smiled. "Uh, Angel?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you could turn on a light or something. I can't really see you and I have something to say to you. I'd like to say it to your face."

"Oh. Right." Angel sometimes forgot that others might not have his keen night vision. He reached over and clicked on the lamp on the bedside table.

The light was soft, so Willow's eyes didn't feel assaulted by the sudden illumination, but she still had to blink a few times to adjust them. When she could see clearly, Willow took in a shirtless—and maybe pant-less?—Angel sitting up on the bed and felt a flutter.

"Much better," she murmured.

Angel smirked at the slight hint of arousal he picked up from Willow, but sobered quickly when he reminded himself she had something she needed to say. He cleared his throat, his brow pulling together and asked, "Is everything okay?"

Willow shook herself. "Oh. Yeah, everything's fine. Well, you know except for the stuff that isn't fine. But, other than that, fine."

"So what is it you have to tell me?"

"That I'm sorry," Willow said. "I shouldn't have just left the way I did earlier. You were being so sweet and trying to make me feel better and I just bolted. I feel terrible."

Tears pooled in Willow's eyes causing Angel's heart to twist in his chest.

"Hey," he said gently. "Come over here." He scooted over and pulled back the blanket to clear a spot for Willow on the bed.

Willow sniffed and practically sprinted over to him. Angel wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, resting her head on his chest; feeling the warm, wetness of her tears on his skin.

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, Willow," he assured. "You were scared. It's perfectly understandable. You have a lot to deal with."

Willow sat back a little and looked up at Angel. "Yeah, but I'm not the only one. You're dealing with this stuff too. It has just as much to do with you as it does me. And you're not freaking out."

"Well, that's not entirely true," Angel said. "I think I am every bit as freaked out as you are, I just have more practice internalising my emotions."

"Really? You're scared too?"

"Terrified," Angel said. "But, I have faith that we'll get through this. As long as we stick together."

Willow gave him a watery smile. "You're right. We just have to stick together." She lifted herself up and placed a light kiss to Angel's lips, then laid her head back down on his chest.

They were quiet for awhile, just holding each other, Angel running his fingers soothingly through Willow's hair.

Willow hated to break the calm she was feeling, but a question was niggling at her, making the moment less than perfect.

"Did you talk to Wesley yet?"

"I wasn't able to get a hold of him," Angel said. "I left a message for him to call me."

"Oh."

"You're still all right with me confiding in him, aren't you?" Angel asked.

"Yes. Of course," Willow said. "You were right about that too. We do need help. And you were right about not being able to keep it a secret for much longer too. People are already noticing changes in my body." A blush ghosted across Willow's face as she recalled Spike's comment about her growing bust line. "Still, I'm not looking forward to telling everyone, you know? I can't imagine what they'll say. Actually, I can imagine it, and it's not good."

Angel's arms tightened around her in a gentle hug. "Hey, let's not think about that right now, okay? Let's just get some rest. All of that stuff will still be there tomorrow."

Willow looked up at Angel with a wry smirk. "Are you telling me not to brood?" she shook her head. "Jeez, the world really has turned upside down."

Angel chuckled and ducked down to give Willow a quick kiss. "Good night, my love," he whispered against her lips.

"Mmm, night." She rested her head back down against Angel's chest and let her eyes slip closed.

Angel was right, all their problems would be there waiting for them in the morning.

_TBC..._

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading! I would love to know what you all think about this chapter! <strong>


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Okay, I just really want to apologise for not updating in what feels like a century. I have excuses, but I won't bore you with them. And I have to apologise again because I am just not too sure about this chapter. Angel feels very OOC here. But, damn it is just so friggin' hard to right a happy Angel. Anyway, I hope you guys—if there is anyone still reading this thing out there—enjoy this chap. As always, let me know.**

**Shattered Chapter 20:**

"Oh look here we are... again," Willow remarked looking at the Summers' house. She and Angel had walked from the mansion then strolled around the block a couple of times when the journey ended too soon, reluctant to part from each other. Willow sighed and turned to face Angel. "I should probably go inside now." She figured she had stalled long enough. She had already been gone since last night–or early this morning rather–so Buffy and Dawn were probably wondering where she was.

"Okay," Angel said. "Then I'll see you on Friday."

Willow fought a moan. Friday. That was four whole days away. She didn't like the idea of going almost an entire week without seeing Angel. "Whose stupid idea was that anyway?" she grumbled.

One corner of Angel's mouth ticked up in the hint of a smirk. "Yours."

"Oh, right. Me and my stupid ideas," she grumbled.

Angel smiled fully then, just for a second. "Hey, if you've changed your mind about that you won't get any argument from me. You just said you wanted to have a chance to spend some time with your friends before we leave for L.A."

Willow felt a tightness in her chest when she thought about leaving her friends, but she had already decided that going with Angel was what was best. It was what she wanted. Still, she didn't know how she was going to say goodbye. They were more than friends. They were family.

Family...

Willow's eyes widened. "Oh my god! My family! I've spent all this time worrying about how I'm going to tell the gang about everything and I completely forgot about my parents! What the heck am I going to say to them? How am I going to tell them that I'm pregnant? How am I going to tell them I'm not gay?" Willow had to be the only person in history to dread telling her parents she _wasn't _gay. When she had come out it had been the first time her mother had really taken an actual interest in her life. She didn't want to ruin that.

"Won't they be happy?" Angel asked. "About becoming grandparents I mean."

"I'm not so sure," Willow replied. "They'll probably be confused. I mean I only came out to them a year ago. They were so proud..." She sighed. "Well, I'll have a little time to think of something at least. They'll be out of town until next month."

Angel squeezed her hand. "We'll figure something out."

Willow smiled and stepped into his arms for a hug. Angel stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.

"Are you sure you don't want to come back to the mansion?" he asked. "Just for the night. I can drive you back in the morning before daybreak."

Willow pulled back just enough to look up at him. "There you go with the tempting again. Are you sure you're not evil?"

Angel smirked and bent down for kiss. Willow hummed happily against his lips.

"See you Friday," Angel murmured when the kiss ended, his forehead resting against Willows.

"Friday," Willow repeated.

**xxx**

"Dawn, what are you doing here?" Willow was surprised to find the teenager at home.

"Um, well_ I_ live here," Dawn replied. "Which is more than I can say for you these days."

Willow winced at the girl's barbed comment."Yeah, I know I haven't been... I just meant I thought you were going to the movies with Janice tonight," Willow said.

"Yeah. So did I," Dawn muttered bitterly as she upturned a box of cereal over an empty bowl. Her shoulders sagged when all that came out was some sugary bits of dust. She sighed and walked over to the cupboard.

"What happened?" Willow asked.

"Well," Dawn began, rummaging through the cabinet. "Lisa heard that Ken Marshall might be thinking of asking Janice out and that he might call her tonight. So she opted to sit around at home waiting for this hypothetical phone call than to go out with me. No surprise there. Why should she be any different than anyone else," she finished quietly.

"Sorry," Willow offered. Dawn shrugged. "Well, hey, I've got nothing going on tonight, and I know that I'm no Janice, but I'd be up for a movie. And how about I sweeten the deal by throwing in a burger. Heck, let's go crazy, fries too!"

"I don't think so," Dawn replied and Willow's enthusiastic smile fell. "But, make that Burger a pizza instead and you're on."

Willow beamed. "You got it! Pizza it is. Why don't you look through the paper for show times while I grab a quick shower then we can skedaddle."

"'Kay."

"Great. I'll be down in a few minutes." Willow raced upstairs, excited about her girls night out with Dawn, and hopeful about repairing what was left of the damage to her relationship with the teenager. It would be nice to know that Dawn had completely forgiven her for what happened with Tara before she left for Los Angeles. This night would be a step in the right direction.

**xxx**

"So, what do we want to do first?" Willow asked as she and down strolled down the street. "Pizza or movie?"

"Well, if we do food first then we'll have to wait for the late showing," Dawn said. "And, since it's a school night and all... Buffy's been onto me about being tardy so much."

"Oh, right. We don't want to get you home too late. So, movie then pizza."

"Sounds like a plan," Dawn agreed.

About a block later, Willow's head started spinning suddenly and her steps faltered. "Whoa," she breathed, grasping at the air to steady herself.

Dawn grabbed hold of Willow's arm to help her keep her balance. "Willow? Are you all right? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Dawnie. I'm all right," Willow said attempting a reassuring smile to assuage the concerned teenager. "Just got a bit of a head rush there is all."

"Have you eaten at all today?" Dawn asked. "Maybe you have low blood sugar. We should probably eat first."

"But, then we might miss the movie," Willow argued.

"That's okay. We can' just do it another night."

"No!" Willow said, a tad too adamantly. "I-I mean, I'm fine, Dawnie, really. We can still go to the movies first. I can eat some popcorn. It'll be fine." Willow started walking again, but only got a few steps before the pavement seemed to be hurtling toward her at an alarming rate and then everything went black.

**xxx**

"Willow!"

Spike was on his way back to his crypt after making his weekly trip to the butcher's shop to stock up on pigs blood when he heard the scream. He froze, immediately going on alert. He knew the voice.

_Dawn_.

It was barely a second between hearing the cry and Spike sprinting into action, tossing his paper bag full of blood aside. He took off at full vamp speed, cutting through people's back yards and ignoring the small headaches that hit him when he pushed pedestrians out of his way.

"Dawn!" he called when he finally spotted the girl a few feet away, kneeling down on the ground, hovering over Willow's prone figure.

She looked up at the sound of his voice. "Spike, help!"

"What happened?" he asked, coming by her side.

"I-I don't know!" Dawn wailed, looking up at him, her big blue eyes filled with tears, tracks of the ones already shed glistening on her cheeks. "We were just walking and all of the sudden... She won't wake up! Spike, she's not waking up!"

Spike took the girl's face in his hands and turned her to face him. "Listen to me, Niblet, it's gonna be all right, yeah. She's gonna be just fine. You hear me?"

Dawn nodded, her bottom lip trembling.

"Come here." Spike pulled her in for a quick one armed hug. "All right?" he asked, gently pulling away.

Dawn sniffed and cleared her throat. "Yeah. What do we do?"

"First we get Red to the hospital and then we call your big sis," Spike said, helping Dawn to her feet then he bent back down to scoop the small witch up in his arms. "Let's go."

**xxx**

"Dawn!" Buffy cried out as she raced through the doors of the hospital. She had been at work when she had gotten the call from Spike. He had said he and Dawn were at the hospital and Buffy pretty much hadn't heard anything else after that. She had ran out of the Double Meat Palace without a second thought still wearing her complete uniform, though thankfully her hat at blown off on the way to the hospital because she was running so fast.

"Excuse me," Buffy said frantically to the nurse behind the desk. "I'm looking for my sister, Dawn Summers. She's fifteen, light brown hair, about five six. She was brought in maybe twenty minutes ago."

"No. I'm sorry, there's no one under that name matching that subscription that's been admitted tonight," The nurse replied after checking her computer. "Are you sure you have the right hospital?"

"Yes!" Buffy shouted, frustrated. "I was told Sunnydale Memorial. Look again."

"Miss, I'm sorry but—"

Buffy slammed her hand down on the desk, making the nurse jump. "Look, I just want to know what happened and where my sister is. Look again!"

"Just let me make a call," The nurse replied calmly. Too calm, and Buffy was pretty sure the call she was making was to security. Buffy was just about to reach over and yank the receiver away when a voice stopped her.

"Buffy?"

She whirled around and saw her sister standing in the hall.

"Dawn!" Buffy closed the distance between them as fast as she could and pulled her sister into her arms. "Oh, god. I was so scared. Are you okay? What happened?" She pulled back, taking Dawn's face in her hands and checked the younger girl for any signs of injury. The only thing she saw wrong were her puffy red eyes.

"Slayer, glad you're here," Spike's voice sounded from behind her.

Buffy whipped around, her mouth pressed in a hard line and narrowed her eyes at the vampire. "What happened?" she demanded, her voice hard as stone.

"Don't," Dawn quickly interjected, recapturing her older sister's attention. "Spike didn't do anything—nothing bad anyway. He helped. Don't get mad at him. If it wasn't for him..."

Buffy looked back at Spike severely, as if it were his fault Dawn was defending him. Spike let out a silent sigh and rolled his eyes, looking away. Buffy turned back to Dawn, her face softening. She brushed a bit of hair from the younger girl's face and placed her hands on her shoulders. "Tell me what happened."

"It's Willow," Dawn said, her voice cracking and eyes welling up. "We were on our way to the movies. We were just walking and all of a sudden she collapsed. Buffy, what if it's something bad? What if she's really sick? Like mom."

The look of fear in her little sister's eyes, made Buffy's heart clench. She put her arms back around her and hugged her close, stroking her hair. "Shh, it's okay. Everything's going to okay. I promise."

After a moment Dawn sniffed and pulled away from Buffy. "What about the others?" Buffy asked. "Where is everyone?"

Dawn shrugged and looked at Spike.

"Ain't called 'em yet," he said. "Was waiting for you to get here. Bit was upset. I didn't want to leave her. But I can give 'em all a call now if you want me too. I imagine Watcher boy and Demon girl are at the Magic Box, probably Harris too."

"What about Tara?" Dawn asked. "I know she and Willow aren't... But she should be here. I think she would want to be here."

"Of course," Buffy said. "We'll call her."

"Right then. There's a payphone out front. Be back in a 'mo," Spike said. "I'm gonna be going by the vending machines, you need anything, Bit? Some sugary teeth rotting goody?"

Dawn offered him a weak smile and shook her head. "No, thanks."

"Are you sure, honey?" Buffy asked. "Have you eaten?"

"I'm not hungry," Dawn insisted. "Even if I was, I couldn't eat. Not until we know something."

"What about you, Slayer?" Spike asked. "Want a coffee or something?"

"Uh, no. I'm okay. But, thanks." Judging by the look on Spike's face he was more surprised with Buffy's admission of gratitude than she was. Beginning to become uncomfortable with the look in Spike's eyes, Buffy looked away.

Spike cleared his throat. "Right. Be right back then."

"Come on," Buffy said after Spike left and put her arm around Dawn's shoulders. "Let's go sit down."

**_Tbc…_**

**I want to thank everyone who read this chapter and is still reading this story after all this time. Your guys' patience is amazing. I nominate you all for sainthood. I will try my best to get the next chapter out sometime this decade. Please drop me a review and let me know your thoughts on this chap. Good, bad, ugly, whatever…**

**Cheers, NN**


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